Comedy fans know that you can deliver a punchline in different ways. You can tell it as a story to keep listeners entertained, or you can cut the fat and get straight to the point.
Neither approach is wrong, but today we’re focusing on the latter. The following posts are from the Two Sentence Comedy subreddit, where people skip the preamble and get straight to the point.
If you enjoy punchy, quick-witted comedy, you will likely enjoy scrolling through this list. You may even want to steal one or two to use as an icebreaker.
#1
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.”
“Why can’t you just say good morning to me like a normal person, Dad?”
Image source: Outside_Normal, SkelDry
#2
Yesterday I purchased a world map… gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday.”
Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Image source: Immediate_Flight2023, gpointstudio
#3
Since I went blind a few years ago, random people love to walk up to my sighted friends while they’re guiding me and whisper, “is she blind?’’
I like to whisper back, in a very serious manner, “no… I’m deaf.’’.
Image source: Marandajo93, magnific
#4
When my wife is upset I always let her color in my black and white tattoos
Sometimes she really needs a shoulder to crayon.
Image source: Castiel_D37, magnific
#5
My girlfriend just said, “If you don’t get off Reddit and spend some time with me I’ll drag your face across the darn keyboard.”
I wish the woman would tryyy qawssrr ffyghuujk kkjxgv bjfv byyvng hhfvb brhbf gjiikbn mnm.
Image source: two_sentence_critic, DC Studio
#6
I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the company I worked for not only supported my transition from male to female, but they actually encouraged it.
It wasn’t until after that I learned it allowed them to reduce my salary by 16%.
Image source: Outside_Normal, Mar Fernandez
#7
I broke up with my imaginary girlfriend
I just couldn’t see her anymore.
Image source: jezarius, magnific
#8
I bought a thesaurus yesterday, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Image source: Think_Scholar_, jannoon028
#9
Every night it’s the same “there’s a monster under my bed/there’s a monster on top of my bed.”
I was seriously regretting getting my kids bunk beds.
Image source: Outside_Normal, standret
#10
“I’m afraid I have bad news,” said the doctor.
“You’re going to diet.”
Image source: normancrane, whitebearstudio
#11
I am sick and tired of this stupid stereotype that us Irish people are all raging alcoholics
And the minute my hangover is gone, I will give a compelling argument to further my case.
Image source: sugar-soad, magnific
#12
Dressed in robes I walked into the darkness, raised my arms and bellowed ‘RISE, MY DARK MINION!’
My son did not appreciate being woken up that way.
Image source: AdministrationRude85, kuzmichstudio
#13
The demon pointed at my belly, swollen with twins, and cackled, “I’ll take one of the little ones inside you as payment for our deal.”
So I sold him a single gut bacterium for a million dollars and wished it luck in eternal hellfire.
Image source: Derpy-and-Sussie, syda_productions
#14
Patient: “I’m here for the scheduled ultrasound that my gynecologist ordered because I’m 6 months pregnant”
Receptionist: “If you could give us a sample for the pregnancy test, I’ll hand you this cup and the restroom is over there”.
Image source: dickcheney600, magnific
#15
The cursed prince could only be saved by true love’s kiss, and so thirty-seven princesses tried.
In the end, it was the stable boy’s kiss that broke the curse, and all everyone could do was act all surprised.
Image source: omeoni, kriscole
#16
I always clean off my plate no matter how full I am.
I have no problem with letting food go to waist.
Image source: Outside_Normal, pormezz1
#17
“We’ve got no choice but to sell you to pay our debts.” My parents coldly informed me.
As I petitely looked up at my new owners, I recognized them as the boyband whose posters my sister had on her wall.
Image source: definitely_alphaz, syda_productions
#18
LPT: If you’re in the woods and get attacked by a bear, pretend to be gone.
It’ll be great practice for when you’re gone a few minutes later.
Image source: Ali3nat0r, wirestock
#19
My wife was visibly shaken as she combed through the infestation in our child’s hair
She had that dear in the head lice look.
