After people learn that they’ve been cheated on, they are typically in a daze. Stunned, angry, sad, and struggling to process and accept what has happened.
So it’s no surprise that when a man who goes on Reddit by the nickname AdviceThrowAwayinny discovered that his girlfriend of seven years had been sleeping with someone else, his thoughts and emotions went on a rocky rollercoaster ride.
Eventually, he decided to kick her out. But the woman and both of their parents started telling him that he was making a mistake. So he made a post on the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?’ asking its members for advice.
This guy just discovered that his girlfriend of 7 years had been cheating on him
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
So he kicked her out of their home
Their parents started telling him that he’s making a mistake and that he needs to take her back
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
When he met his ex, she told him that she’s pregnant
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Eventually, he came up with a plan on how to move forward
Image credits: u/advicethrowawayinny
It’s difficult to understand why the woman cheated
Image credits: Womanizer Toys (not the actual photo)
According to Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., who is a relationship expert, radio host, and Professor of Psychology at California State University, San Bernardino, there are a myriad of reasons people cheat, but they usually fall into three categories: individual, relationship, and situational.
“The phrase ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ refers to individual reasons for cheating—qualities about the person that make him or her more prone to commit infidelity,” she writes. Aspects like personality traits, religious and political orientations, and gender might play a part here.
Those who cheat for relationship reasons do so because they aren’t satisfied. “Researchers find that partnerships characterized by dissatisfaction, unfulfilling sex, and high conflict are at higher risk for infidelity,” she says. “Also, the more dissimilar partners are—in terms of personality, education level, and other factors—the more likely they are to experience infidelity.”
Finally, there are situational reasons. This refers to people who don’t have a personality prone to cheating, but “something about their environment puts them at risk for infidelity.” In these cases, seemingly simple things like changing jobs or moving to another city might push them into behavior they normally wouldn’t even think of.
Judging from the post alone, it’s difficult to say which of the categories the woman’s affair falls into, however, it’s clear that it might be possible that it was a one-time thing.
As much as the woman and the (ex) couple’s parents want them to get back together, the decision is for the guy to make
Image credits: Jesús Rodríguez (not the actual photo)
So what should the man do? Does he stay and try to mend the relationship, or does he walk away from it?
As with so many things in life, it depends. However, before making a definitive decision, Campbell thinks that people in these situations should ask their (ex) partners to share why they did it to learn their side of the story. Is this really about them?
Ultimately, you need to ask yourself if you can forgive and trust them again.
As sexologist Rob Weiss, Ph.D., says, “Damaged relationships don’t heal overnight. Moreover, damaged relationships don’t heal simply because one party wants them to.”
You can ask yourself questions, like: Has the cheating stopped? Have the lies and secrets stopped? Generally speaking, are there more positive than negatives to the relationship? Is the cheating partner ever going to be able to restore relationship trust?
There is no set formula for how to go about this but such questions can provide clarity.
Regardless of what other people say, Weiss, who is the chief clinical officer of Seeking Integrity, LLC, and author of Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, thinks your greatest concern should be yourself. So if the Redditor believes that the relationship is over, then perhaps it is. But then again, would he have made this post if there was really, really no doubt in his mind?
Most of the people who read his story said that the man didn’t do anything wrong
But some thought that everyone involved could’ve handled things better
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