When you buy a house, it comes with a lot of responsibilities. From urgent repairs to regular maintenance and keeping everything safe, people need to actively manage their homes if they want to avoid problems. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, they still show up on your doorstep.
Reddit user BelowUpstairs shared one of these unexpected issues on r/AmITheJerk. They have owned their home for more than a decade, but recently, a young woman who used to live there approached the Redditor and asked them to host her wedding reception in the backyard. She offered to cover all related costs, but the homeowner had their reservations.
Every bride has her own idea of a perfect wedding
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
But does that mean she should get her way no matter what?
Image credits: boggy (not the actual photo)
Image credits: belowupstairs
It’s normal to grieve a place, but can you demand something like this?
We experience grief as a response to the loss of anything to which we have an emotional connection.
“A growing body of research is looking at how grief can extend to ‘non-person’ losses such as infertility, loss of religion, and, yes, the loss of a former home,” writes Lauren Breen, professor of psychology at Curtin University, Australia.
The childhood home can be an important place in our hearts. “It literally housed our formative development, family bonds, and core memories,” Breen says. “Hopefully, the childhood home is where we learned about safety, security, and love.”
“It was likely surrounded by our neighbourhood, and close to important places such as school, playgrounds, and friends’ houses. It is no wonder we grieve it when it’s gone.”
So it’s normal for the bride to identify with and therefore seek a way to reconnect with a place that played a big part in her life.
The timeline when she and her family lost the property might also coincide with the burst of the housing bubble and the 2008 financial crisis. One study by the University of Arkansas, United States, found that the majority of people who were being hit by foreclosures during that period were affluent couples with a small number of children, and the loss may have been especially traumatic for them, since they were used to a secure and upwardly mobile life.
Oftentimes, a loss of a childhood home is anticipated. For example, when the parents are aging, the family has time to think about and plan for their next life chapter. This allows them to take photos, furniture, or mementos from the home or garden, which grief researchers call “transitional objects.”
“They may help you maintain a connection to what is lost, while still grieving the place,” psychologist Lauren Breen explains.
However, it could be that the bride didn’t have the necessary closure and wanted to reclaim a piece of her past, not realizing it was no longer there. Maybe nobody is the jerk in this situation after all—both her desire and the homeowner’s boundaries can be seen as reasonable and might even give her the opportunity to grieve, accept the change, and eventually move forward with peace.
People who read the story think the homeowner’s response does not make them a jerk
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