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So, I (f51) and hubby (m64) have been together for 9 years, married for 5. Things have been good, normal, boring at times even. My bone of contention comes down to where we find ourselves today.
So we met in a pub. Hubby is a regular. It was how he was when we met in 2016, so nothing new. He could drink for sure. Now, though, he has 3 pints but goes most days straight from work.
On 17/12/24 my dad passed away suddenly. We both had time off over that Christmas, but he disappeared to the pub. We had no Christmas dinner, nothing. I sat alone as my kids are adults. I did not feel able to be around people being jolly.
Fast forward to Christmas 2025, he goes down the pub again, comes back at 4pm, and goes to bed
Image credits: Sateesh Reddy Patlolla (not the actual photo)
This is the story of our daily life: work, pub on his way home, doesn’t want his tea because his belly is full of lager, then he goes to bed. Sleep, rinse, repeat. Saturday = pub, early night sleep. Sunday = pub. You get the picture.
I spend every day sat at home. I work 2pm to 10pm, 4 days a week. My kids, whilst adults, are both autistic, and my youngest has complex medical needs, so joining him is not an option. We got together 2 years before she nearly passed away, so he knows and understands her medical needs. We’ve nearly lost her numerous times since 2018, when she faced the possibility of passing away for the first time.
He has never asked how I’m feeling in relation to losing my dad
Image credits: Nina Hill (not the actual photo)
He nly moaned about how much I’ve done to support my elderly stepmum navigate life and finances after over 35 years of him doing everything for her.
He has a daughter 2 years younger than my daughter. She has caused so many problems financially and mentally as she navigated her teenage years: rebelling, fighting her mum and stepdad, lying, stealing over 9k from us, drugs, etc. I have supported her through all of this, stuck by him funding her drug habit, hiding it from me, going against my views on abortion to support her when her mum and dad refused to help. Not letting those issues break us, despite me dealing with my own kids’ issues. We were a family of 5, not 3 and 2. She is as much my daughter as my own, and according to him, mine are his. The last few years have been easier with her.
I’m disabled myself, so need to rest, and I’m on the spectrum, so do struggle to read relationships and be in crowded places. He knew all of this
Image credits: Sven Mieke (not the actual photo)
I get the empty apologies, the promise to change, it’s going to be different this time, he doesn’t want to lose us, etc. I am just emotionally done. We don’t talk. We don’t even argue, because we barely speak enough to fall out. We stopped being intimate ages ago, as I’ve been through menopause and grief, so it’s not the most important thing on my mind. We are emotionally detached. He swears he’s not cheating, and I do trust him. Our town is rife with gossiping, so I would be told within a heartbeat.
I have told him how I feel, how I’m emotionally done. I cannot continue to be second to the pub. I have an appointment with a solicitor this week. I guess I just need to know, AIBU here? Should I just put up and shut up, or is this the end at 51? Is this all I’m worth?
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