Michael Myers Just Can’t Stay Dead
Let’s be real, the Halloween franchise is like that one guest at the party who just doesn’t know when to call it a night. So, as we brace ourselves for Michael Myers’ umpteenth return from the grave, let’s have a little fun with it, shall we? Picture this: our boy Michael rises once again, but this time he’s more than just your garden-variety knife-wielding maniac. He’s got an upgrade. Thanks to modern Halloween decor trends, he’s now a $239 life-size animated character with sound and motion activation, ready to spook your socks off—or at least try to.
But wait, there’s more. Sure, he’s been ‘killed’ onscreen three times or so, but who’s counting? With every ‘final’ installment, we know it’s only a matter of time before he’s back at it. And why not? He’s Michael Myers; retirement isn’t in his vocabulary. Besides, as Carpenter puts it, ‘The only other all-purpose monster is Godzilla.’ So why not keep the party going?
When Gore Takes a Backseat
Nowadays, horror is less about how much fake blood you can spill and more about getting inside your head. So what does that mean for our dear Michael? Well, if we’re following the trend of films like ‘The Babadook’ and ‘A Girl Walks Home at Night,’ maybe it’s time for Myers to take a step back from the gore and dive into some good old-fashioned psychological horror. Imagine him lurking in the shadows of your psyche instead of your hallway—now that’s the stuff of nightmares.
We’ve seen horror hold up a mirror to society with powerful results in recent years. So perhaps Michael could become the faceless embodiment of our deepest fears—no pun intended—given his original design as ‘The Shape.’ It’s time for him to evolve from a personality-less killing machine into something more…unsettling.
The Ultimate Horror Showdown
Who wouldn’t pay to see Michael Myers throw down with other horror legends? It’s like the Royal Rumble but for psychopaths. We’ve got Freddy Krueger sharpening his glove and Jason Voorhees polishing his hockey mask—all ready for a crossover extravaganza. And why stop there? Let’s throw in some Deadites and Godzilla for good measure. After all, Carpenter did put Michael in the same league as Godzilla.
If you thought ‘Freddy vs. Jason’ was the peak of horror crossovers, think again. There are plenty of lesser-known matchups that deserve their moment in the spotlight. And who knows? Maybe we’ll get lucky and witness Michael Myers as a Deadite—it’s not the most far-fetched thing that could happen in this genre.
Outsmarted by Siri
In an age where even our fridges are smarter than us, what chance does a guy like Michael Myers have against today’s tech-savvy world? Picture him trying to sneak up on someone only to be foiled by a Ring doorbell camera or accidentally triggering an Alexa alarm while stalking his prey. It’s almost endearing, really. He might have been able to handle Laurie and her booby-trapped house once upon a time, but can he outsmart Siri?
Director James Wan loves slipping Easter eggs into his films; maybe he could give us a scene where Aquaman himself dunks on Myers with some high-tech Atlantean gadgetry. Because if there’s one thing scarier than being chased by Michael Myers, it’s being chased by Michael Myers who knows how to use your smart home against you.
New Blood on the Block
The Halloween series has never shied away from introducing new characters for Michael to terrorize—or befriend? With Hollywood pushing for more diverse representation, maybe it’s time we see how Michael interacts with characters who aren’t from the traditional slasher victim mold. Could you imagine him going up against someone who actually has their life together?
There are new faces like Laurie’s granddaughter Allyson stepping into the fray, but let’s face it: survival odds are still pretty slim around Mr. Myers. Still, there’s always room for fresh meat—I mean, cast members—in this franchise. And with Miramax eyeing a new vision for Halloween in both TV and movies, we might just see some interesting additions to Michael’s little black book of victims.
A Franchise Running On Fumes?
Last but not least, let’s talk franchise fatigue. Yes, Jamie Lee Curtis is gearing up to face off against her would-be killer yet again in ‘Halloween Ends,’ but let’s be honest: will it ever really end? The industry seems intent on milking every last drop out of this cash cow until audiences are begging for mercy—or at least something new.
Edgar Wright might be onto something when he talks about taking a breather from franchises to let excitement build up again. But then again, where’s the fun in that? We all know we’ll still line up for tickets when Michael makes his next inevitable comeback—because deep down, we love watching him try to reinvent himself…even if he ends up just hiding in another closet.
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