Remember that iconic rock hit “Under Pressure,” by Queen and David Bowie? That’s pretty much how many young families, reluctant to have offspring “right off the bat,” face pressure from their parents. It turns out that respectable parents literally dream of becoming grandparents!
For example, the user u/not_an_insomniac, the narrator of our story today, faced her own mother’s coaxes to have kids throughout her entire marriage. Only recently did she discover exactly what was behind her mother’s words…
More info: Reddit
Many young adults often say they face serious pressure from their parents to have kids as soon as possible, as it happened in this story
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author of the post says that her mom has been coaxing her to have kids since the wedding, but she and her husband are pretty staunchly child-free
Image credits: koldunov / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The mom, however, used every opportunity to tell her daughter about another virtue of parenthood
Image credits: andreas / Freepik (not the actual photo)
So, one day, the author just told her they had considered adopting a baby one day rather than giving birth
Image credits: not_an_insomniac
The mother flatly objected to this idea, claiming that she only wanted biological grandkids, not adopted, thus showing her true colors
Well, the Original poster (OP) and her husband, by her own admission, are pretty staunchly child-free. If they have any plans for offspring for the distant future, they’re more likely to adopt a baby. Right now, however, children are out of the question. Meanwhile, our heroine’s parents are in fact dreaming of grandkids.
And, as often happens with potential grandmothers, the author’s mom extolled, at every opportunity, the joys of motherhood, and all the countless virtues of having children. No, our heroine understood that, from a theoretical standpoint, her mother was largely right, but in practice, she and her spouse didn’t want it.
And so, at some point, in a conversation with her mother, when the topic of having kids came up again, the original poster admitted that they were definitely considering adopting a baby one day. She thought it would please her mom, or at least be a compromise option for her, but how wrong she actually was!
It turned out that all her mom’s abstract talk about parenthood was just meaningless; or rather, it was merely a mask for her desire to have bio grandkids. The lady flatly opposed the very idea of adoption, and that was the end of the conversation. But now the original poster knows that her mom really wanted grandkids for her own sake, and she knows how to shut her down the next time.
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Interestingly, despite the fact that parental pressure to have grandkids has long been a byword, sociological survey data nowadays shows that it doesn’t have such a significant influence on decision-making. For example, this 2023 YouGov survey shows that only 9% of couples cited parental pressure as a factor in having kids.
This data is supported by a recent Pew study, which found that 67% of young adults who aren’t parents say they don’t feel pressured to have children, either by their parents or in-laws. How sincere these responders actually were is another matter. But sometimes, parents can be pushy, and this seems like a clear violation of personal boundaries.
How can this be resisted? This dedicated article on HealthLine explicitly states that the key is to understand the motives behind boundary violations. In other words, this is precisely what the author managed to do, albeit not through frank dialogue with her mom.
Well, I don’t know if people in the comments ever participated in the surveys cited above, but many of them actually shared their own stories of how their parents subjected them to significant pressure to have kids. Some adult former adoptees also advised the OP, if they ever decide to adopt a baby, not to count on her mother’s support.
Simply because many such grandparents don’t consider adopted kids a true part of the family. In any case, the author will now find it easier to resist the mother’s pressure, the responders wrote. “At least now you know it’s about her wants, not your life,” someone added wisely. So what do you, our dear readers, think about this story?
Many commenters shared their own stories of their parents’ pressure, and urged the author to stand her ground anyway
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