Will we ever get bored with The Office? No! Will there ever be too many articles about it? Probably not! And let’s not forget the countless The Office memes that keep the show’s humor alive. Have we ever dedicated a post solely to Michael Scott’s quotes? Not yet, but we are about to fix that blunder with this collection of his most ingenious quotes! All one hundred and thirty-three of them to make you relive perhaps the best moments of the series.
So, what do we know about Michael Gary Scott? Born in 1965, he’s about to turn fifty-seven this year on March 15th (mark it on your calendar!). So, just a couple of years younger than the legendary comedian who portrayed him in the series, Steve Carell. We also know that Gary had a pretty lonely childhood and never attended college, having lost all his tuition money in a pyramid scheme. Also, all he ever wanted was to have friends, and that’s why he chose the life of a salesman, ultimately landing a job as Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch manager. And, you definitely know the rest – he’s the most unorthodox boss with the weirdest sense of humor and a very inappropriate understanding of social norms. So, basically, one of the most fantastic comedy characters ever created.
Okay, but let’s go back to Michael Scott’s quotes – from ‘How the turntables’ to various threats to Toby; you will definitely find all of his brilliant thoughts here. Some of these quotes you might know by heart, while other wise words of Michael’s might’ve gone under your radar before. But, no worries, as this is precisely the purpose of this article – to give you a chance to memorize all of Michael’s funny quotes!
So, put on your ‘fun jeans,’ scroll just one Angela down, and check out the hilarious quotes for yourself! Vote for the best quotes that are the epitome of Michael Scott to you, and don’t forget to share this cheerful article with your office coworkers!
#1
“That’s what she said.”
#2
“I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.”
#3
“I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends – I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments. And that’s when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.“
#4
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
#5
“Well, well, well, how the turntables.”
#6
“No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.”
#7
“So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?“
#8
“It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.”
#9
“I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.”
#10
“Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.”
#11
“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.“
#12
“When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?”- When Michael fell for one of the oldest scams around and wasn’t aware of it.
#13
“Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”- Michael screwed up his definitions at Phyllis’s wedding.
#14
“Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”
#15
“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.”
#16
“The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.”
#17
“My mind is going a mile an hour.”
#18
“No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs… Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?”- Michael talking about a CPR dummy.
#19
“When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five years old. Couldn’t even talk yet.”
#20
“I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!”
#21
“Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”
#22
“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”
#23
“Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry that your party’s so lame.”
#24
“…They say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.“
#25
“The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.”
#26
“When I discovered YouTube, I didn’t work for five days.”
#27
“Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”
#28
“I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it.”
#29
“You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”
#30
“Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your mama’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.”
#31
“It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow, that’s ten times as long as it takes me.”
#32
“Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive?”
#33
“I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask?”- Michael after accidentally burning his foot while grilling bacon on his George Foreman Grill.
#34
“It’s not that children make me uncomfortable, it’s just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I’ve never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.“
#35
“I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.”
#36
“Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”
#37
“I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish… sort of a virtual United Nations.”
#38
“They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you’re lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.”
#39
“My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.”
#40
“That has sort of an oak-y afterbirth.”— After a sip of wine during the notorious “Dinner Party” episode, Michael attempts to be a wine connoisseur with this remark.
#41
“Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.”
#42
“If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”- Michael gives a warning to Gabe.
#43
“As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So, I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it.”
#44
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”
#45
“Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.”
#46
“Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”
#47
“People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.”- Michael after using a GPS.
#48
“I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.”
#49
“Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.”
#50
“Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollars worth.’”
#51
“Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s not really a part of his family.”
#52
“I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.”- Michael on going to improv class.
#53
“I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40, I had less money than I did when I was 30.”
#54
“It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everyone to understand.”
#55
“I’m not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.”
#56
“I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.”
#57
“There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.”
#58
“Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.”- Michael demonstrates how to (poorly) take off a bra using Dwight as a model.
