Right, of course, it is terribly funny when someone is pricking you and probing all your nooks and crannies with some cold metal medical instrument that should belong in a torture museum, no less.
It’s even more hilarious when you’re being poked with a needle or told that the only cure for your ailment is a complete overhaul of your lifestyle, including quitting your job. And if you’re really lucky, maybe even a call to your personal injury lawyer – because laughter is the best medicine, but liability waivers are a close second.
A real ha-ha moment there! Yet, you could always turn the tables around and laugh at something relatable to the subject before you’re the one being laughed at. Do you know where this is going?
Yup, you are right; we are presenting our list of medical puns that are as good of a weapon against your nemesis – healthcare – as any. Hopefully, you’ll laugh away your scorn with these hilariously funny hospital puns!
So, what should you expect from these medical puns and jokes? Well, for instance, a good dose of fun aimed at the very same cold metal instruments that belong in a torture museum. After reading these cool puns, the only reaction to seeing a scalpel will be laughter!
Then, there’s a good chunk of doctor jokes, too. And once you stop laughing at those silly jokes, you’ll see that a doctor is no white-clad god but just a human like you.
So, funny medical puns aimed at instruments, doctors, nurses, prescriptions, and all the inconveniences you endure while at an appointment are laughed at wholeheartedly here. What could be better?
Only one thing – that is you actually scrolling to the hilarious puns themselves and checking them out! Once you are there, give your vote to the ones that made you giggle and share this article with your friends.
#1 The Snacking Insomniac’s Anthem
What is it called when you can’t sleep but eat all night instead?
Insomnomnomnia.
#2 Plot twist: I’m really bad at hiding
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.
#3 Guess my pee’s got plans today
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble!
#4 Bravery in the Bloodline
It takes some guts to be an organ donor.
#5 Wait, My Veins Just Spoke
You can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely.
#6 This Pun Just Won’t Quit
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
#7 The Appendix Went Missing
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain. Somebody had ripped the appendix out.
#8 Oops, they really see everything
Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.
#9 Kidney Stones: The Ultimate Brainbreaker
Medical students hate the test on kidney stones, it’s the hardest test to pass.
#10 Unlikely Roommates in Your Body
Why don’t yogurt and medicine get along?
One is probiotic, and the other is antibiotic!
#11 Classic dad joke energy
“Doctor, Doctor! My son just swallowed a roll of film!”
“Let’s hope nothing develops!”
#12 Eye see what you did there
Optometry puns just keep getting cornea!
#13 Can’t Remember the Punchline
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
#14 Canine Tech Support Failed Again
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine but CAT-scan.
#15 Cold comfort medicine
What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.
#16 Heart thief’s paradox, am I right?
If you steal someone’s heart, do you get cardiac arrested?
#17 Plot Twist: Not Your Average Marker
Why do nurses bring red markers to work?
Just in case they need to draw blood.
#18 Not Your Period Joke Zone
PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
#19 Surgeon Served Up a Win
I just had a successful liver transplant operation.
That surgeon really de-livered!
#20 When your organs actually have their life together
Why do your heart, liver, and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
#21 Pediatrics: Where Patience Runs Out
Why are pediatricians always agitated?
Because they have little patients!
#22 Collecting heads? That’s next-level dedication
I went to medical school with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls; he’d do anything to get a head.
#23 Plot twist: We’re both getting evicted
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Did you hear? The doctor’s taking us out tonight.”
#24 Guess the punchline got infected too
The plague, the flu, and common cold walk into the room. I asked, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”
#25 When Bad Choices Turn Professional
A friend of mine made so many rash decisions that he became a dermatologist.
#26 Suture Yourself, Honestly
Nurse: “Wow, that cut looks terrible. Do you want me to stitch it up?”
Me: “No, thanks.”
Nurse: “Fine, suture self.”
#27 Guess the Internet Has Standards
I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.
#28 Well, that Took a Turn
The doctor told a patient, “You have acute appendicitis.” The patient replied, “Is that better than an ugly one?”
