Families can be complicated, and even well-intentioned help can lead to frustration when boundaries aren’t respected.
Reddit user RamenNoodles620 shared a story on r/OhNoConsequences about his immigrant relatives who moved in with his parents. For months, his old folks provided a home, covered expenses, and helped them get jobs and learn English, but when they were finally asked to start contributing to groceries and utilities, the relatives abruptly moved away.
However, this decision made them realize that life without all the extra support was far harder than they expected.
If they stay long enough, guests will become part of the household
Image credits: Curated Lifestyle (not the actual photo)
But that should mean contributing, too. Right?
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Image source: RamenNoodles620
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
The need to avoid guilty feelings can turn us into doormats
While it’s easy to blame others in such situations, it’s usually more productive to take a look at ourselves. Vikki Stark, a family therapist with over three decades of experience, says we might enable our families to walk over us by trying to avoid guilt.
“We train our families to take advantage of us and then feel angry and resentful when they do,” Stark writes. “My kids do tons for me—we are very close and depend on each other for the big things in life mutually. But I’m so used to being the good mom that I hardly notice when I encourage my family to make the assumption that I always make—that I’ll take care of things—I’m a good taker-carer.”
To correct the balance, Stark believes we have to be ready to say “no” and insist on things we need help with, even if it is not convenient for the other person.
“I often hear women say, ‘I don’t want to have to ask,’ but you do—you have to ask and expect that it will be done. Don’t be ready to capitulate at the first sign of resistance.”
“We have to learn to tolerate our family grumbling as we institute our re-education campaign … Our family members are just not that helpless.”
However, it’s important to interpret this story as an example of the challenges within immigrant communities, not the norm.
In reality, the average might look the opposite.
Using millions of father-son pairs spanning more than 100 years of US history, researchers found that children of immigrants from nearly every sending country have higher rates of upward mobility than children of the US-born. This immigrants’ advantage is similar historically and today despite dramatic shifts in sending countries and US immigration policy.
“Immigrants show a great deal of drive to succeed and far more willingness to sacrifice for their children,” family therapist and researcher at Dalhousie University, Michael Ungar, Ph.D., says. “While it is well-documented that migrants are often working in jobs where they are underemployed, the same is not true of children who are raised by families that value education and expect their children to study hard and graduate.”
“These value systems distinguish any population that has had to struggle to survive. They are also the same characteristics that would have been found historically in the family trees of many of today’s native-born Americans who are, at least for the moment, securely anchored in the middle class,” Ungar adds.
People had a lot to say about the whole ordeal
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