Not all of us have been blessed with superb humor or wit as sharp as a whip. Most of us feel caught off-guard when there’s a necessity to deliver a funny reconnaissance in a conversation or brighten up the mood. So much so that you might find yourself in very awkward situations, lacking not only funny things to say but things to say at all! Luckily, this pain is shared among many, and plenty of options exist to get out of such a pickle. One of them is to read this list where we’ve rounded up all the funny expressions. Learn them by heart and use them as a safety net if needed.
You might even use these funny sayings as conversation starters, but be sure to read the room carefully before you do. They might work the best with the people you already know, but those who don’t take risks don’t drink champagne. Or don’t find themselves in a socially awkward situations.
So, dust off your notebook and search for a pen (one that you most likely got for being a loyal customer of your local Chinese joint) to jot down these hilarious, funny random things to say in a conversation. Give the conversion topic you liked the most your vote, and share this article with anyone you’d like!
#1
Auto-correct should have been named more precisely as auto-assume.
#2
After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
#3
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. But a warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
#4
Why aren’t shorts half the price of pants?
#5
Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
#6
I clean my house almost every day. I almost cleaned on Monday, almost cleaned it on Tuesday, almost cleaned it on Wednesday…
#7
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
#8
Time is the best teacher of all. Too bad it kills all its students.
#9
LOL has gone from meaning “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”
#10
Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
#11
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
#12
If you’re the kind of person that has no good luck, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel… run, because the train is coming.
#13
Don’t worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!
#14
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
#15
A birth certificate could easily be called a baby receipt.
#16
9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just playing drums.
#17
My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.
#18
If you put one lasagna on top of another one, you still have just one lasagna.
#19
There is too much emphasis on the early bird’s good luck and not enough on the early worm’s bad luck.
#20
If you think no one cares whether you’re alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.
#21
If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I’d give an amazing speech at your funeral.
#22
Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.
#23
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
#24
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s just impossible to put down.
#25
Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.
#26
It’s difficult to do nothing because you never know when you’re done.
#27
Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.
#28
Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
#29
The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… farming must be a big thing in hell.
#30
If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.
#31
A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.
#32
I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.
#33
I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
#34
I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.
#35
The secret for a good relationship is not having one.
#36
Isn’t it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?
#37
Love must truly be blind because it can’t see me at all.
#38
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
#39
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one abandoned me, but the second did not.
#40
Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
#41
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
#42
Bullets are the only things on Earth that do their job after they’ve been fired.
#43
Whisper audibly to yourself while someone recalls an experience, “Just like in my dream!”
#44
Dear math: please, be a grown up and solve your problems by yourself.
#45
Whiteboards really are remarkable.
#46
Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?
#47
I’ve always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.
#48
I wonder how much money the phrase “Keep the change” cost me so far.
#49
Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
#50
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
#51
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
#52
I don’t really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
#53
Why are apartments called apartments when they are all stuck together?
#54
An apple a day keeps the doctor away… if you throw it hard enough!
#55
I don’t understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.
#56
Try calling someone just to tell them you can’t talk right now.
#57
If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
#58
I was looking for the good side of life but concluded that life is a sphere.
#59
The goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.
#60
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur.
#61
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.
#62
My friendship is not for sale, but we can talk about a short-term rental.
#63
The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.
#64
Dogs can’t see inside your body, but CAT scan.
#65
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?
#66
The first five days of the week are the toughest.
#67
People don’t notice my superpower, making myself invisible.
#68
A balanced diet simply means having a pizza slice in each hand.
#69
Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.
#70
You’re in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.
#71
Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you’re not supposed to eat at night?
#72
If I won the prize of laziest person, I’d ask somebody to go get it for me.
#73
There’s only one thing that is worse than waking up early: a holiday on a Sunday.
#74
Tell a friend, “I had a dream about you last night. You did terrible things.”
#75
Always remember that you’re unique… just like everyone else is.
#76
I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.
#77
It is impossible to dig half of a hole.
#78
I had a sweet side, but I ate it.
#79
If nothing is impossible, then I’ve been doing the impossible for years.
#80
My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.
#81
A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
#82
How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?
#83
Whoever said you can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop!
#84
The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.
#85
I am not as think as you confused I am really!
#86
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
#87
What if every country has its own ninjas but we only know about the Japanese ninjas because they are the worst?
#88
Kids believe in fairy tales. I’ve moved on to soap operas and political speeches.
#89
I took the road less traveled by. Thanks a lot, Google Maps!
#90
Every person should marry an archeologist, because the older person gets, the more they’ll love them.
#91
Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?
#92
If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.
#93
I love that our easygoing friendship fits perfectly with my laziness.
#94
If you lose a shoe, you’ve practically lost yourself two shoes.
#95
Money is not everything. Don’t forget the gold, the diamonds, and property.
#96
Giving up is for weak people. Be like me, don’t even try.
#97
In response to any suggestion, “But at what cost?”
#98
A bed is basically a shelf for the body.
#99
Gossipy? I’m just an historian of other people’s lives!
#100
I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave someone, I keep their house.
#101
I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.
#102
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once.
#103
A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation.
#104
I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen.
#105
I’ll have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers.
#106
My hair hurts.
#107
Don’t beat yourself up. A new beginning is only a new chance for failure.
#108
If hamburger meat makes a meatloaf, then laziness will make me-a-loaf.
#109
I am going to get my toe nail-pierced this Friday.
#110
I tried rearranging the alphabet, but for some reason, the letters U and I would never separate.
#111
What is the soul good for if laughter is good for the soul?
#112
If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I’d end up looking about as ugly as I am.
#113
I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.
#114
Every single thing in this world is either a motorbike or not a motorbike.
#115
Laziness is the mother of all vices, and as a mother, she deserves to be respected.
#116
Please don’t eat that in my presence. I get sympathy gas.
#117
I’m so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.
#118
Except for a parking meter, change is inevitable.
#119
If someone gets plastered just where do you find the plaster?
#120
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
#121
Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts?
#122
Those who sneezes are the most blessed.
#123
Is a heart attack the same as an attack of the heart?
#124
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s exactly what you are looking for, go live with a car battery.
#125
Why aren’t coffees served on a coffee table?
#126
How can you scoot along if you don’t have a scooter?
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