A trauma bond is a form of harm in relationships that can be difficult to notice, let alone break free from. It’s characterized by manipulative and toxic behaviors with positive reinforcement sprinkled here and there, which makes it very challenging for the victim to leave.
This woman recently learned that she was experiencing the same thing with her husband. To summon the courage to leave the toxic relationship, she shared the worrying text messages the spouse had sent her, to which folks online responded with one word—run.
This woman recently found out she was in a trauma bond relationship
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But she needed more reassurance to leave, so she shared a conversation she had with her husband for folks online to dissect
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She wondered if all of this was enough to file for divorce
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A trauma bond is characterized by emotional attachment to a person who provides pain and comfort
The term ‘trauma bond’ gets thrown around quite a lot in mental health discourse, but not everyone is using it correctly. Sometimes people describe a trauma bond as a relationship that people get into by bonding over shared trauma. But it’s actually a form of harm, characterized by emotional attachment to a person who provides both pain and comfort.
“A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment. The [toxic person] is in a position of power over the person being [harmed] and alternates between hurting and soothing them,” explains therapist Ivy Kwong, LMFT.
The red flags in such a relationship are usually subtle and hard to notice. The partner could be generally warm and attentive and take their significant other on extravagant dates, just to turn around and flirt with others or give the cold shoulder when they get upset.
This subtly manipulating and dismissing dynamic is incredibly difficult to break. “Just as you’ve got your hand on the doorknob to leave, or you’re about to block them on your phone, they’ll send you a message or gift, or they’ll say something nice, or they’ll do something nice,” says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist. “That’s the intermittent reinforcement; that’s the slot machine and that’s the core of the trauma bonding.”
Since the signs of trauma bonding are subtle, experts have listed some things to look out for in relationships that may indicate you’re trauma bonding in your relationship. A few of them include emotional dependency on the toxic person, minimization or justification of the harm, love bombing, a cycle of intense highs and lows, isolation from loved ones, fear of abandonment, self-blame, and gratitude for small acts of kindness.
Leaving a trauma bond relationship is far from simple
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Sadly, leaving such a relationship isn’t easy, even when the victim has recognized the trauma bonding signs, as the toxic person can persuade them into returning and staying in the relationship.
“What happens is once they leave, we see more often than not that the [toxic person] shows them an immense amount of love, it’s called love bombing,” says psychologist Dr. Lata Satyen. “And the victim-survivor believes that ‘Oh this person is capable of demonstrating love and affection’, so they go back and continue the bonding.”
To break the pattern, it’s important to first recognize that the relationship is based on a trauma bond and not love. “The first step in healing from trauma bonding is naming it. By acknowledging it exists and being open to breaking the cycle, you are taking a brave step forward toward your healing and freedom,” says Kwong.
Then, it’s important to seek out support from friends or family members. Trauma bonds can make a person feel very lonely and isolated, but they have to break through such feelings in order to receive the support they need. Seeking outside help is the most important step towards breaking free, as other people can help them see things more clearly and help build up the confidence to leave.
A person leaving a trauma bond relationship also must have a safe exit plan, especially if they experienced violence (emotional and physical) from their partner. After they leave, they have to be kind and patient with themselves, as healing from such a relationship takes a lot of time. Something that can help to accelerate this process is consulting a therapist, whose insights can provide clarity and skills to cope with having gone through traumatic experiences.
The woman provided more information about the situation in the comments
Readers concluded that the woman should run for the hills
Later, she came back to clarify some things
Image credits: EyeEm / freepik (not the actual photo)
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