#29 Plot twist: lemons aren’t useless
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid!
#30 Laughter: The Best Medicine, Literally
A little joke when you’re sick never hurt antibody.
#31 Killing Me With Puns
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport puns. The doctor says it’s terminal.
#32 Pun Intended, Obviously
Why did they take paracetamol to prison?
It’s a pain killer.
#33 Pawsitively Overwhelmed
What is the medical name for owning too many dogs?
A roverdose.
#34 When the nurse said “B+,” I almost passed out too
A very nervous patient was admitted to get a blood transfusion at the blood bank. The female nurse told her not to worry and B+!
#35 Pun Intended, Obviously
A patient said to the doctor, “I keep dreaming my eyes change color”. The doctor says “It’s just a pigment of your imagination”.
#36 That Turnaround Hit Me Hard
For years I was against organ transplants. Then I had a change of heart.
#37 Eye roll-approved headaches
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
#38 Mood: Permanently Vibrant
What happened to the girl who ate food colouring?
She dyed a little inside.
#39 Rejection? Not in their vocabulary
The funniest thing about transplant nurses is that they cannot stand rejection!
#40 Breathless and totally hooked
When the lung fell in love it took its breath away.
#41 Guess I’m officially too extra now
I woke up this morning coughing badly, think I may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.
#42 Breathing New Life into Friendship
We be-lung together.
#43 Plot twist: Your organs throw a party too
What do your organs do on your birthday?
They cell-ebrate!
#44 Guess this one’s a tough pill to swallow
Bad medical puns are hard to stomach.
#45 That pun just flowed perfectly
What did the bladders say to each other on Valentines day?
Urine my thoughts.
#46 Literal and brutal, I love it
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said “Keep off the Grass.”
#47 Brainstorming in progress
Mind neuron business.
#48 Vessels > Vacation Boats, Honestly
An organ’s favorite boat is a blood vessel.
#49 Single Pupil, Infinite Patience
Eyes make dedicated teachers because they only have one pupil.
#50 Too Soon for That Joke
I have a joke about the flu but I hope you don’t get it.
#51 Coincidentally Unchanged
Nurse: “What’s the condition of the boy who swallowed a quarter?”
Doctor: “No change yet!”
#52 Finally, someone who gets it
You must go to the foot doctor to get heeled!
#53 Bone to be punny
Why did the doctor laugh at the X-ray of an arm?
Because he found the X -ray humerus.
#54 See life through a wider lens
Why do eye doctors live so long?
They dilate.
#55 Classic nurse humor, honestly
Nurses are very weird and always answer in a negative way. I told my registered nurse friend to stay safe during this pandemic, she just replied, “You stay negative”.
#56 Love was totally vein, though
Two blood vessels fell in love but alas, it was all in vein.
#57 This pun just coffin me up
How can you tell if a mummy has a cold?
He starts coffin.
#58 Ribbit-ing Plot Twist
The frog went to the hospital to have a hop-eration!
#59 Getting Straight to the Point
Dentists always get to the root of the problem.
#60 Pun entirely intended
What did one leg say to the other leg on Valentines day?
I kneed you.
#61 Guess it wasn’t that infectious
I thought I had a good joke about a contagious disease but I was wrong. It didn’t go viral.
#62 Punchline delivered, courtesy of kung fu flu
What sickness does a martial artist have?
Kung FLU!
#63 Guess this bird’s got a sick sense of humor
Let’s take the bird to the hospital for some tweetment!
#64 Guess owls have their own time lord
Where does an owl get medical treatment from?
Dr. Who.
#65 Vessels of Positivity Only
What did the vein say to the pessimistic blood clot?
“Be positive.”
#66 Surgeons’ Chat: Instant Snooze Mode
Conversations between brain surgeons can be mind-numbing.
#67 Genetics Just Got Comfier
Legs are hereditary. They run in your jeans!
#68 When Your Toe Needs a Tow
If you hurt your foot while driving, call a toe-truck.
#69 Mood swings? Same.
Why did the clown go to the doctors?
Because he was feeling funny.
