Movie Review: Piranha 3DD

credit: Pirahna 3DD

Every generation has its schlocky horror movies, but over the past two to three decades, it’s been kind of obvious that technology has been making it even easier to come up with more and more movies that are absolutely brainless but are embraced by the fanbase anyway.

The Pirahna movies fit that description perfectly since the idea of a school of deadly, man-eating fish swimming through one lake to another is one of the most ridiculous ideas to ever come along, and yet, kind of like the whirlwind sensation that was Sharknado, people have decided that it’s worth watching, even if it’s something that actually feels like it might lower one’s IQ if they watch it too many times.

But in the spirit of just having fun with it and turning one’s brain to autopilot, this movie does touch on a few things that people happen to enjoy. Folks like to be scared, they like to be intrigued, and yes, sex still and will likely always sell, especially if interested individuals are watching. And there’s plenty of horror, blood, and sex in this movie to satisfy a lot of people. 

credit: Pirahna 3DD

There are plenty of ‘why would you do that?’ moments that people like. 

The beginning of the movie with the two farmers, fishermen, whoever the heck they are, doesn’t feel like it has much to do with the movie other than to show that the piranhas are in the lake and that they’re just as vicious as ever, even right after they’ve been born. The fact that these fish have been amped up so much in these movies is still highly comical, but thinking that a few of them can cause a problem for a couple of grown men is even more so.

Still, the beginning of the movie, despite being pointless, is still enough to make it clear that the meat-eating fish are on the prowl again and are likely to find as much food as they can since, well, that’s the point of the movie. If the creatures weren’t meant to rend and tear whatever they find, then it’s likely that this would have been a much different story and wouldn’t have managed to get even a quarter of the attention. But the manner in which people react, such as panicking and doing some of the dumbest things imaginable, well, that’s just a bonus. 

The point of a horror movie is to make sure that certain characters are greedy, stupid, or both. 

Stupidity and greed kind of run hand in hand in these movies and make for the type of characters that one can’t help but think are bound to receive their comeuppance at some point. The manner in which this happens in the movie is enough to make a person roll their eyes as they sit and wonder what the writer was thinking about when penning the script.

Seriously, a guy loses his head to a low-hanging party banner, which, as you should know, is notoriously razor-sharp plastic that can pose a hazard. Hopefully, you’re noting the sarcasm in my words since, even for a schlocky horror flick, this is pretty bad. The piranha kills are actually kind of interesting since the story does get creative when thinking about the different ways they can attack and the fact that they’re able to survive on land now, apparently. 

credit: Pirahna 3DD

Of course, this movie had to include a few very well-known names to even get the attention it needed. 

Ving Rhames wasn’t enough, I guess since David Hasselhoff had to be brought in to play the part of a lifeguard who really isn’t a lifeguard but is someone that is being paid to promote a waterpark that has an adult section to it. Just imagine how that would go down in the real world, or rather, how it wouldn’t. But having Hasselhoff just sit there for most of the movie is enough to make a person wonder what in the heck kind of salary he agreed to in order to be kept on the bench, more or less. 

Yes, it was stupid, but it was also good for a few laughs. 

Calling this movie good would require a lot of alcohol and something stronger,13 no doubt, since trying to watch this sober is enough to make a person laugh and cringe at the same time, thanks to the fact that it feels as though someone slapped it together over the weekend. But as I mentioned, if you can switch your brain to auto and just sit back for a lot of shaking and jiggling, then you might get something out of the movie, even if it’s just a few well-earned laughs thanks to the manner in which the story plays out.