Dear Satan narrated by Patrick Stewart is the Christmas Tale from Hell, literally. Think about it this way, how many times have you ever heard a child get a name wrong by switching out one letter and then thinking they were talking about the same person? Satan and Santa are the same letters simply placed in a different order, so for a child that’s still learning the difference it’s pretty easy to mess it up at times and perhaps call upon the lord of darkness instead of Jolly old St. Nick. Oy, just imagine what Christmas would be like if that happened often enough.
Anyway, Satan gets this letter that’s supposed to go to Santa and seeing his name on it mistakenly thinks that this girl wants him in the world, that he’s worth something a little more, and that he could possibly change. Who knew that being thought of as kind and compassionate could give the devil the worst case of projectile-vomiting you’ve seen since the Exorcist? It’s almost like the very word is anathema to him or something. But it doesn’t stop there. Somehow the girl’s words keep working as he finds himself unable to hate and denigrate those around him any more. Pity, compassion, and other such words become a part of his being, and even goes so far as to send out an all-office email to his cohorts and minions to gather them to a meeting.
Yes, Satan is very updated and technologically sound. Didn’t you know that?
At the meeting he’s sporting friendship bracelets and yoga pants, and is presenting a bunch of new ideas that his colleagues just don’t understand. They’re under the impression that this has to be a joke, that he’s having a laugh and can’t be serious. But as the meeting goes on Satan doesn’t relent and the congregation swiftly makes their way out the door. Genghis Khan tried to rush the stage but didn’t make it too far.
Eventually it’s decided that Satan has to leave Hell because he’s gone too soft and can’t hack it any longer. A place for the damned to go when they die can’t be run by someone that no longer has the stones to get the job done after all. It’d be like asking a vegan to work at a butcher shop, it just wouldn’t work out.
Satan makes it topside to earth and begins a new life. He runs a gluten-free dairy, is enjoying life, and becomes a hipster in other words. One day near Christmas he’s walking by a mall Santa with a little girl on his lap and happens to overhear her talking about what she wants. Suddenly it clicks as he hears her ask for a puppy, and he realizes that the letter that ruined his life and sent him packing wasn’t for him at all. Lashing out without thinking he vaporizes Santa, prompting the little girl to tell him to go to Hell, which he does.
He doesn’t waste any time assuming control once again, but when Christmas comes around the little girl finds a very special present under the tree for her. It’s a puppy sure, but one that breathes fire, has three heads, and craps lightning.
Merry Christmas, ho ho-zap!
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