There is now a total of THREE psychos running around on Wisteria Lane. THREE. At this rate, the ladies of Wisteria Lane might need to invest in a background check kit just to be on the safe side for future purposes. Seriously.
Psycho #1 – The (EXTREMELY) Dangerously Jealous Ex
Patrick Logan is closing in for the kill, but gets a little too close when he visits Danny at The Coffee Cup while Nick is there. Patrick barely manages to avoid making contact with Nick, but gets info from Danny about Nick’s jogging habit at night. Then to add insult to injury, Danny gloats proudly of how much his “dad” has done for him. Douse the fire with gas, Danny. So, as predicted, later that night Patrick deliberately runs over Nick as he’s jogging, putting Nick in the hospital. Angie (stupidly) wonders who would do such a horrid thing, but luckily Nick, who is banged up badly, still can use his brain. He tells Angie that while he didn’t get a look at the culprit, he thinks its Patrick and that they need to initiate DEFCON-1, like immediately. Angie doesn’t want to leave Nick alone, but Nick says she must go to their secret hideout place and take Danny with her. Angie has another idea.
Danny thinks that his mom’s paranoia has gotten to her when she tells him what’s up. Angie begs for Danny to listen to her, just in case, and to go to the hideout and wait for them. She gives Danny cash, which he reluctantly takes. Back at the hospital, Angie finds out that Nick must be put in a coma to stop the swelling in his brain. He says he will be out for a few days and that Angie must meet up with Danny. After fighting with him on the subject, Angie agrees.
But it’s too late. Angie returns home where Patrick is waiting and he pretty much has all the bases covered. She is now a prisoner with nowhere to turn, because Patrick is moving in to the guest room. He tells her to do what he says and everyone will live. I’m so sure, Mr. Bad Man…
Psycho #2 – The Dangerously Jealous Illegitimate Child
While shopping for supplies with Sam at a supermarket, Bree witness her employee snapping at a defenseless woman, who works there and looks as if she has some sort of history with Sam. When Bree inquires what the deal is, Sam lies and relates it to something else. But Bree is gaining her common sense back and returns to the supermarket to get the woman to open up. She turns out to be Sam’s mother. Hmmm… That’s strange, because Sam ceremoniously said that his mother was dead when Andrew called his ass out last week. Bree sits with the woman, whose name is Lillian, and gets the truth. After Sam discovered that Rex wrote Lillian a letter asking for full custody of him when he was only four, he blew a gasket and declared his mother to be just as dead as his father was. Bree is horrified. I feel justified in hating.
Bree takes her findings to Orson, who is gloating so much that I have to excuse him from it, because the juice is too good. Sam enters the kitchen and after Bree sends Orson on his way, she confronts her employee about his devious nature. He then claims that he hates his mother with a passion after she denied him a chance to live it up and be the brat that he was entitled to be, citing how Andrew got everything and he didn’t. Sam then violently throws a vase that Bree was working on in an act vent his frustration against a wall. This mofo is PSYCHO!
Bree later calls Andrew over and serves him an apology, which the kid happily accepts (and rightfully deserves, dammit). Then Bree, Orson, and Andrew try to come up with a plan to get rid of Sam, but Bree makes it known that it won’t be a walk in the park. But let’s face it, Bree has experience in this type of stuff. Remember the Applewhites, George, Orson’s ex wife and mother, and Katherine’s ex husband? Should be a piece of cake.
Psycho #3 – The REALLY Dangerous Childlike Killer
Lynette gets a surprise from Eddie who buys groceries for the house when he notices that they were almost out. He then offers to get the laundry, but Lynette declares that Porter will get it. Porter claims that he doesn’t have time to load a dryer, because he has places to be… like the mall. When Lynette puts her foot down on the subject, Porter calls his mother a “b”, which sends Eddie off the deep end as he attacks Porter, demanding that Porter apologize to his mother. Lynette screams and manages to pull Eddie off of her son and realizes that she might’ve made a mistake. Ya think?
