30 Rock 3.11 “St. Valentine’s Day”

We open on Liz getting her mail where she runs into none other than the very cute Dr. Drew Baird. Despite her accidentally drugging him and committing a felony by opening his mail, he asks her out for Friday, but Friday’s no good for Liz due to that TV show thing that’s her job. She suggests Saturday, to which Drew agrees, somewhat hesitantly, but then says that it doesn’t have to be weird it’s Valentine’s Day. D’oh! Liz didn’t realize!

Elisa and Jack are eating McFlurries. Elisa claims they’re the world’s greatest dessert. I like Salma Hayek, y’all, but I have to go with the Blizzard over the McFlurry any day. Maybe they don’t have Dairy Queen in NYC. Their loss. Anyway, Jack says the world’s greatest dessert costs $1000 at the restaurant Plunder, which lucky for Elisa, her boyfriend booked them a reservation for Valentine’s Day. Elisa corrects him it’s the fest of the martyrdom of St. Valentine – Jack’s going to church, RIGHT? He’s not one of those convenient Catholics who only go to church on Sundays, is he? Jack looks nonplussed.

Kenneth and Frank have a brief convo at TGS with Tracy Jordan, where Frank pawns off his responsibility to show the new blind girl hire around. Kenneth looks around and spots a redhead having trouble with the coffee supplies and goes over to help. What do you know, it’s the new blind girl! And she’s really pretty! Kenneth looses all powers of speech and pours coffee on his shoes. Tracy looks on and smiles at Kenneth’s obvious crush.

Jack’s office. Liz can’t believe she made a first date with Drew on Valentine’s day. She’s still concerned she’s out of her league, and we get this week’s first product placement shot of the iPhone when she shows Jack his picture. Jack is immediately suspicious something is wrong with him, ending with the question of is he a Bundy-esque serial killer? That’s what Liz thought too, but no, he’s the real deal. Jack says the way to go is to keep it low key – cook a nice meal at home. “Nice like stew?” Liz replies. Um, no Liz. Jack assures Liz his own Valentine’s day will be no great shakes (or will it? Spoiler!) since he and Elisa are going to church. Liz says she would be thanking God if she had those knockers too. Salma is quite the babe. Jack whines about Plunder and the “Lover’s Delight” dessert, so Liz smartly tells him just go to church, then Plunder.

Kenneth’s in looooooooooove! He doesn’t even hear the phone ringing, he’s dreaming of his little redheaded girl. Tracy answers for him, “NBC, blah, blah, blah” and hangs up. Tracy tells him he knows love at first sight when he sees it – it was that way when he met his wife Angie, it was that way the first time Dot Com saw Griz’s fiance. We finally learn the blind girl’s name is Jennifer when she comes walking by. Tracy says it’s time for gallantry and spills water all over the floor, causing Jennifer to trip and fall. It shouldn’t be funny, but it totally is. Kenneth rushes to her aid, but is still unable to speak, so Tracy steps in and talks for him. Tracy Cyrano’s her out on a date tomorrow, “Yes indeedy, corncobs!” Jennifer agrees, and “It’s a Valentine’s date-ly doo!” Kenneth looks wide eyed while Tracy nods happily.

Liz’s apartment. Liz and Drew have just finished their really good stew. Hey, that rhymes! It’s her own special recipe where she replaces water with cheddar cheese. Mm, cheese. I immediately noticed she’s wearing a low-cut blouse, which is quite cute. Drew is glad they stayed in and are taking things slow. Liz apologizes for not realizing it was Valentine’s day, but Drew brushes her apology off by saying since she still has a Jack O’Lantern in the hallway, he figured she wasn’t really up on what holiday it was. She says at this point the pumpkin has shrunk so much, she’s waiting to see if it disappears. OK, I love this show, but I have an issue with this. As the carver of many a pumpkin, those things rot, they don’t just shrink. C’mon, Tina Fey! You grew up in Ohio! Didn’t teenage boys ever steal the rotten stinky pumpkins and then smash them in your street? I’ll forgive you – this time. Drew wants to get the first date questions out of the way and asks Liz where’s she’s from. She leans over to answer and talks but Drew isn’t listening because (as he confesses) her breast just fell out of her blouse and he can see the whole thing. “OK, we just jumped ahead to date four! It’s not the good one either,” Liz laments. Hee!

