Having a healthy romantic relationship is a lot of hard work! It’s not something that simply turns out well if you ignore it. You constantly have to put in the effort to make it flourish. Without effort, it’s slowly going to wither. Spouses who disrespect and avoid each other, don’t show interest in one another, and have poor conflict resolution are at risk of getting divorced.
The r/AskReddit community, inspired by one internet user, revealed some of the subtle and overt signs that someone’s marriage is on the rocks. We’ve collected their top red flags to share with you. Scroll down to see what behavior should be cause for concern.
Bored Panda reached out to the author of the thread, redditor u/AnitaDickenme123. They were kind enough to share their thoughts about the importance of trust and respect, as well as how to communicate about problems in long-lasting relationships. You’ll find our full interview with them as you read on.
#1
They’re just always in a bad mood when they’re around their spouse. This was the case with my best friend. I had only ever known her after she met her spouse, and she was always so low energy, easily irritated, and generally unhappy, mostly around him. It was so much a part of their dynamic that I (shamefully) assumed thats who she was. After a nasty split, she’s become so much happier, lighter, and more herself. She started telling me about all the emotional abuse (and borderline physical abuse) after he was gone. I’m very happy and proud of her for getting out of it.
Image source: eyebrowshampoo, Dexon Dave Silva
#2
I got married young and a lot of older guys gave me s**t for it, like they resented their wives for settling down too soon. It upsets me when men talk s**t about their wives. If you hate your wife then leave she’s probably better off without you.
My wife is my best friend. 7 years later and our relationship only grows stronger over time. If you love someone and they love you back be grateful for that and show it!
Image source: Apprehensive-Hall254, Pham Hoang Kha
#3
I promise, when you learn this, you’ll see it *everywhere* and you’ll realize how f****d up most people in relationships are.
Contempt. The one thing to look for in bad relationships is contempt. This comes from Malcom Gladwell’s *blink*, where he talks about Dr. John Gottman’s work on relationships and marriage. I’m not going to say much on these two gentlemen’s qualifications, as I can’t really speak to them, but I can tell you that the takeaway has impacted my perspective and experience profoundly.
Gottman came to believe there are 4 horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to marriage: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt- and contempt is the most powerful one.
Contempt means more than just being annoyed with someone. It’s deeper than disrespect. It is complete disregard to the level of disgust for the others attempt to be.
Contempt means you feel yourself superior to your partner and feel no obligation to care about them.
You’ll see it in these examples: a wife who won’t let her husband care for the children. A husband who insults his wife’s housework while redoing it. An eye roll behind their back. Passive aggression. Sarcasm. Jokes at their expense.
Gottman’s research indicates that contempt can predict divorce with about 90% accuracy. This jibes with my experience.
Image source: PAdogooder, Keira Burton
#4
Sleeping on the couch. I slept on the couch for a year because of insomnia.. got a divorce and my insomnia went away within what seems like days.
Image source: LadyMcMustard, Timur Weber
#5
Never wants to go home, doesn’t like bringing their spouse as plus one, speaking poorly of spouse, future plans sound more “I” than “We”, and lack of excitement around the holidays
Image source: peaceatthebeach, RDNE Stock project
#6
Ummm, his wife came into the office one day and he introduced her to me as “his future ex-wife” with a sly smile.
Yeah, they’re divorced now.
Image source: HibouWho, Polina Zimmerman
#7
When my husband died, some friends admitted that they were a little jealous.
Image source: emmymcd, Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦
#8
Just… bickering. Passive aggressive little digs and being generally annoyed with one another.
It is WEIRD to me that so many couples I know just kinda pick at each other constantly. They just don’t seem to enjoy each other’s company at all.
Edit: there’s a difference between bickering and banter and a lot of the replies are missing that. I’m not talking about playful banter and s**t talking.
Image source: LizardPossum, Edmond Dantès
#9
An occasional joke at their expense is one thing. My wife and I do it but you could really insert anyone’s name in the joke. But when they criticize their SO for the same, personal thing nonstop it starts to get telling. Like constantly telling everyone your wife is a s****y cook.
Image source: CaptainAwesome06, RDNE Stock project
#10
The continually complain about their spouse in front of others. Or disparage them.