Later that night, Lynette discusses with Eddie his actions earlier that day and relates that she grew up with an alcoholic mother, as well. Lynette continues by saying that she went to counseling where she learned a breathing exercise to use when things got rough and wanted to snap. She teaches this to Eddie, but tells him that what happened earlier must never happen again, no matter how hellish her family may seem to her at times. Then Tom comes home the next night from a business trip, being a total dick, making me wonder where this side of him hides when Lynette gets in his ass from time to time. I digress. Tom complains about there not being a hot plate on the table waiting for him and starts screaming at Lynette, making Eddie go into the breathing exercise, but not being good at it. Lynette gets Eddie to calm down by forcing Tom to kiss her. Wow.
After hearing what happened with Porter, Tom wants Eddie out of the house, but Lynette isn’t ready to give up on Eddie and wants to send him to counseling. On their dime. Hell no, says Tom-O, but Lynette is not backing down from this one since she sees herself in Eddie. The next day or so after a counseling session, Lynette talks with Eddie’s counselor after Eddie is out of earshot about his potential progress. The shrink explains that things can go even smoother with a parental consent, because Eddie is going to need it if he ever wants to get better. Lynette returns to Eddie’s house to talk to Barbara, but gets no answer at the door. A neighbor informs Lynette that no one has seen or heard from Barbara for a few days, but her car is still in the driveway. Now, Lynette really feels as if she made a mistake…
Mike makes his first payment back to Carlos on the money he owes, which was $50,000. Carlos has not told Gaby about and would like to keep it that way, but Gaby has set her sights on a ski condo, which costs a good penny; a good penny that Carlos and Gaby don’t have at the moment. Gaby wants to know why she can’t get her ski condo, but Carlos remains firm that it’s not going to happen. Never tell Gaby no, Carlos!
Meanwhile, Mike is hit with news that Susan has inherited grand Yamaha piano from her recently deceased aunt. The funny thing? Susan wants to act as if they bought it to make Gaby jealous. Let the eye rolling commence. Mike forbids Susan to do such a thing, but Mike… never forbid Susan from doing something!!!
Gaby stops by Carlos’s office to talk to their accountant, who tries his best to withhold the information, but with a crafty move by Gaby (she tricks him into grabbing her butt), he relents. After hearing that Carlos was trying to help Susan and Mike, Gaby visits Susan with canned goods as her way of helping, but this goes over Susan’s head, because she is too busy trying to show off the piano. Gaby immediately buys Susan’s story of buying the piano for $30,000, which sends the red flags flying in Gaby’s eyes. She confronts Susan about wasting her money on the piano and after some revealing bickering, the two women realize that their husbands have been lying to them. And what do they decide to do afterwards? Devise a plan.
Heaven help us…
Gaby and Carlos show up the Delfino’s later for dinner, which is when Susan gloats about “buying” the piano and how much it costs. Carlos’s eyes balk. Susan then tells Carlos to ignore Mike’s “pleas” of the piano being inherited. Mike finally comes into the picture and things get hilarious as the women play their husbands against each other until they crack. After Gaby and Carlos leave, Susan and Mike have a talk that ends with Susan tearfully looking at the BOXES of bills Mike has piled up. What the hell has he been doing? Let’s just say this. I don’t think Susan’s money from the strip club can even put a dent in Mike’s debt. Sad, sad, world…
The Wisteria Lane Ledger
– With all these crazy men on Wisteria Lane, it is about to get ugly…
– Sam’s a lying, no good cheat, who hates his mother for not letting him do what he wanted to do. He’s a van der Kamp all right.
– What in God’s name could have led Mike into such a debt? Is he back on the painkillers? I bet Katherine would be glad she didn’t marry his ass now…
– Lynette’s stab at charity work hit ditch that could put her entire family’s life in danger. Eddie is acting like the Son of The Stepfather, Rosemary’s Baby Reborn, and Son of Norman Bates all rolled into one. In short, hide all kitchen knives. Or better yet, chop this sucker’s hands off completely.
– Patrick has finally caught up with Angie. Did anyone else feel as if the reunion was kind of “blah”? JB needs more to chew on. Please give it to him.
See you guys next week!