Seinfeld was one of the most iconic sitcoms of all time and is endlessly quotable! The show’s dialogue is packed with timeless one-liners, insightful musings, and all the other yada yada yada. So today, we’ll explore some of the funniest Seinfeld quotes that will make you chuckle.
Seinfeld, created by Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, aired for nine wildly successful seasons from 1989 to 1998. It was a story about a group of friends — Jerry Seinfeld, his best friend George Costanza, the eccentric Cosmo Kramer, and the no-nonsense Elaine Benes — who navigated the absurdities of everyday life in New York City.
What made the show unique was its ability to find humor in the mundane. It captured the essence of everyday situations and turned them into comedic gold. Jerry always had great observational humor, George had neurotic rants, and Elaine had her sassy comebacks. And Kramer — well, Kramer was unconventional!
These iconic quotes from Seinfeld include Jerry’s sarcastic remarks about dating, and George’s lack of social etiquette, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”!
Whether you’re a die-hard fan or new to the world of Seinfeld, you’ll surely enjoy these best quotes from Seinfeld. And if you don’t like it, well, then “No soup for you!”
#1
George: “I have a sixth sense.”
Jerry: “Cheapness is not a sense.”
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#2
“I’m much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.” – George
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#3
“Don’t insult me, my friend. Remember who you’re talking to. No one’s a bigger idiot than me.” – George
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#4
“When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.” – George
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#5
“This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.” – George
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#6
“I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.” – Elaine
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#7
“When you control the mail you control information.” – Newman
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#8
“It’s not fair people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who’s hungriest.” – Elaine
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#9
“If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.” – George
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#10
“I’m out there Jerry and I’m lovin’ every minute of it.” – Cosmo Kramer
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#11
“Tuesday has no feel! Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel.” – Newman
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#12
“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses — like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?” — Jerry
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#13
“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I’m having it.” — Morty Seinfeld
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#14
“You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle any more.” – Jerry
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#15
Jerry: “Is this about me?”
Elaine: “No.”
Jerry: “Then I’ve lost interest.”
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#16
“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.” – Jerry
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#17
“Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.” – George
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#18
“Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters.” – George
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#19
Jerry: “You’re on a desert island, you can bring five books. Which five do you take?”
George: “I gotta read five books?”
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#20
“Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.” – Cosmo Kramer
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#21
“At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.” – Frank Costanza
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#22
“You don’t need glasses, you’re just weak! You’re weak!” – Frank Costanza
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#23
“You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. ‘The Beach’. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.” — Kramer
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#24
“Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’s doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?” — Jerry
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#25
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.” – George
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#26
“I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die!” – Elaine
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#27
“My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon.” – J. Peterman
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#28
“That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society.” — Elaine
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#29
“I can’t be with someone like me. I hate myself!” – Jerry
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#30
Woman: “You don’t know my name, do you?”
Jerry: “Yes I do.”
Woman: “What is it?”
Jerry: “It rhymes with a female body part.”
Woman: “What is it?”
Jerry: “Mulva.”
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#31
“She’s a sentence finisher. It’s like dating Mad Libs.” – Jerry
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#32
“Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.” – Jerry
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#33
“You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.” – George
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#34
“A George divided against itself cannot stand!” – George
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#35
“I can’t carry a pen. I’m afraid I’ll puncture my scrotum.” – George
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#36
“Is it possible that I’m not as attractive as I think I am?” – Elaine
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#37
“Yada yada yada.” – Elaine
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#38
Kramer: “You wouldn’t last a day in the army!”
Jerry: “Well how long did you last?”
Kramer: “Well, that’s classified.”
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#39
“Serenity now!” – Frank Costanza
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#40
“I’m like a phoenix, rising from Arizona!” – Frank Costanza
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#41
“I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?” — George
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#42
“She said I wasn’t sponge-worthy. Wouldn’t waste a sponge on me.” – Jerry
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#43
“Looking at cleavage is like looking into the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it, then you look away.” – Jerry
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#44
“I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.” – George
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#45
“I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate. I’ve got it all!” – George
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#46
“I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. It’s an important part of the relationship.” – Elaine
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#47
“I’m going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.” — Babu Bhatt
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#48
“I’m on no sleep, no sleep!” – Jerry
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#49
“What’s the deal with lampshades? I mean if it’s a lamp, why do you want shade?” – Jerry
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#50
“Hello, Newman.” – Jerry
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#51
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry
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#52
“You know it’s funny, the tomato never took on as a hand fruit.” – George
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#53
“You’re killing independent George!” – George
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#54
“I’m speechless. I’m without speech.” – Elaine
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#55
“Hello, Jerry!” – Newman
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#56
“You stole my Jesus fish, didn’t ya?” – David Puddy
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#57
“I’m not the one going to hell.” – David Puddy
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#58
“Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?” — Elaine
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#59
“There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.” – Jerry
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#60
“But I don’t want to be a pirate!” – Jerry
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#61
“If you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn’t say ‘God bless you.’ You should say, ‘You’re so good looking!” – Jerry
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#62
“The sea was angry that day my friends.” – George
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#63
George: (on Kramer): “He stole your girlfriend?”
Susan: “Yes. She’s in love with him.”
George: “Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings ’em back.”
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#64
“I happen to dress based on mood.” – George
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#65
“People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live.” – George
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#66
J. Peterman: “Elaine, can you keep a secret?”
Elaine: “No sir, I can’t.”
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#67
Kramer: “You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.”
Jerry: “He’s from Jersey!”
Kramer: “Yes and now he’s a full-fledged American.”
Jerry: “Kramer, he’s just a dentist.”
Kramer: “Yeah, and you’re an anti-dentite.”
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#68
“Giddy-up” – Cosmo Kramer
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#69
“Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?” – Cosmo Kramer
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#70
“Yama hama, it’s fright night!” – Cosmo Kramer
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#71
“Damn you Seinfeld, you useless pustule!” – Newman
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#72
Elaine: “Mr. Peterman, you can’t leave.”
J. Peterman: “I’ve already left, Elaine. I’m in Burma.”
Elaine: “Burma?”
J. Peterman: “You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me.”
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#73
“Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.” – Jerry
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#74
“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.” – Jerry
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#75
“Moles. Yes, freckles’ ugly cousin.” – Cosmo Kramer
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#76
“You got a question? You ask the 8-ball.” – David Puddy
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#77
“Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?” — George
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#78
“Oh I gotta get on that internet, I’m late on everything!” – Jerry
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#79
“I’m a fancy boy.” – Jerry
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#80
“People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals.” – Jerry
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#81
“My dream is to become hopeless.” – George
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#82
“I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It’s a pleasure.” – George
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#83
“Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.” – George
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#84
“I just couldn’t decide if he was really sponge-worthy.” – Elaine
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#85
“I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.” – Elaine
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#86
“Hey, how come people don’t have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can’t it be a meal, you know? I don’t understand stuff like that.” — Puddy
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#87
“Boutros Boutros-Ghali.” – Jerry
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#88
“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.” – Jerry
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#89
“I’ll go, if I don’t have to talk.” – Elaine
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#90
“I don’t think George has ever thought he’s better than anybody.” – Elaine
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#91
“We don’t know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.” – Elaine
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#92
“What have you done to my little cable boy?” – Cosmo Kramer
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#93
“You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something.” – Jerry
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#94
“Fake! Fake! Fake! Fake!” – Elaine
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#95
“Vile Weed!” – Newman
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