It’s time for total honesty here, if we wanted entirely realistic fight scenes, then Hollywood would be in big trouble since the average fight scene goes to the ground or is over pretty quick with one skilled or lucky hit. But in the movies we can see people taking multiple shots and still maintain the fortitude to keep going since that’s just how things work with movie magic. Of course there are those moments when a lot of us will look at said fights and shake our heads as we realize that this couldn’t and wouldn’t happen in real life since, let’s face it, no matter how much a human being toughens their body they’re not going to take such heavy shots repeatedly to any part of their body and keep functioning well enough to stay in the fight. But we tend to accept it and move on since we want to be entertained, not lectured on how a fight is supposed to go. If we wanted that kind of entertainment we’d just watch Jerry Springer.
Here are some of the worst fight scenes from the 90s.
Now granted, these movies are pretty cool and they get a pass for a lot of things, but this train fight is flawed on a few different levels that go beyond the idea of Keanu Reeves crawling atop a train that’s moving with any type of speed. Plus, if Dennis Hopper’s character is so smart then how did he not think to mention that he’d kill his hostage if there was a dye pack in his money, or not think of the dye pack at all? Then, oh yes, the piece de resistance, the fight atop the train. Obviously Hopper’s not that smart if he can’t simply beat Keanu to death with the remote, since obviously after a few good whacks Keanu’s eyes should have come close to rolling back in his skull. But those red lights come at certain intervals, and he had plenty of time to look up and see it coming. Oh my head….yes it was an obvious pun.
4. Total Recall
Obviously all that training is pretty selective when it comes to when Hauser gets to use it, since any guy would tell you that after one hit to the family jewels that spot becomes a priority and shouldn’t be left open for repeat offenses. Plus, if someone’s shooting at you from INSIDE the apartment, the OUTSIDE should be looking pretty cozy at that moment until whoever’s inside decides to come out and play. And of course, it needs to be mentioned that Arnold used to need those big muscles and star power to carry a movie since his fighting skills were next to nil, even when he was playing a highly-trained operative.
3. Starship Troopers
So the Mobile Infantry trains people to kill but it certainly doesn’t teach them to fight since Rico managed to get one sucker punch in and then couldn’t find a way to hammer his opponent into submission, when the guy had his BACK to him. Follow that up with the idea that he gets flipped head over feet onto his back on a nearby table, AND it takes several elbows for him to finally lift his knee into his opponent’s face, and it’s a wonder that Rico ever survived a battle considering his lack of skills. But then again, one doesn’t exactly expect to get into a fist fight with a bug.
2. Demolition Man
I might catch some hell for this one but oh well. Keep in mind I do happen to like this movie, but the fact that Phoenix came out of cryosleep after being programmed to be a perfect weapon and he still couldn’t take Spartan out. Letting go of Snipes’ martial arts background, Phoenix is still stronger, quicker, hits harder, and is far more psychotic than Spartan, but maybe that’s his downfall. He likes to play with his prey a little too much, but there’s still no way that Spartan should have survived this apart from the idea that the good guy needed a win and thus the slow motion finish was absolutely necessary.
1. The Rock
Geez where I start with this one? Again, I liked the movie, enjoyed the banter between Connery and Cage, but some of these scenes, oy. The VX gas in the mouth is hard to take since first, how did he avoid breaking that thing when he was tumbling about and the first broken ball we see in the movie collided with a wall and burst? Next, the fact that he’s shaking as he plunges the syringe into his body (it was awfully low to be his heart) is kind of worrisome. And then of course the idea that he gets up and runs out to pop green smoke so that the island isn’t immolated to eliminate the VX problem is kind of hilarious really.
Movie magic, ya gotta love it.
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