#70 Budget cuts got literal here
The medical examiners were told to reduce their spending, so they had to cut coroners.
#71 Phone’s got blind spots, apparently.
Why did the cell phone go see an eye doctor?
Because it needed some new contacts.
#72
A brain goes on vacation to a hippo-camp-us!
#73 When Your PC Catches a Cold
The computer sneezed because it had a virus.
#74 Stealth Mode: Activated
Be quiet inside a pharmacy, you might wake the sleeping pills!
#75 Plotting a hotspot takeover
The infectious diseases ward of the hospital has the best wifi because of all of the hotspots.
#76 Vein Happens More Than You Think
Statistically, nine out of ten injections are in vein.
#77 Well Played, Kidney Kid
A kidney’s favorite instrument is the organ.
#78 Something smells off here
I had a gut feeling I had food poisoning.
#79 When Your Pharmacy Trip Turns Into a Plot Twist
A pharmacist gave the wrong prescription, which was a bitter pill to swallow.
#80 That Diagnosis Just Galloped Away
A boy asked a doctor why he felt like a pony, the doctor said it’s because you’re a little hoarse.
#81 Puns That Just Hit Different
Why do shoes go to the doctors?
To be heeled.
#82 Patience Level: Expert
Once, a man visited a hospital where none of the nurses checked on him. Finally, a female nurse came and told him that she was sorry for the delay. The man calmly replied, “It’s fine, I’m patient”.
#83 When your brain goes full meltdown mode
The angry brain lost its nerve!
#84 I’m snorting laughter over here
What do you give a sick pig?
Oink-ment!
#85 Guess it couldn’t handle the plot twist
Why did the book go to the doctor?
Someone broke its spine.
#86 Born to Bone-ify
The doctor knew she was destined to be an osteopath, she could feel it in her bones.
#87 Burns Unit: Where Nostalgia Hits Different
Where is the best place in the hospital to read ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and other old poems?
The Serious Burns Unit.
#88 Plot twist in the OR
He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.
#89 Nose: The OG Sprint Champ
The fastest thing on your face is your nose. It’s always running.
#90 Quack-up at the doctor’s office
Where did the duck go when he felt sick?
To the ducktor.
#91 Everyone’s glow-up starts somewhere
The best dermatologists start their careers from scratch.
#92 I see what you did there
What do you call a medical operation to see inside an ocean?
A biop-sea.
#93 When doctors double as baby whisperers
Have you met the new midwives, Doctor Ova Ree and Doctor D. Livery?
#94 When Your Spine Meets a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you met the new chiropractor, Doctor L. Bow?
#95 Instant Mood Booster
The new doctor is such a happy person, have you met Doctor Phil Goode?
#96 Neurons Doing Time
When neurons commit a crime, they are put in a nerve cell.
#97 They Literally Have Your Back
Why should you trust the surgeons who are repairing your slipped disk?
Because they have your back!
#98 This Rash Is Too Real
A patient came to the ER with a rash. She was really itching to get out of here.
#99 Oops, bird not approved for meds
Why can’t you leave painkillers near a bird cage?
Because the paracetamol.
#100 Dr. Hugh Manatee? That’s a vibe
The new doctor is a real people person, have you met the Dr. Hugh Manatee?
#101 When pigs fly to urgent care
The sick pig went to the hospital in a ham-bulance!
#102 When Saving Lives Feels Like Job Security
A doctor gets mad when it runs out of patients!
#103 Cold as my mood right now
Why did the snowman go to the doctors?
He felt a bit chilly.
#104 The struggle is real
Why did the window go to the doctor?
It had a lot of pane.
#105 Bone Appetit
I hope you find this humerus.
#106 Hungry Heart, Big Appetite
You know, the heart is the hungriest organ. It has the heartiest appetite.
#107 Udderly Unexpected Milk Fans
Which part of your body likes to drink milk?
Your calf!
#108 Well, That Backfired Fast
The bacteria posted a video online hoping, it would go viral.
#109 Guess anatomy wasn’t in the cards
The medical student failed anatomy because she just couldn’t cut it.
