Movie Review: The Convent

Some movies aren’t meant to be great, but even if they’re meant to be cheap, schlocky stories one can’t help but think that they’re also supposed to be somewhat entertaining. The Convent is, well, something to watch when there’s absolutely nothing else, or when someone figures that they’re ready to take a look at something that is bad on purpose. Yes, such movies do still exist and to be fair, these types of movies do entertain those that don’t judge what they watch too harshly. With this movie though, judgment is kind of expected, no matter that it’s rather easy to guess that it’s the type of movie that isn’t going to leave a lot of survivors if any. Beginning with the retelling of how a young woman named Christine went ape on a convent full of nuns and priests, killing them all in what looks like a fit of rage, the story kicks off in a manner that makes Christine look like an unrepentant killer that somehow escaped justice many years before. With the emergence of several frat boys and three attractive women though, one can easily imagine where this movie is going. 

In all fairness, the movie’s predictability is kind of nice. 

What could make this movie fun is the fact that it’s not trying to be something that it’s not. The group of college students falls into their stereotypical roles quickly and without a lot of guesswork since there’s a jock, a jerk, and a boyfriend to the female lead that belongs to the fraternity but also appears to care about her. Adding in the brother of the female lead, who’s attempting to impress the frat boys to join their group, is kind of expected since there had to be a beta to balance out the ridiculous alpha characters. If one thought that the beta was going to drop dead quickly though, then they haven’t watched that many horror movies, since the alphas are usually those who wander into danger without thinking about it. 

The plot does have some merit. 

One has to admit that if there are any local legends in their town or city that there are bound to be kids who are going to hear about them and perhaps even try to test their veracity from time to time. A convent where evil spirits dwell would be a serious draw for a lot of those who are into the supernatural and want to see something intense. But in a movie, this usually backfires since those doing the seeking don’t typically know what they’re getting into. Once they do figure it out it’s usually too late, and as it happens in this movie, things continue to escalate as the college kids visit the convent and are ousted by a couple of cops, one of whom happens to be none other than Coolio. After leaving one of their group at the convent, they end up heading back after the jerk of the group admits that she was left behind, along with a stash of pot that acts more like something else based on the effects the actors simulate. Unfortunately, a group of Satan-worshipers snag the woman and sacrifice her, allowing one of the demonic entities in the convent to inhabit her body. Yes, it gets that ridiculous that quickly. 

From there it kind of goes downhill in a hurry. 

There are a few amusing points to the story, such as when Adrienne Barbeau shows up as the elder version of Christine and sets the story straight to one of the final survivors as she tells of how the demons within the convent had already infected the nuns and the priests and were attempting to steal her baby to corrupt him as well. After saving her child, Christine killed the possessed clergy and escaped with her child, only to go into seclusion not long after. When told that the convent has been opened once again, Christine reluctantly makes her way back to rid the world of the evil once and for all, more or less, as she and the female lead end up shooting and beheading all but a couple of the possessed clergy. In the end, Christine sacrifices herself to rid the world of the evil, while the female lead and her brother make their escape. 

All’s well that ends well, right?

The movie could have done without its ending, but a lot of horror fans might state that it wouldn’t have been as complete, so therefore there was one final twist before the credits rolled. After surviving the hellish experience, the female lead suddenly realizes that the evil isn’t dead since the dog that belonged to one of the deceased college students is now possessed. As it attacks her the screen goes black, and one can either laugh and enjoy the moment or roll their eyes and move on from this neon nightmare. 

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