Since premiering in 2009, Archer has established a large cult following of passionate fans; fans who’ve kept this hidden gem on FXX for 12 seasons now. Archer follows the misadventures of a secret intelligence agency with the most unqualified employees of all time. Let’s be clear, all these characters are terrible people, so if you’re not ready for a roast, stay out of the kitchen. But if you want to know which of these awful humans (and cyborgs) represents your sign, let’s get into it!
Aries – Cyril Figgis
Starting this mini-roast off with the fire of the zodiac, Aries. Cyril represents your traditional immaturity, with his victimized approach to every situation. He often relies on others to bail him out, it’s kind of his classic move. Cyril shows us the expansive range of Aries traits; from self-important and confident for no reason, to completely overwhelmed by almost any situation and lacking the necessary skills to help oneself. Much like your representation in the zodiac as a whole, you notate the beginning of life, and while it’s filled with excitement and change; it’s also a lot of drama for the people around you, Aries.
Taurus – Barry
Taurus, it makes sense that you’re represented by a literal cyborg; your emotional intuition is about as good as Barry’s. You’re the most stubborn person most of us have ever met, refusing to give up on a cause even if you can quit while ahead. Barry shows us what we’ve always known, Taurus, that you care way more about other people and their drama than they care about you. 12 seasons later, you’re still chasing the same dude that had to be reminded you exist. Hope that humbled you, Taurus; you probably needed it.
Gemini – Katya
Gemini; a literal metaphor for being two-faced. Katya shows that Gemini’s have allegiance to absolutely no one, and operate on a transactional basis that often doesn’t consider the feelings of others. You’re always looking out for yourself first, Gemini, which is totally fine; just remember there are other people that exist in the situation you’re in. As an air sign, you have a tendency to over analyze situations; much to the annoyance of other signs. Gemini, you’ve been long-heralded as the worst zodiac sign, but I disagree; you’re definitely tied with Leo.
Cancer – Woodhouse
Calling all doormats and entryway rugs; since you allow yourself to get stepped on as much. You love to play a victim card, as the least mature of the water signs, and passive aggression is always your signature move. No matter how much you may complain or bark, you never end up changing the situation you’re in, allowing yourself to get pile-driven by larger personalities or manipulative people. You hold a really tight grudge, which is honestly too much drama for the rest of us, so just take a deep breath and let it go. And stop caring so much about what others think, it can ruin what few social prospects you do get.
Leo – Sterling Archer
We all saw this one coming, no? Archer is the title of the show, so of course he’s a Leo; no Leo would ever do anything without making sure everyone knew it was him and taking all the credit (which Archer often does). Whether or not you want to be honest about it, you can get wrapped up in self-image and what you project out onto people; a lot of times, that means you’re an insufferable narcissist who thinks the world revolves around them. Humble yourself, Leo; Beyoncé is a Virgo, you’re Luther Vandross.
Virgo – Cheryl Tunt
Have you ever met someone that is so smart they are literally stupid? Hello, Virgo. Cheryl shows that Virgo’s don’t always have to be technically smart, so long as they are abundantly resourceful. As the heiress to the Tunt dynasty (which basically owns America in this show), she’s been cosplaying as a poor receptionist who gets verbally harassed by the team. As the show goes on, we see how she manipulated the narrative, finding out much more about her character (who is actually very street-smart). You’re a hard-worker, Virgo, so I have to respect the hustle; and you have Beyoncé, there’s really no topping that.
Libra – Ray Gillette
Libra, how do you manage to stay so important to our social dichotomies while remaining so forgettable? Sorry, you’re an air sign, I know that one probably hurt your feelings. All honesty, Libra, you’re the unsung hero of the zodiac, and you don’t get the respect you deserve, but there is a saying about the squeaky wheel always getting the grease. You are the hero of ‘I hate drama’ but you absolutely live for drama and you know that; neither of us have time to play around and act like you don’t.
Scorpio – Mallory Archer
Drier than the Sahara and meaner than a striped snake, we have Mallory clocking in as our resident Scorpio. You love to act like feelings don’t exist, while your emotional volatility and projection says otherwise. You like to think of yourself as a tough cookie, and sometimes you are, but mostly you’re a moist slice of bread that collapses under the weight of their own feelings and analytical nature. Take a couple seconds to realize that not everything involves you, or needs your opinion; as hard as that might be to imagine.
Sagittarius – Ron
You’re notoriously flighty, Sag; you come with your own aviation license and runway access. You, like Ron, very seldom want to move past the fun stage of personal relationships, because you literally cannot be bothered to handle anyone else’s problems; mostly because of your inability to handle your own. You like to walk the lonely road, Sag, but that isn’t always by choice. Remember that your decisions do in fact effect others, Sag, and nothing in this world is a zero sum game.
Capricorn – Dr. Krieger
What has less flavor than a saltine, with all of the ridges that’ll cut your mouth open? That’s right, Capricorn. Like Krieger, you think you’re smarter than every single person in the room; even when you true intelligence can give away the false confidence and illusion of intellect. You’re all the dryness of an earth sign without any of the stability; which is ironically what y’all are known for. Capricorn, when you get a life outside of your work and have a flex that isn’t material goods; call me.
Aquarius – Lana Kane
Aquarius, not everything has to be an argument. And news flash, you aren’t the most unique person every single other person knows. Like Lana, you are committed to seeing yourself as someone or something special, while still having such a critically low self-esteem; which is honestly stunning and shocking. Stop searching for a higher calling in life because you feel entitled to it; and for the love of Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the wee donkey, please stop crying all the time.
Pisces – Pam Poovey
Pisces, I really don’t want to go in too hard on you, because I know your delicate sensibilities wouldn’t be able to handle the full heat of a roast. Your signature move, like Pam, is the ‘that really wasn’t my fault’ when it absolutely was your fault. At this point, your tear ducts shouldn’t even work because of how overused they are, and it’s always over the smallest things. Put on your big boy pants, Pisces, and actually face the world today.