Sometimes in life, it’s the thought that counts. But other times, particularly when picking out a gift for your partner of 5 years or when listening to your girlfriend vent about sexism at work, it’s probably best to have more than just that one obligatory thought.
According to women on Reddit, men often do things intending to be helpful that are actually perceived as inconsiderate, so below, you’ll find some of these behaviors women are begging them to stop doing. Be sure to upvote the replies you resonate with, and keep reading to find conversations we were lucky enough to have with dating and relationships coach Rachel New and relationship coach and marriage mentor Katariina Räike.
#1
I’m sure the guys who come here, asking questions like this trying to understand women, are attempting to be thoughtful. The thing is, any attempt to figure out what we like as a group is doomed to failure. There are roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet, and any group that size will have different opinions on lots of things. Being thoughtful is about paying attention to the individual not making assumptions based on what some people on the internet said.
Image source: peppermind, Josh Willink
#2
When my husband cleans the kitchen its like he thinks he did me a favour and then expects a thank you. Its not just my kitchen, im not thanking you for something you should do more often…
Image source: pashaah, RDNE Stock project
#3
When men refuse to go through a door I’ve opened for them, grabbing the door over my head, and insisting I go through first. Bruh, I’m just trying to be nice, I’m not challenging your masculinity.
I know they think they’re being chivalrous and kind… but it comes off misogynistic. You simply can’t bear the thought of a woman holding the door for you?
Image source: anon, cottonbro studio
#4
“let’s just do everything your way. You can decide. I have no opinion”
Sir this is your date/wedding/house/kids as much as mine. It doesn’t come across as thoughtful, it comes across as you not giving a s**t.
Image source: redmeownkey, Ketut Subiyanto
#5
It’s really really annoying when guys insist on doing something nice when I tell them no. More than once I’ve had to straight up argue with guys who insisted on being “gentlemen”. It’s not even a romantic angle thing, it’s just an incredibly patronizing “I know what’s best for you” thing.
Image source: anon, cottonbro studio
#6
Guys often do what *they* think is a nice thing without actually considering what the other person would perceive as a nice thing.
For example, buying me flowers when I’m pissed off that they were disrespectfully late for a date and haven’t been answering texts regularly. You could just… promise to not do those things anymore and then legitimately never do them anymore. I’d prefer that over flowers.
Image source: celestialism, Cam Morin
#7
Mansplaining. Do things for me when I have indicated I prefer to do them myself. Thinking that the response they would want to something is the one I would want, without actually asking me or listening.
Image source: EnvironmentalLuck515, Mikael Blomkvist
#8
Make big grand gestures because they think that what girls want (thanks movies and social media), ignoring the fact that you’re a very low key person who hates attention.
Image source: ohhownowpurplecow, Radu Florin
#9
Kinda specific but if a guy tries to get pass me and puts his hand on my lower back. I get that he might have good intentions and doesn’t want to bump into me but having a stranger make any form of physical contact instantly makes me feel like I’m in danger
Image source: overdressed_raccoon, YuriArcursPeopleimages
#10
My motorcycle stalled and wouldn’t start again. I was pushing it down the street back to my house when this guy saw me and insisted that I needed help. He pushed my bike a total of ten feet before he dropped it, picked it up and dropped it again, then started complaining that it was too heavy. Thanks to his “help” my poor bike got all scratched and dented. Funny I was doing fine on my own without him?
Image source: 5leeplessinvancouver, Ekaterina Belinskaya
#11
Say things like “there are men who actually love [thing you’re insecure about]. I for one actually love [thing you’re insecure about]” when you open up about your insecurities. It’s not about whether men like something or not. Whether I love my own body shouldn’t be determined whether there are men out there who find it attractive. You could have a 100 men compliment the thing you’re insecure about and still hate it by the end.
Image source: eggofreddo, Dani Mota
#12
Offering to do something to help around the house but then half as*ing it. I’d have rather honestly just done it by myself than have to get frustrated and finish it
Image source: candy211010
#13
I’ve had several men insist on helping me lift something they think is too heavy for me while I’m at work. I have to explain that I was hired to do a demanding job and I need to be physically capable of doing it, and their attempt to “help” me is actually hurting my image.
Image source: SheWhoWelds, Blue Bird
#14
When I am upset that they said/did something they knew I would be annoyed about, and then want to give me a hug or kiss to make me feel better. Dude, it’s you who wants the hug or kiss to feel better, not me.
