#1
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
#2
Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century?
Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
#3
I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.
Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
#4
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
#5
Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren’t listening the first time.
#6
Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43.
Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.
#7
How do you get Americans to join a World War?
Tell them it’s nearly finished.
#8
Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.
#9
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
#10
On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.
Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.
#11
Russian history in 5 words: “And then things got worse.”
#12
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
#13
Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history’s greatest scientific genius.
Because I’m not dead.
#14
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”
#15
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
#16
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
#17
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.
#18
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance.
#19
A history degree is useless.
Because there’s no future in it.
#20
The floor is lava!
Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.
#21
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
But two Wrights did make an airplane!
#22
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name!
#23
What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a parking lot?
“Over my dead body”
#24
Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age…
Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves…
#25
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, “You’ll only lose it.”
#26
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
#27
It’s amazing that the ancient Greek sculptors made statues without arms.
I mean, how did they hold the tools?
#28
In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts…
…and in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
#29
Before the Bronze Age…
People who came in third place were just called losers.
#30
What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?
The Maskedonians.
#31
Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen has reigned there for years!
#32
What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?
John Wilkes Booth.
#33
How do you get rich in Ancient Greece?
Well, step one, become an oracle.
Step two:
Prophet.
#34
To the many that have been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings… My heart goes out to you.
#35
Haegel, Nietzsche and Aristotle walk into a bar…
Why?
#36
No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.
I mean, there were red flags everywhere.
#37
What’s the most popular kids’ movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
#38
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty.
#39
Why didn’t Isaac Newton dodge the apple?
He didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
#40
What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
I don’t know, I wasn’t invited!
#41
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laughayette.
#42
What do French recruits learn in basic training?
How to surrender in 17 different languages.
#43
Why did Captain Cook sail to Australia?
It was too far to swim.
#44
I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person, all this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
#45
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom!
#46
Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
#47
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hissssstory.
#48
What did the terminator say when he accidentally got sent back in time to the renaissance?
I’ll be Bach.
#49
A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is…
These days, if someone owns a sword, it’s a pretty safe bet you can kick their bum.
#50
What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?
Napoleon Bone-Apart!
#51
How do you contact the Roman Empire?
Pick up a phone and column.
#52
What did King George think of the American colonies?
He thought they were revolting.
#53
What was Camelot famous for?
It’s knight life.
#54
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His family and Friends.
#55
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
#56
Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn’t lie.
#57
Where did Montezuma go to college?
Az Tech.
#58
Why didn’t the crusades happen overseas?
Because you can’t sail a holey ship.
#59
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
#60
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked.
#61
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
#62
Why aren’t you doing well in history?
Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!
#63
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
#64
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
#65
Who was the biggest thief in history?
Atlas. He held up the whole world.
#66
I started studying art history.
I’m really learning a lot. This painter named ‘Renaissance’ is just amazing.
#67
Which Pharoah played the trumpet?
Tooting-khamun!
#68
How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?
3 Galleons.
#69
Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?
No, but Genghis Khan!
#70
Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?
Because he didn’t have much Toulouse.
#71
What did the Greeks say after Constantinople was taken by the Turks?
What a load of Istanbull.
#72
After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.
Unfortunately, Iran was already taken.
#73
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code!
#74
What did Mason say to Dixon?
We’ve got to draw the line here!
#75
Why is history like a fruit cake?
It’s full of dates.
#76
How are the first Americans like ants?
They both live in colonies.
#77
What’s an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
#78
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can’t sit down.
#79
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!
I want to go say hi but there’s just so much history between us.
#80
What do you call a businessman who lives within the Byzantine Empire?
A Byz-nessman.
#81
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
#82
Why did the Cold War end?
Global warming started.
#83
How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
Baroque.
#84
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up too!
#85
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!
#86
What did Americans do because of the Stamp Act?
They licked the British.
#87
Where do young Vikings hang out?
In the Norsery!
#88
What was the fruit that launched a thousand ships?
Melon of Troy.
#89
My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.
The teachers tended to Babylon.
#90
A joke that only 1300’s kids would get.
The Bubonic plague.
#91
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!
#92
What was the most popular band in prehistoric times?
Stone Age Temple Pilots.
#93
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
#94
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
#95
Do you guys like Civil War jokes?
Because General-Lee I don’t find them funny.
#96
Why was WWI so quick?
Because they were Russian.
#97
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
#98
Why was the pharaoh boastful?
Because he sphinx he’s the best!
#99
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
#100
Where would you find Hadrian’s Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
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