We can all come up with quite a number of savage comebacks, remarks, or just simply funny phrases to respond to someone. However, it’s usually too late, the conversation has ended, you’re in the shower, and it’s only the soap bar and shampoo bottles listening to you. Worry not! This list will provide you with the funniest comebacks and remarks, ready to use on the go.
If you ever wondered what kind of funny catchphrases you could use in a conversation with your friends, the options are limitless. Here on this list, gathered today are funny sayings. From hilarious one-liners expressing your innermost feelings to more creative and funny alternatives for the famous “hold my beer.”
There are also perfectly summed-up sentences about the struggles in life that we might experience, but of course, with a dash of comedy to add that spice into our lives that we might be missing.
So if you’re all out of funny phrases to say to your friends, dig into this list and expand your dictionary of snappy comebacks!
#1
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then it’s suspicious.
#2
I’m sorry, I have to go. You’re boring me to death and my survival instincts are kicking in.
#3
Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.
#4
Whoever said, “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.”
#5
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
#6
I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
#7
I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
#8
Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
#9
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
#10
My brain has too many tabs open.
#11
When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.
#12
Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
#13
I stopped fighting my inner demons, we’re on the same side now.
#14
I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d still be sleeping and not talking to people!
#15
Some days you’re the bird. Some days you’re the statue.
#16
It might look like I’m doing nothing. But, in my head, I’m quite busy.
#17
Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.
#18
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
#19
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
#20
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
#21
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
#22
Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!
#23
Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
#24
I’m not sluggish. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
#25
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
#26
I put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastinate.’
#27
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
#28
Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.
#29
“Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backwards.
#30
They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!
#31
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
#32
The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
#33
Don’t you wish they made a clap-on-clap-off device for some people’s mouths?
#34
People say ‘Go big or go home’ like going home is a bad thing.
#35
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
#36
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
#37
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.
#38
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
#39
A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
#40
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
#41
Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.
#42
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
#43
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
#44
If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!
#45
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
#46
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
#47
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
#48
He who laughs last, didn’t get it.
#49
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
#50
Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
#51
Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.
#52
They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
#53
Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
#54
I am an example to others. A bad example.
#55
I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your errors.
#56
I do all my ironing in the dryer.
#57
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
#58
World Magazine has come out with a new survey: Apparently, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
#59
Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
#60
Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.
#61
Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
#62
Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.
#63
The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.
#64
I’m not sleeping, I’m resting my eyelids.
#65
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
#66
I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.
#67
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
#68
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.
#69
I’m never wrong. I’m just different levels of right.
#70
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
#71
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
#72
My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
#73
My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
#74
A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
#75
Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.
#76
I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
#77
How many times must I flush before you finally go away?
#78
A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.
#79
The road to success is always under construction.
#80
They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?
#81
They say good, honest work never did anybody any harm, but I don’t want even the slightest risk.
#82
I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive!
#83
We can’t all be princesses. Someone has to wave when I roll by.
#84
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
#85
I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine!
#86
I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
#87
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
#88
There are people who are living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
#89
My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.
#90
There’s no “we” in fries.
#91
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
#92
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, find the person that life handed vodka to, and have a party.
#93
Death is hereditary.
#94
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
#95
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
#96
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
#97
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
#98
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
#99
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
#100
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
#101
Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.
#102
If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?
#103
God created the world. Everything else is made in China.
#104
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
#105
Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.
#106
I’m not ignoring the alarm clock, I’m waiting to see who breaks first.
#107
I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny sayings.
#108
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
#109
Do people talk about you behind your back?
Simply fart.
#110
Your bank account can always be overdrawn. It’ll never be overfilled.
#111
I’m cooler than the other side of the pillow.
#112
Never ask a starfish for directions.
#113
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
#114
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
#115
Where there is a “will,” there are 500 relatives.
#116
You know what they say—dynamite comes in small packages.
#117
Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.
#118
With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.
#119
There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
#120
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food. Where does pasta even live?
#121
Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!
#122
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has avarage taste.
#123
Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.
#124
In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, I’m going to shake you off.
#125
Everyone is today years old when they find out coriander is dead and dry cilantro.
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