Image source: kirowyns
#15
Thinking that I need practical advice when I’m just trying to vent. Focusing on problem solving instead of listening.
Image source: sad-and-bougie, cottonbro studio
#16
My rage soars when I get the: “what can I do to make it up to you, now?” question. After I’ve explained that I’m mad they did this disrespectful thing. And what they mean is ‘is there a gift I can buy you to fix this so that I don’t have to change my actions’
Image source: QueenOfTheTermites, cottonbro studio
#17
This whole, ‘oh if I see another guy harassing you I’m gonna beat his a*s’. Unless I specifically ask you to do that (which I won’t because that’s stupid) you’re just going to make the situation worse, get hurt and make it about your heroism (or pain when you likely get battered)
There are ways to help in those situations without making it more dangerous for everyone involved
Image source: paieggs, Keira Burton
#18
Unsolicited advice on ways for me to get fit and/or live healthier, particularly if they’re my partner (they think they’re being supportive but what I hear is “you’re fat”)
Image source: Magnificent_Ninja1, Julia Larson
#19
Thinking sex cures everything.
Image source: EnvironmentalLuck515, Ron Lach
#20
Trying to be supportive or validating by saying things like, “You’re feeling [type of way] right now” or “I know you’re thinking [thoughts]” that are not at all how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking.
Instead of being thoughtful, it comes off as assuming they know me better than I know myself or shows that they’ve totally misinterpreted my thoughts and feelings and just assume things about me that aren’t true.
It’s infuriating and actually *highly* invalidating.
Image source: MosadiMogolo, RDNE Stock project
#21
Doing things for me instead of teaching me how to do it. I want to learn; I don’t want it handed to me.
Image source: SpearmintSpaceship, Gustavo Fring
#22
When traveling alone on a plane, I’ve had men ask if I need help lifting my bag into the overhead bin. I say no, but they grab my bag and do it anyway. It’s so rude and patronizing. I am more than capable of lifting my own bag or asking for help if I need it.
Image source: crudette, Chris Brignola
#23
Surprises. For some it might be the pinnacle of thoughfulness, but for me it’s stressful. I’ve been told off before for making plans on a night he planned us a romantic dinner at home. Dude you can’t be mad at me for dissing an event (on a random night for no reason) that you didn’t tell me about.
Image source: ShylieF, Kampus Production
#24
When I’m sick and they INSIST “okay, I’m coming over; what can I bring?” Why would you come and get sick when I’m sick? I get that it’s sweet and a great gesture, but if I’m sick, I’m not in the mood to entertain, have sex, or talk much. Just telling you I’m sick so you know why I’m not texting a lot 😂
Image source: Chuck2025, Shane
#25
Buying generic gifts. For example, one birthday my then boyfriend of years bought me a silver pendant necklace that looked like whatever you usually see in a Jared commercial. I don’t wear jewelry often and when I do it’s gold and isn’t that style at all. So while the gesture of the gift is appreciated, it also says you could not take the time to figure out what I like, and just went with what product marketing decided women want.
Image source: shrimpfajita, Karolina Grabowska
#26
This is very me specific, but I hate being the first person walking into someplace new. It’s an anxiety thing I suppose. My partner however, always wants to open the door for me, which is sweet but results in me…walking in first.
Image source: afoolishfish, Lalitphat Phunchuang
#27
Letting me on the elevator first if it’s just the two of us and we’re strangers. I’m going to need you in my sight the whole time thankyouverymuch.
Image source: MostlyALurkerBefore, Liliana Drew
#28
Most compliments on my physical appearance, annoy me.
I know that most women are insecure but, I’m not and idc if you desire me sexually.
I know I look good. Try and give a meaningful compliment.
Image source: downvote_and_fuckoff, Andrea Piacquadio
#29
Assume things, my partner will sometimes just assume I’m going to say no, therefore doesn’t tell me or ask me, and when I confront him about it, he just says “I was going to ask that but i didn’t think you would want to”
Image source: Theluckyone2, RDNE Stock project
#30
I always split the check on first dates and I hate that I have to argue with them! It’s thoughtful that you’d want to pay for me but I’d prefer to pay for myself. Usually they’ll settle with me buying drinks and they’ll buy food but it’s frustrating and looks weird in restaurants.
Image source: Okay_Face
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