Image source: DinglebarryHandpump, prostooleh
#20
“I beg your pardon” said the hearing impaired criminal after the king sentenced him to life in prison.
The king responded – “No darn way.”
Image source: 5ir_viver, nomadsoul1
#21
“Wow,” I said to my new friend I just made, “these potato chips are out of this world!
“That’s because I am a alien,” he replied, and then his skin turned green and his head got real big.
Image source: EvilGamer117, sashokddt
#22
If I fall asleep again at work my boss said i’d get fired
Then he assigned me to doing the sheep inventory.
Image source: CerebrumEnigma, Drazen Zigic
#23
Penelope from Homer’s Odyssey really had 108 suitors trying to get with her only to get access to the throne.
Nobody loved her.
Image source: Marktesla_76, Yann Caradec from Paris, France
#24
My father told me, “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
He then handed me a copy of the movie “Old Yeller”.
Image source: Outside_Normal, Buena Vista Distribution Co., Inc. © Walt Disney Productions.
#25
Do you know how you can tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
Just by looking and seeing that one of them is not an elephant.
Image source: fR1chAps, wirestock
#26
“You will be gone in seven days,” hissed the voice on the phone.
“So now would be an excellent time to discuss upgrading your life insurance with Prudential…”
#27
“Your sister will survive, but only if you give her your liver” said my mother.
“Fine by me, I hate the stuff” I said, shovelling it onto her plate.
Image source: DriverLazy360, fromkazanwithlove
#28
After I was kidnapped, higher and higher ransoms were offered
No matter how much the kidnappers offered, my parents wouldn’t take me back.
Image source: sugar-soad, dragonimages
#29
My golden retriever chewed up my shoes so badly I had to bring them to a cobbler for repairs.
When I picked them up he said, “May dog have mercy on your sole.”
Image source: BadmiralHarryKim, magnific
#30
I asked my wife why she hadn’t touched alcohol ever since the birth of our twins 6 years ago.
“Because ever since you started drinking you’ve been referring to my implants as “our twins” “.
Image source: lapsangsouchogn, Ambreen
#31
My parents bought my twin sister a first class ticket for her dream holiday, but they told me if I wanted to go then I would have to pay for myself
The only problem is that we are siamese twins and I have no choice but to go.
Image source: sugar-soad
#32
My wife was furious when she walked in on me beating our daughter
It’s my daughters own fault for challenging me to a game of monopoly.
Image source: sugar-soad
#33
When my little sister clawed at her throat and gasped for breath, I started googling frenetically.
She still persisted after I shoved the Wikipedia page in her face and said, “It says here that peanuts aren’t nuts; they are legumes.”
Image source: Complete-Progress-75
#34
“If word gets out that I’ve invented a time machine,” said the scientist, “someone might try to use it to go back to World War II and end rulers.”
The lab assistant responded with, “Who?”
Image source: DeadComposer
#35
I could see the look of horror pass over my boyfriend’s face as I slid the knife in
He had managed to undercook the chicken yet again.
Image source: sugar-soad
#36
It began raining cats and dogs outside.
Then I stepped in a poodle.
Image source: SmellsLikeT00Nspirit
#37
Today my ex texted, “c u in Hell, jerk!!!”
I figured ending my ex last week meant an eternity in Hell, but it’s a bummer knowing she’ll be there too.
Image source: Vice-Monkey
#38
I had no idea why my boss and co workers kept trying not to laugh during our zoom meeting
After the meeting ended I turned around to see that my four year old daughter had included my adult toy as one of the guests at her dolls dinner party.
Image source: sugar-soad
#39
“For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.”
Why the supermarket thought they were a suitable substitute for cornflakes is something I will never know.
Image source: GeorgeHSpencer
#40
I didn’t want to hear the words coming out of her mouth, “I’m sorry Sir but your daughter didn’t make it”.
I picked up her picture and whispered, with tears in my eyes, “ok maybe I helped with some of the finer details but she did do some of the drawing”.
