You think you know a person. Especially your partner. But one day they tell you that their pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with them and suddenly you feel like you’re standing in front of a stranger. (Yes, Ross Geller, I’m talking about you. Shame.)
A few weeks ago, Redditor NTSTwitch made a post on the subreddit ‘Ask Women‘ that read “What seemingly harmless personality traits ended up turning out to be a dealbreaker in your relationships?” and its members immediately started sharing their experiences.
We thought the answers provide some interesting insights into not only dating but socializing in general, so we rounded up the most-upvoted ones, and invite you to check them out as well.
#1
I can’t date an extrovert. They can be really lovely people so I’ve tried but I was always just so tired. My husband likes to hang out at home and do nothing as much as I do, other people probably think we’re boring af but I’m happy.
Image source: goldandjade
#2
Agreeability. After a while you realise they never make any decisions and just go with whatever you want to do, which makes it so that you make literally all the decisions. It’s exhausting.
Image source: CatrionaShadowleaf, Caleb Ekeroth
#3
Consistently making demeaning “jokes” about you or your abilities. Death by a thousand cuts. It’s passive aggressive and completely repulsive.
Image source: melancholicangie, Kumpan Electric
#4
Conflict avoidance.
Nobody wants to fight all the time, but an inability to have a disagreement without shutting down completely is not sustainable in an adult relationship. It only builds resentment.
Image source: baffledrabbit, Fred Moon
#5
Mama’s boys. In a sense they’re great because they tend to have more respect for women, however, sometimes it’s more then that. If they never disagree with their mom and always go with mommy’s suggestions or advice over yours then that’s a red flag. My husband won’t stick up for me to his mom and I’m feeling resentful for it.
Image source: stphbby, Patricia Prudente
#6
We had so much in common. I thought it was serendipitous. Turns out he just changes his personality to mirror who ever he’s around 100% of the time.
Image source: BlondeBimbo123456789, Toa Heftiba
#7
He was always sweet and adoring towards me while a complete monster to anyone/everyone on the outside… lol it’s not that he has a soft spot for you!! It only lasts so long before they switch up on you too.
Image source: Tiny_Bug_7530, Gabriella Clare Marino
#8
Any self proclaimed ’empath’. It turns into ‘look how much I’m hurting because of your pain’
Edit: The point I’m making is that people who claim to be empaths often make other people’s emotions about them. Rather than letting a person grieve, it becomes about how much the other person’s grief effects them.
Image source: digitalkitten1999, nic chi
#9
For me it was messiness, it translated to me being responsible for all the house work & cleaning up after his mess. I became a caregiver not a partner.
Image source: kylestopthrowingfood, Samet Kurtkus
#10
Always funny. It’s fine to be funny, but it becomes a problem when the person prioritizes being funny over being kind. They’ll say something critical or sarcastic and try to hide behind “humor.” Or, “being funny” is such a big part of their identity that they will prioritize that over every else.
I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men.
Image source: MinervasOwlAtDusk, Priscilla Du Preez
#11
“Telling it like it is” — at first it seemed like an admirable trait, to be with someone that’s blunt and straightforward. But after a while, I realized they just didn’t want to be held accountable or questioned for saying awful things.
Image source: this-lil-cyborg, charlesdeluvio
#12
One I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the inability to take criticism. The last guy I was with had no problem critiquing my interests, jokes, or behaviors, but he’d always get so defensive if you ever tried to give him any constructive criticism about anything.
Image source: Kori_Grayson
#13
People pleasers.
I used to think they were generous people with kind hearts, but over time I learned not to trust them because they’re not true to themselves and are very resentful people due to their inability to say how they really feel. They do nice things to “get” you to like them, not because they actually want to. I don’t like that.
Image source: TeenyWeenyQueeny, Dmytro Tolokonov
#14
Liking to “get a little buzzed”. What I thought was just a few drinks on Fridays and Saturdays turned out to be actually drinking through 2 liters of tequila in 24 hours. Wouldn’t have ever noticed the extent of the problem if I hadn’t moved in.
Image source: RiverInOctober, joyce Mutesva
#15
Him being a social butterfly. Turns out he was always seeing who he could reel in for later and had more back burners than a restaurant.
Image source: VanityInVacancy, Kimson Doan
#16
Being a workaholic. I grew up in an immigrant home in the US, my parents had very little education from their country, so they worked very hard. I thought it was normal to work as much as they did. My ex was a workaholic with school, work, friendships, and family relationships. I even admired his work ethic. But the stress that culminated and little to no time for our relationship caused a lot of tension in our relationship.
Image source: approveausername, Annie Spratt
#17
wanting to see you all the time. I felt guilty if i didn’t want to go to his place for a fourth time that week. towards the end, one of the last straws, was his s**t talking my mom because I had to help her with something around the house and therefore couldn’t go to his place.
this wasn’t why I ended this abusive relationship, but in hindsight I realize it’s a red flag I never noticed. Something I thought was flattering in the beginning turned into 2 years of being unable to enjoy my own company without feeling anxious and guilty.