Jack and Elisa are at church. Jack prayer-calls Jonathan to “If thy are able, to hold my table” at Plunder.

Liz explained the universal remote to Drew. He finds this appealing (men do love gadgets) and leans in to kiss her, but she excuses herself. WHAT?! Jon Hamm is going to kiss you and you bolt? Oops, turns out the stew didn’t agree with her, so Liz heads to the bathroom. But then the smoke alarm goes off – she forgot the brownies! Drew offers to take them out of the oven, and then opens the kitchen window right as Liz says under no circumstances open the kitchen window. The bathroom door flies open, revealing Liz on the toilet. Nice knee socks! I dig the argyle – very sexy! “No! Too soon!” Drew shouts in horror. I totally agree, Drew.

Liz explains that the draft from the window blew open the door. Drew says it’s not a big deal, it’s just like they skipped from date four to date twenty. Besides, he’s a doctor and he’s seen worse. Liz says that would happen on date never, and right on, Liz! Some things should just stay private. Drew’s phone rings and it’s Mandy, who we learn is Drew’s ex. She’s downstairs with Bethany, his daughter. Drew explains his mom usually watches Bethany, but she’s ill and in the hospital. Mom’s not doing well, which has been a real strain on him. Drew goes to leave, but then says maybe they should just embrace the crazy that has been their first date, and then if they still like each other at the end of the night, it’s the real thing. Liz is totally on board. Bethany arrives and she looks like a cross between Avril Lavigne and Michelle Trachtenberg when she was on Buffy. “Mom’s keying your car. Why does it smell in here?” Teenagers are so charming. Drew goes down to talk to Mandy, taking Bethany’s purse with him. “Why don’t you ever trust me?” she snits. “Because, honey, you keep setting fire to things.” Aw, Bethany’s so sweet!

Jack and Elisa are still at church. When the priest starts naming all the pregnant women to pray for them, Jack cries foul. Elisa agrees to leave but only after they go to confessional.

Jennifer and Kenneth’s date. They’re Kennifer! Tracy is talking for Kenneth, and has orchestrated a fake French restaurant on the set of TGS. Dot Com is pretending to be a French maitre’d while Griz makes restaurant noises. I think Griz has a bright future as a Foley artist! Jennifer, being blind, is impressed.

Jack is in the confessional. He tells the priest that capitalism is his religion, and offers to debate him, saying he went to Princeton. The priest replies he went to Harvard. Those Crimson guys always have to get a dig in. Jack hems and haws, but finally goes ahead and confesses. “I’m divorced. I take the lord’s name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. . . I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed “I am God” during a deposition. . . and I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapon’s grade narcotics. Oh, that feels good to say that out loud, actually. That once was weighing on me.” The priest is at a loss for words, not surprisingly. Jack doesn’t want him to say anything anyway, so the priest wonders why he’s even there. Sex is the answer, of course, because as we all know, Salma Hayek has a fantastic rack. “Have you ever made love to a woman?” Jack asks the priest. “C’mon, man!” the priest replies. Jack waxes poetic about the delights of carnal knowledge until finally the priest can take no more and darts from the confessional, calling for back up. As Jack exits, Elisa sees the whole thing and looks pissed.

Liz and Bethany “bond” while Drew talks to Mandy somewhere down in the lobby. Drew returns only to get another phone call, this time from his sister Gloria. She’s crying because Mom has taken a turn for the worse. Bethany is more concerned about drinking the rest of their bottle of wine. Liz is sure date night is over, but no! Drew is so happy she’s there by his side. I count my lucky stars I’ve never had a date this bad.