#59
“Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
#60
“We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens.”
#61
“The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!”- In an attempt to scare the office straight from thinking prison is better than Dunder Mifflin.
#62
“There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.”- Michael really, really messed up the definition of what it means to be bisexual.
#63
“Granted, maybe this was not the best idea but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley’s head, we will burn Utica to the ground.”
#64
“Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”
#65
“You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.”
#66
Andy Bernard: “That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.”
Michael Scott: “He’s not the worst. OK? He’s not the worst. You know who’s the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.”
#67
“Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would… be… chaos.“
#68
“Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants… he says something ordinary like… ‘yo, thats shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.“
#69
“I did not go to business school. You know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA.”
#70
“I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and have worms.”
#71
“I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him.”- Michael needs a reasonable cause to fire Toby. To Michael, hate is the only cause he needs.
#72
“Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.”- Michael describes his boss.
#73
“I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”- Michael on email forwarding.
#74
Michael: “You want to hear a lie?”
Toby: “What?”
Michael: “I think you’re great. You’re my best friend.”
#75
“There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it— And I am not going to tell them that I’ll be reading their e-mails.”
#76
“Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.“
#77
“I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.”
#78
“And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”
#79
“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”
#80
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”
#81
“Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.”
#82
“OK, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.”- Michael becomes overwhelmed while the entire office tries to convince him that a potential client is in the Mafia.
#83
“The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.”
#84
“You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!”
#85
“I’m not usually the b**t of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke.”
#86
“It is St. Patrick’s Day. And here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.”
#87
“Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work.”
#88
“The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.”
#89
“I hate it! I hate it. I don’t hate it, I just don’t like it. At all. And it’s terrible.”
#90
“I learned a while back that if I do not text 911, people do not return my calls. Um, but people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.”— To get a return call from CFO David Wallace, Michael texts him 911. To Wallace’s dismay, the “emergency” Michael was calling about was Toby Flenderson back in the office.
#91
“You know what they say ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three.’”
#92
“I say dance, they say ‘How high?’”
#93
“I want you to rub butter on my foot… Pam, please? I have Country Crock.”
#94
“I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.”
#95
“It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.”
#96
“Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go. ‘Cause of your b**t.”
#97
“I hate so much about the things you choose to be.”- Michael is annoyed by Toby.
#98
“It’s never too early for ice cream.”
#99
“Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what.”
#100
“Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, ‘Uh… no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.’“
#101
“They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office — but I will.”
#102
“I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.”
#103
“It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.”
#104
“It’s a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, and she rocks harder than anyone alive.”
#105
“I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?”
#106
“That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.”- Michael talking to Toby once more.
#107
Gabe Lewis: “Michael, you’ve just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?”
Michael Scott: “Yes. Of course. What’s this in reference to?”
#108
“I fell in love with these kids. And I didn’t want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made ’em a promise. I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life but, hands down, that was the most generous.”
#109
“Nobody should have to go to work thinking, ‘Oh, this is the place that I might die today.’ That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest. To the max. To… an office is a place where dreams come true.”
#110
“They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!?”
#111
“No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.“- Michael is ready to date again.
#112
“I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car.”- expressing his affection for the employees of Dunder Mifflin.
#113
“I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be OK.”- Michael informs colleagues after hitting Meredith with his car.
#114
“Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?“
#115
“If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus, or the front of the bus, or drive the bus.”
#116
“Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest… that’s what she said.”
#117
“And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate.”
#118
“I am Beyonce, always.”- Michael finds that he is the mistress in a love triangle.
#119
“I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it, then it’ll suck.”
#120
“It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculable.”
#121
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky”
#122
“New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.“
#123
“Two queens at casino night. I am gonna drop a deuce on everybody.”
#124
“Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.”
#125
“Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square… named for the good times you have when you’re in it.”
#126
“I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans!”- Michael bragging about his basketball skills.
#127
“Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap!“
#128
“Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?”
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