#110 Love got literal with this one
I went on a date with a Cardio Nurse and my heart was racing the whole time.
#111 Bone to be mild
It’s going tibia OK!
#112 When Antibiotics Miss the Meme Train
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets, it’s never going viral.
#113 Guess who’s calling in sick?
Why did the doctors appointment with the centipede take so long?
Because he sprained his ankles.
#114 That joke tied me in knots
Why did the rope go to the doctors?
Because it had a knot in its stomach.
#115 The Real MVP of the Hospital
Who is the coolest person in the hospital?
The Ultra Sound guy.
#116 Spicy with a side of sweet
The new doctor is very sweet, have you met Doctor Pepper?
#117 Goodnight, Captain Obvious
Where did the boat go to sleep?
The doc.
#118 Low-key the cheesiest pickup line
What did one shin say to another on Valentines day?
I want tibia with you.
#119 Slow and steady gets the drip
A snail went to the hospital when it felt sick. The nurse gave the dehydrated, poor animal a snailine solution.
#120 Kidney jokes that never get old
The kidney said to the other, “Urine my thoughts!”
#121 Well, that’s a problem
“This surgical knife isn’t sharp,” the doctor said bluntly.
#122 Purrfectly Punny Moment
When the cat was sick it wasn’t feline well!
#123 Who Knew LEGO Had a Facelift Biz?
The most common operation in a hospital made out of LEGO is plastic surgery!
#124 Guess this fish knows its stuff
What do you call a fish with a medical degree?
A Sturgeon.
#125 Not Your Average Doctor’s Visit
What did the doctor give the sick snake?
Asp-irin!
#126 Mood: Rude but Relatable
I have a patient who is very rude. He’s ill-mannered.
#127 This Joke Fluffed Me Up
Why did the pillow go to the doctors?
They felt a bit stuffy.
#128 When the doc’s out, the leg man’s in
Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?
The hip replacement guy.
#129 Rocket science meets doctor vibes
How do doctors help rockets?
They give the rockets their booster shots.
#130 Surgeons’ Humor: Surgical Levels Achieved
Two surgeons were joking so much they had each other in stitches!
#131 Left thumb’s got the juice too
Before surgery, the nurse put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left. She said, “Wow! How can you do that?” I said: “I’m ambi-textrous.”
#132 Plot twist: bladder edition
Urine: the opposite of ‘you’re out.’
#133 Now that’s some ironic allergy vibes
The beekeeper went to the doctor because she had hives.
#134 Bet you didn’t see that cure coming
Where do ghosts go when they’re sick?
To the witch doctor!
#135 Lowkey the best medical pun of 2024
What do you call an alligator’s nurse?
Gator-aid.
#136 Peeling Not So Great Today
The banana went to the hospital because it was not peeling well.
#137 Eye exams but make it playlist-ready
What music do eye doctors prefer?
iTunes.
#138 Doctor’s orders: peel better
What did the doctor say to the sick apple?
We’ll get to the core of this.
#139 Waiting on bones to check in
At night, you have to wait ages for an X-ray because there’s only skeleton staff working.
#140 Plot twist: nurse steals the show
The nurse badly wanted to pursue her career as a stand-up comedian. In one of the comedy shows, she literally left everyone in the stitches!
#141 No way, kidney what?
Are you kidney-ing me?
#142 God of puns strikes again
What was Zeus’ specialty in medical school?
Surge-ery
#143 Neigh, That’s Punny
Where do horses go when they’re sick?
The horsepital.
#144 Give Me Drama, Not Dumb Laughs
I’m looking for a good medical programme to watch, but I don’t want no Scrubs.
#145 Living That Tube Life
Names are often weird and hilarious. My sister’s best friend is a nurse, and one of her sole jobs is inserting tubes in patients. Her name is Catherine!
#146 Anatomy Lessons for Fools
If you’re not laughing maybe you need to learn the anatomy of the joke.
#147 This Pun Baked Me Smile
The cookie went to the hospital because it was feeling crummy!
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