Image source: Mahaloth, Ketut Subiyanto
#11
Lesser known symptom: working long hours habitually. I knew a guy that wasted tons of time in the office, but worked every night until 7:00 or 8:00 because he clearly hated his wife and daughters. Also works for people who spend all their time volunteering to get out of the house. They always complain about how busy they are, but they have no problem talking to you while working.
Image source: pulpexploder, Thought Catalog
#12
She told me her husband said he would babysit their children so we could go out. Last time I checked taking care of your own kids was called parenting not babysitting!
Image source: MVR168
#13
I used to be the dude. We were having issues and was complaining to a colleague (single dude) . He lost his patience one day and said – “dude, I don’t want to hear you complaining about your wife”. Was a wake up call for me. I didn’t even realize how annoying I was. Never again.
Image source: madmax797
#14
They flirt a lot. A lot of unhappily married people I know are quick to flirt with anyone who seems interested because they want to feel that spark again.
Image source: FlatulentDwarf, Vera Arsic
#15
When one of them is out and their spouse does *not* stop calling them.
Image source: BansheeShriek, Andrea Piacquadio
#16
My ex was so fake when we went anywhere involving other couples. But as soon as the car door closed to leave, the witch returned. My friends saw through her. She was torture.
Image source: social-id, André Luís Alves Campos
#17
When they advise their single friends to stay single.
Image source: dedeenxo, Christina @ wocintechchat.com
#18
They never communicate, even over the simplest things. Feelings, plans, thoughts, life needs etc…
Image source: corgioreo, RDNE Stock project
#19
They’re constantly making snide remarks about their spouse and then saying “it’s just a joke!”
Edit to add: I’m not talking about easy going picking on your spouse, I mean very mean clearly sensitive subject type of remarks.
Image source: concurthecity, fauxels
#20
When the spouse doesn’t respect the other spouse.
Image source: Dry-Refrigerator2746, RDNE Stock project
#21
Never wants to go home.
Image source: benglescott, Jeffrey Paa Kwesi Opare
#22
When they don’t care what the other person is doing or where they are . Basically, two people who live separate lives and live like roommates.
Image source: Lucyinthskyy
#23
He has bruises that came from walking into doors.
Image source: pluribusduim
#24
For me, the big sign that things had fully unraveled in my marriage when I would go out with friends and I would get absolutely obliterated drunk. I’d have so much fun being with my friends and not currently coping with my god awful marriage that I’d just go overboard and get totally wrecked.
So glad those days and that life is behind me
Image source: AmbientAltitude, Blake Wisz
#25
In my experience, going out with my old homie that was married, I could ever post us out at the bar or anything. If his wife saw it she’d blow her top apparently. We went out for my 23rd a couple years ago and merely his elbow was in the video of me sipping on whatever drink I had, in a panic, he urged that I delete it before his wife seen it for whatever reason. They’re divorced now.
Image source: jailbreakthetesla_
#26
My husbands best friend literally is room mates with his “wife” they are legally married. She doesn’t cook, clean, or take care of the kids, she is never home, and she won’t touch her husband at all not even a peck on the cheek. Most of the time when I talk to him I feel so bad for him. When we talk on video chat with him it’s just you can see his pain. He won’t get a divorce because he knows she would try to take the kids to get child support. It’s bad… I feel horrible for them.
Image source: XerObnxiousWifey
#27
He games all day and the boys are always over. She sits in the bedroom and is on her phone all day.
Because they both so glued to the screens. I was the one that saw their daughter take her first steps (didn’t even realized it until my buddy saw his daughter standing next to him and went nuts).
But hey they have been together now almost for 10 years and still haven’t broken up, but at the same time I wouldn’t call that living.
Image source: RootlessForest
#28
Look at their face when they get a cell phone call and see that it’s from their spouse. Tells you everything.
Image source: No-Conclusion8653, Andrea Piacquadio
#29
If they’re plastering social media with how HAPPY they are, and they’re SO IN LOVE, and THEY’RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, that’s a sure sign that things are in the process of going sideways.
Image source: wilderlowerwolves, cottonbro studio
#30
When you avoid or feel guilty talking about how happy you are or about the nice/thoughtful things that your partner does because you know your friend can’t relate.
Image source: anemic_girlfriend
Follow Us