Kennifer and Tracy continue on their date. The entertainment has arrived in the form of Jenna and a keyboard player. Tracy says she’s Michael McDonald so Jenna’s on the hook for possibly the worst Michael McDonald impersonation ever. Jennifer is disappointed Michael McDonald sucks. Really, is it that surprising?

Elisa yells in Spanish at Jack in the church “like Ricky Ricardo.” “You tortured that poor priest!” I’m guessing she hasn’t seen Meryl Streep in Doubt. She questions his belief at all, and wonders why he has a picture of himself with the pope. It’s strictly business, he tells her, and mentions his other photo ops with the Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yosef, and Toby Keith. Hee, Toby Keith. I loved him on the Stephen Colbert Christmas Special. Elisa says that this is a sign that God doesn’t want them together, while Jack retorts that his iPhone ringing (product placement #2!) is a sign it’s Plunder time. Elisa is still pissed and says he blew it “And now you will never see the crazy underwears I have on!” she shouts as she storms off. Jack wonders what kind of God would let this happen.

Drew and Liz are at his mom’s hospital bedside. His sister Gloria is less than thrilled to see Liz, but we don’t get much from her since mom kicks everyone out for a private moment with Drew. Liz makes to leave, but Drew clutches her hand in a death grip, and drags her to the bed.

Jack is at Plunder all alone with the Lover’s Delight. That thing has more gold shavings on it that a shelf full of Goldschlager. I’m having bad college flashbacks. He looks sad as he plays with his ice cream.

Drew’s mom says she’s not ready to go. Drew listens, then says he wants to look at her chart, and leaves to grab it. Mom doesn’t know who Liz is. “Mandy? You look terrible!” She tells Liz/Mandy that she has to tell Drew something for her. She’s really his grandma, Gloria is his mother. If Liz/Mandy doesn’t tell him, she won’t go to heaven. Then GrandmaMa dies. Oh, poor Liz!

Kennifer’s date. Kenneth finally fesses up about the ruse, and apologizes profusely. Jennifer asks him what he would have said if he could speak. “You’re the sweetest, prettiest, blindest girl I’ve ever met. And when I’m with you, my heat jumps like a frog on July asphalt right before it dies,” is Kenneth’s heartfelt reply. “You’re so beautiful on the inside, Kenneth Parcell. Can I feel your face?” Jennifer asks. She does, and all is well until she gets to his chin. “Oh! Look at the time! I forgot I have a thing.” Tracy calls foul on her dumping Kenneth for his looks and tries to tell her she’s not hot, but she’s not so blind she believes him. Kenneth somehow doesn’t look surprised.

Elisa is back in the church pew. She finds something in the collection plate when it’s handed to her, and takes off, saying, “It’s a sign!”

Liz and Drew stand in the hallway of the hospital. “I’m so sorry!” Liz says sincerely. Drew thanks her and says they should do this again, but nothing at all like tonight. From your mouth to God’s ears buddy. Liz goes ahead and kisses him because c’mon! It’s Jon Hamm! I’d write that kiss in for myself too. “Uh, Liz, you know my mom did just die,” is his somewhat startled reaction. “Funny story – hear me out,” is Liz’s reply. Looks like GrandmaMa is going to heaven after all!

Jack stand in a McDonald’s, ordering a McFlurry. Just as he starts to order, Elisa comes in and finishes the order for him. It was a McFlurry coupon she found in the collection plate, and it was a sign they’re meant to be together. As they grab their twin McFlurries and go to leave, Jack spots Liz and Drew in the street. Drew has his arm around Liz as they share an umbrella, and the look somewhat oddly happy, considering they just had the world’s worst first date (even compared to last week). “Boy, I hope that guy’s not planning on killing her and eating her,” Jack says. “Jack, you’re such a romantic!” is Elisa’s happy reply. Oh, those crazy kids!