I used to think that accountants were the most serious, no-nonsense people on the planet. I mean, numbers. And taxes. And all the responsibility that follows when you deal with money. See? There’s simply no room left for fun. That’s why the very existence of accountant jokes seemed unreal to me. As I later learned, it is not like that at all.
If you think that only desperate people make tax jokes, you may have a point, but also imagine how much accountants and any professionals who work in finance enjoy them. Also, it turns out that accounting puns are not as difficult to understand as they might seem in the beginning, and they’re definitely not as difficult as any accounting software.
If you don’t know where to start, ask some of your friends who are in accounting, or even your co-workers from the financial department, to share funny accounting memes with you. You might not immediately understand them, as some of them may lean on professional knowledge, but don’t be shy to ask. Accountants are used to explaining things. Also, there are always the finance jokes that we common people make. I hear accountants find them amusing. After a while, you’ll progress to properly enjoying audit jokes, even if you have no idea how to conduct an audit.
To give you some practice, we collected jokes about accountants. Share them with your friends in the finance industry, and if they tell you more jokes, put them in the comments.
#1
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
#2
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?”, inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem — I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
#3
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, all she has to say is “Dear, tell me about your day at work.”
#4
How did the CPA break her leg?
She lost her balance.
#5
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
#6
Did you ever notice when you put the words “the” and “IRS” together, it spells “theirs?!”
#7
Nothing makes a person more humble about their income than to fill out a tax form.
#8
There are two steps to creating a successful accounting business:
(1) Don’t tell them everything that you know.
(2) [redacted]
#9
How many accountants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many did it take last year?
#10
I received a letter from the IRS telling me I committed tax fraud.
They must have the wrong address because I have never paid taxes in my life.
#11
You know when a tax accountant has been overworked when you ask what time it is, they answer, “It’s 10:99.”
#12
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book.
#13
How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh?
The Net Present Value.
#14
Have you heard the one about the fun accountant?
Me neither.
#15
What do you call an accountant without a calculator?
Lonely.
#16
What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
Accountants know they’re boring.
#17
When do accountants fall over?
When they lose their balance.
#18
Which superhero pays no tax?
Spiderman, all his income is net.
#19
What do the IRS, a mugger, and your kids have in common?
They all take your money.
#20
I was told when I bought solar panels for my house, they would be free because of the tax breaks. Does this mean they are on the house?
#21
There are three types of tax forms: short, long, and surrender.
#22
Seen on the T-shirt of an IRS tax agent: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you got.”
#23
Why did the IRS audit the chiropractor?
He owed back taxes.
#24
After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
#25
My friend just became a full-time accountant. From now on, his days are numbered!
#26
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
#27
How do accountants make a bold fashion statement?
Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.
#28
Why are accountants so cool, calm, and collected?
They have strong internal controls.
#29
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost.
#30
What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
#31
How does a pirate report treasure on his taxes?
On a schedule sea!
#32
Something you’ll never hear on tax day: “Taxes are liberating! They free you from the burden of deciding how to spend your own money.”
#33
What do a pelican, a vulture, and the IRS have in common?
They all have big bills.
#34
What do you get when you cross a tax accountant and a jet airplane?
Boring 747.
#35
What would an accountant want for a superpower?
Telepathy with an excel spreadsheet.
#36
The best things in life are free — plus tax, of course.
#37
How do you know when an accountant’s having a mid-life crisis?
He gets a faster calculator.
#38
Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?
The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.
#39
What do accountants like most about the weekends?
They get to wear casual clothes to work!
#40
Seen on a sign in the accounting firm: Its accrual world out there.
#41
How can you tell if an accountant is extroverted?
He looks at your shoes when talking to you instead of looking at his own.
#42
A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had six months to live. “Oh my God!”, said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?”, asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”
#43
What did the overworked asset say to the other asset?
“I feel so under depreciated.”
#44
How do dairy farmers do their taxes?
The ones with simple taxes use a cowculator, and the ones with complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.
