Are you a standup comedy fan? Admittedly, this type of entertainment is not for everyone. However, if you are having not the best day of your life, all it may take to brighten things up for you are a couple of funny quotes. After all, scientists keep saying that laughter is the best medicine and prolongs your life.
Some comedians are so good at their job, they can come up with funny sayings not only when they are on stage but also during interviews or on social media. But you don’t need to be a professional comedian with one-liners up your sleeve at all times to be considered witty. Some celebrities also have quite a reputation for making us laugh in real life. One good example would be Ryan Reynolds, whose entertaining and sometimes sarcastic quotes on Twitter earned him a huge following.
And of course, Mr. Deadpool is not the only celebrity with quick wits. If you are looking for funny quotes for bio on your social media accounts, or funny short captions for today’s selfie, we have gathered quite a collection of witty things comedians and other celebrities have once said. You can come back to this article anytime you need funny inspirational quotes to help you through the day, a witty response to an email, or just a good laugh.
#1
“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.” – Bill Murray
#2
“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“ – Bill Murray
#3
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.“ – Betty White
#4
“Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list.” – Denis Leary
#5
“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” ― Billy Connolly
#6
“A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die.” – Conan O’Brien
#7
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.'” – Bob Newhart
#8
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.“ – Lily Tomlin
#9
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'” – Chris Rock
#10
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
#11
“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” – Margaret Cho
#12
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
#13
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” — Andy Borowitz
#14
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.“ – Kurt Vonnegut
#15
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
#16
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
#17
“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” – George Carlin
#18
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
#19
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.“ – Paul Fix
#20
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
#21
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin
#22
“I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.” – Adam Sandler
#23
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
#24
“What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.“ – Redd Foxx
#25
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ― Mindy Kaling
#26
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life… unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason
#27
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
#28
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
#29
“I told him comedy—real comedy—wasn’t only tellin’ jokes. It was about telling the truth…” – Richard Pryor
#30
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” ― Mel Brooks
#31
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard
#32
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” – Billy Crystal
#33
“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.“ – Ron White
#34
“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” — Mark Russell
#35
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.“ — Gilbert Gottfried
#36
“There’s 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.“ – Gabriel Iglesias
#37
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.“ – Sid Caesar
#38
“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” — Mel Brooks
#39
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.“ – Larry David
#40
“I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.” – Maria Bamford
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