Men, at least in the US, are contributing to household chores more than ever. While that is a good step towards gender equality, women are still shouldering the majority of household activities. This not only costs them $6.4K every year in unpaid labor but can also have negative effects on their mental and physical health, relationship satisfaction, and career.
For a while, this couple did well splitting chores 50/50. That is, until the boyfriend got a pay increase. Then he quietly boycotted his share of housework, which the girlfriend didn’t like, so she dumped him in the blink of an eye.
Men are contributing to housework more, but still not as much as women
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That said, this couple split chores pretty much equally—that is, until the BF got a raise and started boycotting
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We owe women around $3.6 trillion a year in unpaid labor
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While men are contributing to housework more than ever and even feel confident that they’re doing their fair share of chores, statistics show that women are still spending twice as much of their time doing chores, whether that’s cooking, cleaning, or doing yard work.
For women, this also often results in more work when having a male partner. A study by the Gender Equity Policy Institute found that married women do more housework than single women, while the amount of work for single and married men remains the same. Such a phenomenon could be explained by employment status, as the person earning more usually does less around the house. But even when women are the main breadwinners in their households, they still devote more time to domestic activities.
In fact, it’s been estimated that we owe women around $3.6 trillion a year in unpaid labor. But the cost of an unfair share of chores doesn’t only have materialistic effects. Those women who have a bigger share of chores report higher levels of depression, stress, relationship dissatisfaction, and burnout. This pulls them away from other priorities like career, well-being, and relationships.
So we can clearly see that the majority of men are falling behind on housework. But why is that?
Well, many have attempted to find the reason for it. Some say that men don’t see mess the same way that women do, but others argue that that’s very far from the truth. Another theory, which might be the most likely explanation, is that social expectations for men and women are different. Men are often less frowned upon for not keeping their spaces neat and tidy, while women are severely penalized for it. As a result, males aren’t as concerned with doing housework as women are.
Toxic masculinity also doesn’t help the case here, as it seems to convince men to do fewer chores than they should. Interestingly enough, a study has found that men especially avoid housework when they earn less money than their wives do.
“Fighting about housework is never fighting about housework”
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As you could’ve probably guessed, such an unfair share of housework becomes very clear in relationships, which often has a negative effect on them. Luckily, couples can take some steps to avoid their dirty dishes ruining their relationship.
Therapists first recommend recognizing that arguments about chores aren’t only about housework itself. “First, it is important to recognize that fighting about housework is never fighting about housework,” says Dr. Heather Z. Lyons, a licensed psychologist and couples counselor. “Through housework we communicate levels of importance in the relationship, we show our partners that we recognize them, uphold or challenge gender roles and connect.”
When a couple realizes that their quarrels about housework are more than that, then they can start a conversation to communicate their feelings and what triggers them.
“To begin to understand each other’s perspective, first recognize that you each have different thoughts on the matter and seek to understand your partner’s point of view,” says says Dr. Sharone Weltfreid, a licensed clinical psychologist. “Keep in mind that the way you broach the topic will impact the course of the conversation, [so approach it] with calm, care and openness. This is not about being right or winning an argument.”
Once both partners’ feelings are addressed, they should work on figuring out how to break the pattern of unfairly split chores.
“[Explain] that you want to work together to arrive at a plan for how chores will get done that works for you both,” says Weltfreid. In case it’s hard for the couple to get on the same page, Weltfreid urges them to clarify any misunderstandings.
From a more practical perspective, Sasha Mogensen, a professional organizer, recommends couples develop a housekeeping routine together to avoid any unwelcome arguments.
“I suggest that the couple sit down and create a chore chart and list the most important chores that need to be done each day or week,” says Mogensen. “Assign a day (and even a time) that this chore will be done; for example, the bathroom is cleaned on Saturday mornings or the dishwasher is loaded before bed each night. Display the chart somewhere [you] can both see it and check off the chores as they get done.”
Try to make it fun by having rewards for yourself after achieving them, something that can be done together. And don’t forget—teamwork makes the dream work, so tackle those boring chores as a team, and don’t let them get in between you!
The woman provided more information in the comments
Others jumped in, sharing similar experiences
Overall, commenters were proud of the girlfriend for ending things
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