Usually, in a group of friends, there is a long list of inside jokes, sayings, and remarks. They are often the funniest words and expressions you’ve ever heard that make you chuckle every time. But there are also times when people who are known on a wider scale—celebrities—produce some hilarious quotes that make you roll with laughter.
From cute (and sometimes mischievous) jokes from the wonderful Betty White to light-hearted, positive, and funny lines about life from Stephen Hawking. There are plenty of fun quotes to discover. These funny sayings reflect the brighter side of life, turning hardships into comedy or just talking about seemingly mundane secrets behind their success.
So dive into this wonderful collection of funny quotes and sayings and add them to your daily repertoire of laughter. Vote for your favorites, as well as share the good vibes of the hilarious quotes with friends and family.
#1 Guess I’ll Bring the Ouija
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White
#2 Blondes Aren’t the Only Punchline
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
#3 When hiding in plain sight fails
“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”
― Stephen Hawking
#4 Classic “I’m done with this” energy
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”– Jim Carey
#5 Plot twists are optional in real life
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
— Tom Clancy
#6 Plot Twist: Stealing Their Shoes Before The Roast
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
#7 “Stupid’s the Real Endless”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
#8 Laugh Lines or Life’s Roast?
When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
#9 Forever the Dad, Forever the Sass
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” —Jack Whitehall
#10 Green but make it magical
“This book was written using 100% recycled words.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
#11 Instant personality test: buffering edition
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
#12 Someone’s living rent-free in my wardrobe
“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
― Michelle Obama
#13 Plot twist, she’s the real comedian
“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”
— Oscar Wilde
#14 Well, That Figures
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” ― Bob Hope
#15 True Friends: Flaws Included
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.“ — Greg Tamblyn
#16 Honestly, Same Energy
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.“– Mark Twain
#17 Big Brain Energy Only
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov
#18 Living Proof That Nothing Works
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”— Winnie the Pooh
#19 Books: Bestie Outside, Dark Inside
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
#20 Well, That’s Practical Fatalism
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
— Stephen Hawking
#21 Open Mind? Here Come the Brain Invaders
“The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”— Terry Pratchett
#22 Some deals are just too fishy
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton
#23 Meet the CEO, not the person
“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”
― Chris Rock.
#24 When Theft Becomes Research
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
― Steven Wright
#25 Deadlines: Professional Panic Mode Activated
“I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
#26 Fairy tales got nothing on reality
“Life isn’t a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”
― Darynda Jones
#27 Family vibes, but make it friendlier
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” —Anonymous
#28 Plot Twist: Dad’s Honest Confession
“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’”
— Sheila Lee
#29 Future CEOs In Training, Apparently
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
#30 That irony hit different
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
—Zach Galifianakis
#31 Plot Twist: Forgiveness as Revenge
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde
#32 Captain Obvious Strikes Again
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
— Steve Martin
#33 Snails: New French Power Move
”Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”— Doug Larson
#34 Plot Twist: Sea Level Drama
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.“ — George Burns
#35 Old age called, it wants its leaks back
“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”
― Stephen Fry
#36 Adulting Level: Officially Warned
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers
#37 Lowkey savage life advice
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin
#38 Would’ve saved me sooner
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright
#39 My kind of cardio
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
—Noel Coward
#40 Fake it till you feel it (or not)
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” — Tina Fey
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