#45
The IRS is a place that says, “Watch your step” going in, and “Watch your language” going out.
#46
What did the IRS say to the cat about his litter box deduction?
“I’m sorry, but you can’t claim your litter box as a deduction just because you do your business there.”
#47
Where is the place to negotiate with the IRS?
At the tax table.
#48
Where do actors that don’t pay taxes perform?
In the audit-orium.
#49
What’s the difference between “counting” and “accounting”?
Counting is one, two, three, four, five… etc.
Accounting is “ah-one,” “ah-two,” “ah-three,” “ah-four,” and “oh no!”
#50
Did you hear about the CPA who became a chef?
It wasn’t long before he was cooking the books!
#51
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
#52
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie them to a chair and mess up their excel formulas.
#53
There are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count and those who can’t.
#54
How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft?
When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
#55
America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer!
#56
Did you hear about the constipated CFO?
He couldn’t budget with his calculator so he had to work it out with a pencil and some paper.
#57
What is the definition of an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle, bayonets all the wounded, pawns their possessions and charges their time to the relatives.
#58
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular.
#59
What do you call a trial balance that does not balance?
A late night.
#60
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
#61
For every tax problem encountered there is a solution that’s straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.
#62
What does an accountant say when getting on a train?
“Mind the GAAP.”
#63
Why don’t skunks have to pay taxes?
They’ve only got one scent.
#64
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They’re great with figures!
#65
Did you hear about the cannibal CPA?
He charges an arm and a leg!
#66
What’s an accountant’s favorite type of cereal?
Post!
#67
How do accountants manage to stay out of debt?
They learn to act their wage.
#68
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
#69
Why did the two CPAs finally call off their on-again, off-again romance?
They couldn’t reconcile their differences.
#70
Intaxification: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.
#71
April 15th is when the money supply gets out of hand — as in out of your hand and into the governments.
#72
Why did the church get indicted by the IRS?
For displaying false profits.
#73
Nothing has done more to stimulate the art of creative writing than the itemized deduction section of income tax forms.
#74
Income tax is Uncle Sam’s version of “Truth or Consequences.”
#75
My local tax firm is a great place to work. Everybody counts.
#76
A successful tennis player has a lot of net income.
#77
The idea of simpler tax reform always leaves me feeling flat.
#78
Have you heard about the new dating app for CPAs?
It’s called Let’s Get Fiscal.
#79
Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child, “No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”
#80
Why does Santa like visiting the UK?
He can claim Gift Relief.
#81
What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
#82
Why was the accountant in rehab?
Solvency abuse.
#83
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?
#84
Budget: an orderly system for living beyond your means.
#85
Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.
#86
What do you call an accountant with an opinion?
An auditor.
#87
Children may be tax deductible, but they’re still taxing.
#88
What do actuaries do to liven up their parties?
Invite an accountant.
#89
How was copper wire invented?
Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
#90
Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
#91
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
#92
Where do actors who don’t pay taxes perform?
In the audit-orium.
#93
Why did Sherlock Holmes get audited by the IRS?
He had too many deductions.
#94
Why did the accountant divorce the banker?
They couldn’t reconcile their differences.
#95
How did the auditor propose to his girlfriend?
With an engagement letter.
#96
Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.
#97
Why won’t the IRS embrace bitcoin?
They don’t trust anything they can’t freeze.
#98
An IRS auditor is walking down the street when a mugger stops him.
“Give me your money!”, the mugger says.
“You can’t do that!”, says the IRS auditor.
“Oh,” the mugger comments. “Well, in that case, give me MY money.”
#99
At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income tax return.
#100
The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding. Take the 1040EZ, for example. It’s the official IRS form to demonstrate how alone, broke, and boring you are.
#101
Accounting is an accrual profession, where everyone works their assets off, and everybody counts.
#102
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
#103
Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant?
He got his client’s charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency.
#104
Where there’s a will, there’s a tax shelter.
#105
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
#106
What does CPA stand for?
Can’t Pass Again.
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