The title of this episode, “The War Against Gingivitis,” has even less meaning than most of the episode titles on Two and a Half Men. That is to say, this episode had nothing to do with rotting gums. Instead, it was a look into how Walden, with his nerd skills and equally immature business partner, had the ability to become a billionaire. At the beginning of the episode, Walden needs floss, and Alan provides a selection–he is a soldier in the war against gingivitis. Moving on.
Alan tries to log into his online banking account, but can’t remember his password. He tries variations of “Jake” and “Alan” before trying “BigScaryLady” (a reference to Berta). None of them work. Walden walks him through the ‘forgot password’process, and Alan needs to remember what he answered for his favorite state. It’s not California; it’s not Hawaii, and just as Alan realizes his favorite state is “engorged,” Walden receives a Skype call from his ex-wife, Bridget (Judy Greer). She heard from Walden’s ex-business partner, Billy Stanhope, and she’s passing on the message that he has a business proposition for him. Walden immediately gets an eye twitch and refuses.
Walden finishes the call, goes out on the deck and screams. Alan comes to see what’s wrong, and Walden explains he got a message from his ex-friend. Alan asks him why he’s never mentioned this person before, and Walden responds, “Have you ever heard me mention rectal cancer? Same principle.” He explains that they built a software company and sold it for a couple billion dollars. Billy didn’t want to sell, so when they did, he went crazy and made a series of videos to express his hatred for Walden. If Walden is sweet and immature, Billy is crude and immature: in one video, he eats a picture of Walden and talks about later having a “big steaming Schmidt.”
Alan doesn’t understand how Billy can hate Walden: “Talk about ingratitude. I mean, if you made me rich, the only thing I’d accuse you of is being the best guy ever. Seriously, if you don’t believe it, throw me a couple of mil and get ready for a tongue bath.”
The doorbell rings, Walden answers it, and it’s Billy (Patton Oswalt). He immediately turns him away, and Alan asks who was at the door. Walden’s response: “Rectal cancer.” The bell continues to ring after Walden has gone upstairs. What with the threat of rectal cancer, Alan is scared to answer, but he does. He introduces himself to Billy: “I’m Walden’s friend. Confidante. Mentor. Gatekeeper.” Billy understands that he’s the leech that Bridget told him about. Billy explains that he has a billion-dollar idea that can’t move forward without Walden, and the visions of dollar signs make Alan invite him in. The big idea is “web-based aggregate upstream power grid manipulation.” Alan is given $50 to go get Walden.
Alan finds Walden playing a game on his iPad and tells him that Billy has a billion-dollar idea. Walden, in a rare angry state, freaks out that Alan let Billy in the house and then mounts him on the bed. He wants to know what the idea is that could possible be so important, and Alan gets enough of the terminology right so that Walden knows what he’s talking about: “Oh my God. He figured out the electric suitcase.”
Walden immediately comes downstairs, and Billy tells him he needs help writing the code. First, Walden forces him to apologize on video for calling him names and frivolously suing him for $100 million. Billy gets fed up with the long apology and a fight breaks out. Alan tries to stop it, and Jake walks in just in time to witness three men rolling around on the couch. Eventually, Alan gets them to shake hands after some childish protesting: he has to somehow force his way into this billion-dollar idea. As Walden and Billy discuss how they will divide up the work, Alan offers to bake cookies, but he ends up at a bar after the cookies are gone and the men sent him to get Red Bull and Hot Pockets. Alan complains to the bartender that he has no friends. Lyndsey is on a vacation (to get away from him), and the only other person he has a long history with is Berta.
Back at the house, Walden and Billy sit at the kitchen table coding, while simultaneously having a competition to see who can hold their bladder longer. They use offensive tactics like slowly pouring Red Bull into a glass from 10 inches above, and verbalizing the fact that they’re printing documents using Ctrl + P.
Since Berta is his only friend, Alan heads over to her house with soup, because she’s “sick” and friends should take care of each other. Berta agrees, “You have been in my life longer than both my husbands and most of my underwear.” Someone knocks on Berta’s door, and she hands them a mystery package and accepts a wad of money; she wants Alan to deliver the money to a fellow named “Shermy.” For whatever reason, Alan agrees to go and almost gets shot in the process.
Walden and Billy finally relieve their bladders over the deck. Why use a washroom when you can have a view of the ocean? It’s here that Billy tells Walden he’s been sleeping with Bridget. Walden is mad, but he doesn’t freak out nearly as much as he would have several episodes ago. They return to coding–in robes, because they had a bladder accident–and Alan arrives home also having experienced a bladder accident.
It’s time to test their new software, the “Stanhope-Schmidt Electric Suitcase.” Walden hits a button and the lights go out; Alan isn’t impressed because he has an app for that, but he doesn’t understand. Walden tells him to pick a state, and when “engorged” doesn’t qualify, he picks Florida. On the screen, a map of North America is lit with current power usage, and California is already dark. With the next button he hits, Florida goes dark. With the next, Canada. Hey now–leave Canada alone! Walden hits the master switch, and everything goes black. Somehow, by the next episode, everything will be fine and they won’t be in jail, but Walden may be on the verge of another billion if they can sell it.
The cryptic technology references and abundance of nerdiness made this episode slightly similar–very slightly–to another Chuck Lorre show, The Big Bang Theory. Walden and Billy are no Sheldon and Leonard, but they are the type of insane, genius businessmen that will end up with more money than theoretical physicists.
What did you think of “The War Against Gingivitis”? Watch Two and a Half Men, Mondays at 9/8c on CBS.
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