We’ve all had moments in our lives where we just needed that perfect comeback to make everyone laugh or put someone in their place. Unfortunately, the best insults seem to come to us while we’re showering or right before going to bed. But what if we could have said the thing that was on the tip of our tongue, that would have saved our reputation at that moment?
Well, fret not, cause we’re here to help pad out your arsenal with the best insults from this viral Askreddit community thread!
More info: Reddit
#1
Some guy on Reddit says he had fornicated with OPs mother. OP replies “Im happy to know that Im no longer her biggest disappointment”. I haven’t heard any insult that epic before or since.
Image source: Ryno5150, Stefan Stefancik
#2
A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her.
“You have more d**k in your personality than you do in your pants”
Image source: DanteBMerkley, ELEVATE
#3
When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical “your mom” response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died. Without missing a beat, the teacher said “leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
Image source: HopeDeferred, Max Fischer
#4
16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.
Image source: Theromented1, IMP Awards
#5
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
Image source: robbycakes, Arthur Krijgsman
#6
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
Image source: Trick-Reveal-463, August de Richelieu
#7
Bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line, bouncer quips “ Can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.”
Image source: preferablyoutside, Erik Mclean
#8
Winston Churchill supposedly in response to being called drunk during a debate: “I may be drunk but tomorrow I shall be sober. You, however, madam, shall always be ugly”.
Image source: studude765, wikipedia
#9
I was at a pool in Vegas and wearing a straw cowboy hat with my shirt open. One friend said “damn, how can you not get laid with that outfit today”
Other friend said “don’t worry, he’ll show us.”
Image source: randomvegasposts, Brett Sayles
#10
Was playing Pavlov(vr game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like “You’re bad because you’re adopted” and such like that. He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like “I’d return the insult, but that’d imply someone wanted you”
Had the whole lobby erupting. IDK if it’s taken from somewhere or what.
Image source: ClaireBear13492, Eugene Capon
#11
My favorite of all time was from roast me. Guy was wearing a checkered shirt and the line was:
“Thanks for wearing graph paper so we can calculate the exact waste of space”
Image source: LNinefingers, Andrea Piacquadio
#12
I’d challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed.
Image source: therome_88, Mimi Thian
#13
“it’s because of people like you, that they still print instructions on shampoo bottles”.
Loved that.
Image source: The_TravellerJ, Polina Tankilevitch
#14
You’ve got a face for radio, and a voice for writing.
Image source: mike_e_mcgee, Eric Nopanen
#15
Best one I’ve heard recently was someone who commented on a shirtless picture of a guy and called him Tragic Mike.
Image source: BoredBSEE, KAL VISUALS
#16
”I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.”
Image source: scottcree486, Caleb Oquendo
#17
When I was 16, I accidentally cut a woman off and she screamed out her car window at me “Who did you f**k to get your license!?!?” I laughed so hard. It really stuck with me.
Image source: notade50, Jaromír Kavan
#18
You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.
You’ve got two brain cells, and they’re both fighting for third place.
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you to breathe. You should go apologize to it.
At my funeral, I want my coworkers to be my pallbearers and lower my casket into my grave, so they can all let me down one last time.
And my personal favorite, from an episode of *Frasier* :
>Roger, at Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful, that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now—I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
Image source: FlashpointJ24, Toa Heftiba
#19
When your mom dropped you off at school this morning she got fined because they thought she was littering.
Image source: NucularOrchid, Mary Taylor
#20
I was at a hot girl bar with some of my coworkers a few years ago having drinks after work. All the girls were 10/10’s and our waitress had super blonde almost silver hair that looked really nice. One of my coworkers got a little too drunk and started hitting on her, which she handled well. She was probably used to it. He pulls her aside and loudly in front of all of us shouts at her “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “F**k me blonde””. Without missing a beat she replies “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “A*****e brown”” and walked away. We all died laughing and tipped her very well. He was cut off after that needless to say. I still think about this 6 years later 😂
Image source: Silver_Eyes13, cottonbro studio
#21
Your mama is so slow, it took her 9 months to come up with a joke.
Image source: BroNizzle
#22
If you were a spice, you’d be flour.
Image source: UncleSquach, Kaboompics .com
#23
I hope you have the day you deserve.
Image source: Adcro, Cristina Gottardi
#24
Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds.
Image source: TheRoamingWeeb, Shakeb Tawheed
#25
“I envy the people who’ve *never* met you.”
Image source: Back2Bach, https://unsplash.com/photos/mG-HdjYiPtE?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink
#26
They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes
Image source: thepiecesaremoving, cottonbro studio
#27
My husband was going out with his friends in their 20’s. One of them came downstairs wearing a sweater and chuck tailors with khakis and his roommate goes “what’s up, Ellen.”
Image source: NoKarensPlz, ronpaulrevolt2008
#28
“You’re not pretty enough to be this dumb”
#29
Best I ever heard was “you look like somebody set you on fire and put you out with a chain”.
Image source: CommissionerOfLunacy, Mohamed Nohassi
#30
“God just be making anybody.”
Image source: TreeLovTequiLove, Cherry Laithang
#31
I always thought the Robert Downey^2 vs Val Kilmer was hilarious.
“Look in the dictionary under the definition of idiot, know what you’ll find?”
“Uh, a picture of me?”
“No, you’ll find the definition of idiot, which you *f*****g* are!”
Or also literally anything that comes out of peter capaldi’s mouth in “in the loop”
Image source: ligmaass420, Aaron Burden
#32
You eat corn the long way.
Image source: KingGuy420, Wouter Supardi Salari
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