Image source: girl_im_deepressed
#18
Spontaneous. Turned into just him being impulsive and never being able to self discipline. It eventually led to cheating, drinking excessively, etc. I felt like I had to moderate him. As soon as I broke up, he went off the deep end and said it was because I was his “motivation” to be better previously 🥴
Image source: Panda2u, Fabio Comparelli
#19
Decisiveness. Started off great bc he made his mind up and was determined to follow through. Wasn’t so great when he made life altering decisions without informing or including me in those decisions even though it would effect me and our relationship.
Image source: ulilminxxx, Priscilla Du Preez
#20
Not having male friends.
Learned by the end of it that they could see through his bs/ the “i just get along well with girls” was because he flirted his way into “friendships”.
Image source: asongandabird, Helena Lopes
#21
Talking down about his exes, he thought he was making me feel better by saying they weren’t as good as me, flawed, etc. eventually it just felt like woman hate. Not flattering and not fun to listen to!
Image source: Beanzerino, Kelly Sikkema
#22
Being concientious with money. When every gift turns into a debate about how much it costs…
Image source: newmama1991, Alexander Grey
#23
Guys who make their whole personality revolve around their hobbies like anime, gaming, and science stuff. There is nothing wrong with having hobbies like that, but at the same time be more open-minded to learn new things and other experiences. I dated one and it didn’t get so far, couldn’t hold a conversation well if it wasn’t about his hobbies and interests. He also was a people pleaser which annoyed me very much.
Image source: Annalove478, Florian Olivo
#24
Name calling others within earshot. Then turned into name calling straight to my face and in front of other.
Started out as just a frustration thing. Became abusive language once they got too comfortable.
HAD to cut the string loose. Unfortunately ended in me being battered and bruised.
Image source: Error_66606
#25
Disputatiousness. At first it felt like fun banter, but after a few years it was exhausting how he ALWAYS had to be right. Couldn’t even have minor disagreements like who the actor in a movie was without it becoming a whole thing, never mind if I we actually needed to discuss something serious.
Image source: bratwurts, Mahdi Bafande
#26
thinks the fact that he’s been to therapy gives him the corner market on every emotional issue. i guess the personality trait would be “self awareness”, and i say it in quotes because there were still glaring emotional issues he had but since he’d been to ✨therapy✨ he thought he could do no wrong. he would yell and jump to conclusions and make ad hominem attacks and then immediately back track and think that was the pinnacle of self awareness. like back tracking on your abuse immediately is something that is impressive or should be revered. i wanted to be like “bro, you know there’s an option where you just act like an adult instead of blowing up and then apologizing immediately right??”
Image source: Good-Order-6479
#27
Their relationship with their mother (not exactly a personality trait but kind of). My mom always told me, “How he treats his mom is how he’ll treat you” and while I definitely want a guy who respects his mother, I think her perspective is an outdated, traditionalist way of looking at things. I have known plenty of guys who seemed to just really love and appreciate and be close with their moms at first and I thought, “Aw so sweet, he must be a good guy,” and then I find out they don’t know how to cook/clean/do laundry/take care of themselves as adults and not only that, but don’t plan on ever learning and instead expect the women they’re in a relationship with to do all that stuff and basically be their mothers so they never have to grow up. These people also can be bad at talking about serious stuff, or refuse to take accountability for their actions because their mothers to this day tell them nothing is their fault. The worst one fit that description but on top of alllll that, still cuddled/spooned with his mom in bed at age 22 (while facetiming me and letting his mom read a private letter from me over his shoulder as I sat there in awkward silence) and had sex dreams about her but didn’t find it weird. I still love guys who love their moms, but I am also very wary now because sometimes when they love them a *certain* way it comes along with some devastating emotional immaturity.
Image source: panfuneral
#28
I had a friend that was very invested/dedicated. At first, I thought this was a good personality trait, but it ended up being suffocating. She would constantly refer to me as her “best friend” even though she wasn’t mine. She made very territorial social media posts about how I was her “best friend in the entire world.” If I hung out with other friends, that she didn’t even know, she would get annoyed that she wasn’t invited. If I wanted to spend my free time alone, with my husband, with other people, etc. she would take it personally and make comments about it. She was jealous with the amount of time I hung out with my husband and said it “wasn’t fair” and that I “treated her differently” than I treat him (obviously).
Image source: pbd1996, Hannah Busing
#29
Frugality. It seemed awesome because he was super careful with money. But in the end he never likes to spend money on ANYTHING. Even things that mattered to me (e.g bday dinner).
Image source: surreal_wheel
#30
Control. Needing to control certain things or their anxiety goes wild. I have anxiety and understand the why but at the end of the day the why is never acceptable. You cannot control most things in life and the overwhelming need to do so always leads to worse things.
Image source: Throwawheyyeye, Jack Lucas Smith
#31
Being too much of a giver. At one point it was only one sided.
Image source: shockedpikachu123
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