Two and a Half Men 9.04 “Nine Magic Fingers” Recap

Choking on popcorn would be an even worse way to die than getting pushed in front of a train, but Alan will be rescued in plenty of time for next week’s episode. Even better: he will have his old room back along with Walden’s blessing to live there as long as he wants.

It’s a good thing the living situation is finalized, because at the beginning of the episode, Alan is looking for a new place in the sports section of the paper. He’s never leaving. Berta, meanwhile, has taken up power walking on the beach and has decided that Malibu is the greatest place to wake up in the morning.

Alan asks Walden if he can have an overnight guest. Walden’s confused, as he thought Alan was the overnight guest. Alan explains that he has a date with his ex-girlfriend, Lyndsey (Courtney Thorne-Smith), and he doesn’t want her teenage son to hear them “reconcile.” Walden doesn’t want to hear it either, but he agrees.

After burning down her house and accusing her of sleeping with Charlie, Lyndsey has mostly forgiven Alan and they go on a dinner date. Lyndsey asks about Charlie falling in front of a train, to which Alan responds, “Fell. Pushed. Jumped. Whatever the verb, the end result was Charlie tartare.” This week’s remark about Charlie’s death brings up one question–where is Rose? Everyone seems to know she killed Charlie, yet she has disappeared and nobody is mentioning her. Hmm.

Back to the date–Lyndsey and Alan have a hard time finding something to talk about. They don’t want to ruin the evening by talking about their children, or about how much of an idiot Alan was, or about how Alan hasn’t been with anyone else since they broke up (and she has). It’s better to not talk.

At the beach house, Berta’s nine-fingered date shows up. Walden asks what’s going on, and Berta continues to deliver the funniest lines of the season: “What’s it look like? I’m going to get drunk, eat some chicken, and rock this old man’s world.”

Walden doesn’t understand. “I’ve got 10 fingers and a billion dollars, and this guy’s getting more action than me.” He’s upset, so what does he do? Calls Bridget, of course. Actually, they have a video chat. Bridget claims she’s at a “charity event” where everyone is wearing masks and apparently no other clothes (a charity for people without faces, of course). Since Walden is so clueless, she manages to talk herself out of that situation. He still wants her back.

Alan and Lyndsey show up at the house. Surprise, Lyndsey’s attracted to Walden. Will there ever be a female on the show who isn’t? Lyndsey tries to talk Walden out of his depression. As she’s sitting right in front of him, she tells him that the perfect girl could be sitting right in front of him. He’s clueless to her advances, but Alan isn’t, so he convinces Walden to go out to a bar and start trying to find Mrs. Right.

Later, Walden returns home and interrupts Alan and Lyndsey while they’re in bed to tell Alan that he found Mrs. Right. She’s there with him, and it’s none other than Courtney (Jenny McCarthy), Charlie’s criminal ex-girlfriend. It’s shocking that Walden hasn’t already been taken by a con artist. The next morning, Walden proposes that the four of them go on a double date. Alan is hesitant until Walden says he’ll pay.

Jake briefly shows up and chats with Courtney on the deck. She’s in a bikini. He’s a teenager. That’s the basic exchange. Jake leaves so Alan can talk to Courtney alone. He tells her to leave Walden alone, because he doesn’t need someone who makes a life out of finding wealthy men and sponging off them. She says that sounds a lot like Alan himself. He can’t really disagree.

During their double date, Courtney is already treating Walden the way she needs to in order to win him over–like a child. She cuts the fat off his steak and wipes his mouth while he sits there with his plaid bow tie. Success–Walden asks her to move in. She asks if there’s room for her at the house with Alan there, but Walden says Alan will be moving out. Alan takes this opportunity to hint to Lyndsey that he could move in with her, but that’s a no go.

The next morning, Alan tells Courtney that she hasn’t won yet. He has another card to play, and the card is knocking at the door: Bridget. After a lovely greeting between the two women, Bridget tells Walden, “Alan called and told me that you were doing something stupid, and I just met her.”

It’s clear that Bridget cares enough about Walden that she doesn’t want him ‘to be taken to the cleaners by Botox Barbie.’Courtney already knows exactly what she needs to say: she’s not in it for the money, but she wants to take care of him. Bridget can’t verbally beat that response, so she offers Courtney $50,000 to leave him alone. She takes it when she finds out that Bridget knows she’s using a fake name and is wanted in three states for fraud, forgery and money laundering.

A warning from Walden: there are women out there who will be nice to you just to get your money. In exchange for contacting Bridget to save him, Walden wants Alan to stay at the house for as long as he wants. He trusts Alan and actually likes having him there. When Berta hears this, she decides she’s moving back home. Just as he gets his old room back and things are looking up, Alan chokes on popcorn and passes out. Somehow, he’ll be fine.

It would be nice to have some new characters and actresses on Two and a Half Men that are purely associated with Walden instead of plot lines from the past. At the same time, we need to know what Rose is up to. Maybe soon?

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