Image source: Medium-Marketing-493
#41
I would never date a girl with an adult entertainment profile
She’s attractive, confident, making decent money, whilst I bring nothing to the table.
Image source: fadedhalo10
#42
I already lost 10 pounds since I started training fencing
Now, if I can only get my other arm cut off…
Image source: Tramelo
#43
The skinwalker copied his appearance perfectly to fool his family.
His wife noticed immediately because he’d never offered to do the dishes before.
Image source: omeoni
#44
I bumped into my old school French teacher yesterday, she asked how I’ve been all these years
I said I like to go to the cinema with my brother and I live in a house with four windows.
Image source: Bitter-Break-6504
#45
My sister’s boyfriend told her she “almost looked like a man” in her suit.
She said the same to him.
Image source: PublicPreparation545
#46
It was my lucky day when the company said I could keep the extra pairs of baby shoes they shipped in error.
Better still, when I decided to sell them, I found that I could save a ton of money if I shortened my ad to just six words.
Image source: Outside_Normal
#47
“Solve my riddle: what has feathers, fangs, is larger than a mountain but lighter than a mouse, crumbles under your fingertip but can end you with a word?” the sphinx said.
“Your momma.”
Image source: illiterateagenda
#48
I asked our server “Can we see the menu please?”
He scoffed and said “The men I please is none of you business.”
Image source: Tough-Yoghurt-1919
#49
There I was, watching my business go down the drain.
Who puts a heater in an ice cream factory?
Image source: Intrepid_Wanderer
#50
“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones,” she sneered.
“Joke’s on you, this is aluminium oxynitride,” I laugh, as the rock bounces off my house and hits her right back in her stupid head.
Image source: smilelikeachow
#51
When I turned ten, Grandma gave me a framed embroidery that read, “Jesus gave his life for your sins.”
She got pretty mad when I said, “No, he’s outside mowing the lawn.”
Image source: BadmiralHarryKim
#52
“No one has ever tried to sell their soul to me before,” said God.
“I already offered it to the Devil, but I hoped maybe I could get a better deal from you.”
Image source: DeadComposer
#53
The siblings dug for weeks because their dad’s dying confession was that he’d buried a fortune in the backyard.
After a year or so, they finally found a note: “Finally got you all to get off your darn phones.”
Image source: omeoni
#54
Maybe the two “E’s” in “bee” are silent. I think about this a lot.
Image source: Ripcord2
#55
My friend told me not to let one disgruntled customer get me down.
“Everyone knows you’re the best copper merchant in Ur!”
Image source: BadmiralHarryKim
#56
“What about long innuendos?” I confusedly asked my girlfriend.
“That’s what,” she said.
Image source: Outside_Normal
#57
I hugged my brother one final time as the gas surrounded us.
Hey, it’s not my fault that I have a phobia of fog machines.
Image source: HarounaBoi
#58
I scoffed at their name-calling for it caused me no harm.
I trembled when they started singing “Come Sail Away” and “Paint It Black”.
Image source: Outside_Normal
#59
“Just let me beat this boss first!” I shouted after I got caught playing games at work.
After punching Mr. Johnson in the face, I sat back down, put my headphones back on and said “sorry bout that, I’m back now”.
Image source: Upstairs_Ad_5574
#60
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books.
He only had his shelf to blame.
Image source: ClutchingMyTinkle
#61
I refused the wagyu beef after learning how the cows were pampered by receiving massages and being fed beer.
I just couldn’t bring myself to eat such spoiled meat.
Image source: Outside_Normal
#62
My girlfriend just confessed me that she has powers to make people forget
Lmao there is no way I wrote that.
Image source: KereMental
#63
You once told me the Oxford comma was always superfluous.
I kept that in mind when I was having lunch with two adult entertainers, your mother and your grandmother.
Image source: BadmiralHarryKim
#64
They said ending a French vampire was simple, one just has to stab a baguette through its heart.
But as it turns out it’s actually a painstaking endeavor.
Image source: Fyrebrand18
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