Two and a Half Men 9.06 “The Squat and the Hover” Recap

Walden’s naked again, and he’s sorting through his mail. Unfortunately for him, his divorce papers have arrived. He flails around the room complaining to Alan and Jake that soul mates can’t be found around every corner. As Jake watches, he just hopes his growth spurt hasn’t ended.

Later, Walden has found clothes and is burning everything related to his marriage. Alan tells him he may later regret not having any of it, but Walden needs to get rid of his old life before he can start a new one. That includes selling the beach house and moving to New York. For completely selfish reasons, Alan can’t have that happen, so he suggests that Walden’s rash decisions may be due to clinical depression and he should visit Charlie’s former therapist. Walden points out that Charlie ended up dead, but Alan reminds him that Charlie was pushed in front of a train by a crazy woman. You can’t blame Charlie’s shrink for that–you might be able to blame the crazy woman’s shrink. (Again: where is Rose?)

With Charlie gone, Dr. Freeman (Jane Lynch) could use a new client, and she’s found a good one in Walden. While he sits on her couch hugging a pillow, she tells him that depression is often a result of repressed anger and burning everything from his marriage could be construed as an angry gesture. Where do they turn to next? His childhood, of course.

Walden says he has only wonderful memories of his childhood, but that his parents aren’t still together and he doesn’t want to talk about it. His father disappeared when he was three. Literally disappeared–he was an amateur magician and it was his signature trick. A year later, his father actually did disappear with another woman. His mother raised him by herself, did everything for him, and he always felt safe with her. The saddest day of his life was when that ended: he got married, and Bridget did everything for him and he always felt safe with her. Walden is shocked to realize that Bridget was always right: he’s emotionally immature and treated her more like a mother than a wife. This makes him angry, and anger causes depression. Dr. Freeman says he will need to continue to see her, because his realization about his past isn’t a cure. Alan has succeeded: Walden decides that he can’t run away from his problems by moving to New York. Walden gives Dr. Freeman a hug as he leaves, and she decides that maybe she isn’t gay. If it wasn’t already, it’s now solidified that virtually every living being on the show will be attracted to Walden.

Alan and Walden go to the movies and run into Bridget (Judy Greer) who is with another man (Joe Manganiello). He happens to be a very attractive man who is a cosmetic surgeon that travels around the world helping children in war zones. She’s dating Conan the Humanitarian. After seeing Walden with Alan, the new guy is convinced they are a couple. Walden doesn’t take the interaction well, but Alan still sees this as a good time to pull his I-forgot-my-wallet trick on Walden. He offers to buy Walden popcorn, but then Walden ends up paying for a pile of theater concessions–and you know how expensive that is.

At a bar after the movie, Walden and Alan drink appletinis while a woman next to them–who bears a striking resemblance to Bridget–orders two beers. Walden quickly becomes obsessed with this woman, Danny (also portrayed by Judy Greer), even after he finds out that she’s in a relationship with another woman, Kiki (Monika Smith). The title of the episode comes from Kiki, who had to do the “squat and hover” in the disgusting bathroom at the bar. To make it clear that Walden and Alan should stop hitting on them, Danny kisses Kiki. Because Walden just wants Danny to feel comfortable enough to have a conversation with him, he kisses Alan. The girls are easily convinced that Alan is gay, so they agree to go back to the beach house to hang out.

Walden takes Danny out to the deck where they proceed to discuss their coming out stories, while Alan tries to find out whether Kiki is ever attracted to men. As usual, Walden just ends up talking about Bridget and eventually admits he is straight and that Danny reminded him of his ex-wife. Danny is really sweet and feels bad for the guy, but when they go back inside, she doesn’t feel bad for Alan who is kissing her girlfriend. A few punches in the face later, and Alan still considers the night a win.

Walden takes Alan on another movie date to make him feel better about his bandaged, broken nose. Alan confesses that he originally didn’t want Walden move for selfish reasons, but he would miss Walden if he moved to New York. Walden says he would miss Alan too, and he’s OK with knowing that Alan didn’t really forget his wallet. Walden calls Alan his best friend and they snuggle. Bridget happens to be sitting behind them in the theater and now seems convinced that Walden and Alan are a couple.

Bringing Jane Lynch back to the show can only be a good thing, and that’s now three characters for Judy Greer on Two and a Half Men. Will there be more?

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