Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock Hotel “Episode 3.03” Recap

There are more people at one Rehab Sunday than I think I know in my entire life. With a situation that crazy, it’s no wonder the people who work at the Hard Rock are insane. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they have to suffer through Paris Hilton.

It’s one of the coldest, windiest days for Rehab ever, and Matt thinks that it’s an omen. He’s trying, in his own strange Matt way, to reassure the waitresses that sixty degree weather does not mean they will freeze to death, even if they are wearing bikinis. He also delivers the news that Paris is this week’s celebrity guest. No one looks particularly thrilled, and I don’t blame them.

At the security briefing, Sharon explains to her guys that Paris has restraining orders against four stalkers who might turn up. As a stalking victim myself, I appreciate that she handles the matter seriously and with professionalism, even if I’m wondering why anyone would want to stalk Paris Hilton. Other than that, the day is so slow that Jonna actually tries to start a conversation with Matt. She’s either really that bored or a complete masochist. Thankfully for her sake, it doesn’t last very long.

The weather finally warms up by the afternoon, and it hits eighty degrees and sunny. Now everyone starts complaining about the heat instead of the cold. Sharon is amused by a group of little people from something called Micro Championship Wrestling, who are apparently going to get terribly wasted since they order a good half-dozen bottles from Amanda. Matt wants to talk about all the stuff he does – how he runs the Hard Rock’s Vanity nightclub during the week and spends most of his weekends at work, which doesn’t surprise me – and actually has a compliment for the guy who functions as his personal assistant. Jonna can’t remember what two kinds of tequila her cabana wants despite being told like a minute before, and blames it on the bartender. Unfortunately, she admits her mistake to said bartender while Matt is standing right next to her, and gets an earful from him yet again. She’s this season’s Mallory.

Sharon finds out that one of Matt’s new “door hosts” isn’t checking ID when admitting people to the pool area, and she goes to tell him that he does not get to let people blow by security. He gives her lip, along the lines of “your job is different from my job,” and the one thing that Sharon doesn’t tolerate is attitude. Obviously, the guy comes from the Matt School of Professional Attitude, and Sharon decides to take him up on his challenge to take the issue to Matt. We all know from experience that discussion will go horribly.

Paris turns up on the scene, and she’s under Sharon’s watchful eye. However, no one is ever completely safe in the throng of people, and there’s one of her stalkers in the crowd! Security performs an immediate takedown without incident, only to find out that he’s not a stalker, just a guy that looks a lot like one of them. Poor dude. At least he’s got a story to tell to his friends.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Chantel are slammed at the DJ Bar, and while they don’t have cup problems this episode, Jessica catches a guy stealing a bottle of Patron. Jessica climbs onto the bar and demands he return the bottle, then once he does, takes off after him to no avail. When he’s stupid enough to come back, she sics security on him. Do not mess with a bartender’s alcohol, people. If that wasn’t enough mayhem for you, the wrestlers are getting out of control, causing discontent amongst the other guests around them. Not long after that, there’s a fight between two women breaking out, and one of them has very clearly gone off the rails. It takes four security guards to get her under control, and the Las Vegas police have to haul her away. Is there something in the pool water?

We get to visit Matt’s house when he sends his assistant there to get another suit for him. Hey, hehas a dog named Hazel. That’s kinda cute. Of course, Matt wasn’t specific enough in what he wanted, so his assistant brings him all fifteen grey suits that he owns, rather than call and risk ticking him off by asking. That’s probably a good thing, because one of the security guards is telling Matt about the door host Sharon had issues with earlier in the episode. Matt actually comes to Sharon’s defense, sort of: “For this guy to think he can talk back to Sharon is completely unacceptable. I’m the only one who can talk back to Sharon.” The guy tries to give Matt lip like he did to Sharon, and Matt fires him on the spot. Maybe we should keep a count of all the people Matt fires this season? One of them might be his assistant, with whom he is not amused.

Out by the pool, the wrestlers are fighting with the people in the cabana next door. Shouting turns to shoving, and that turns into a beating “by the equivalent of three and a half people” that Jake and Sharon have to break up. We seriously do not see enough of Jake. There was always a fair amount of screen time for Deebo, but Jake is almost like an afterthought this season. Everyone gets tossed. Later on, Jake and Sharon get called to a room upstairs to find the rowdy wrestlers have decided to commit property destruction. At this point, Sharon explodes in what Jake calls a “motherly ass-chewing. It’s a full-on guilt trip with an ass chewing, and then you get charged for it. It’s a trifecta of hell.”

Of course we always seem to end every episode with Matt’s final thought(s). He thinks Jonna is an idiot, which she actually is, and he still has issues with Sharon, who goes to talk to him about the situation from earlier. The two start arguing and he closes his office door in her face, even though they’re on the same page. One of these days, these two will come to blows, I’m quite sure. It could even be next week, when they start yelling at each other again. Not even Amanda passing out is going to derail that confrontation. Who’s your money on?

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