The Dumbest Castle Fanfiction We’ve Ever Read

Castle is one of the greatest crime dramas on TV right now, thanks in part to the chemistry between its leads, its inventive concepts and its constant drama. It’s no wonder that it’s assembled an enormous fanbase, one big enough to warrant a huge explosion of Castle-related fanfiction. Fanfiction is a great way for fans to get themselves involved in the universe of the show in their own way, doing what they will with the character. Sometimes it’s romantically based, but other times, they really just want to invented new episodes of their favorite shows. There are actually a good many solid pieces of fanfiction out there, but there are plenty of bad ones as well. Today we’ll be looking at those because frankly, it’s a bit more fun. Here are the misadventures of Castle, as told by his most avid fans:

We’ll start with “Kate’s Sister,” and here’s the relevant passage:

“Richard Castle sat in the hard chiar next to her desk. Her, as in the, love of his life her. Kate Beckett. He dreamed of her at nights. He dreamed of her long wavy hiar. How he wanted to comb his fingers through her hair as he made sweet love to her in the dark with the bright new york lights. Kate looked over to her partner and saw him staring at her. She frowned and then smiled. “Oh Castle, what are you thinking?” She asked him. “Just how beautful you are.” He said. “Oh.” He smiled again. He could smile a million times when it comes to him.”

You’ll notice that I’m not correcting for spelling in any of these. So many of these go off into la-la land when it comes to Castle and Beckett’s relationship. Some before they got together on the show, some after. “He could smile a million times when it comes to him” is my new favorite line from anything ever.

Next, how about “I’m Nikki Heat”? It’s fun time in the tub.

Kate had just eased into the tub when she heard Rick knock at the door. She chuckled as she told him to come in. He held a book under one arm, her medicine and a glass of water in his hands. She raised up to take the glass from him and heard him sigh as he watched the patch of bubbles slowly slide down her chest. A smile crept upon her lips and she sat up straighter just to mess with him a little more.

“Good lord woman…” Rick growled as he handed her the pills and water. “If you don’t want company in there, you better take this and let me go.”

She quickly downed her medicine and handed him back the empty glass. “We can’t have that, not with your mother and daughter in the next room, so just hand me the book and go.”

Rick gave her his sad face as he handed the book to her. “Don’t you want me to read to you?”

“Castle, I just finished reading this book for the third time right before I had my accident.” Kate told him when she noticed the book he had brought her was none other than ‘Naked Heat’.

“That explains a lot about your actions the past couple days then.”

No, it doesn’t. She was slutty and last time I read Naked Heat, Nikki Heat wasn’t slutty.”

He knelt down and leaned into her face, Talk about invading a personal bubble. his hand played with the bubbles that floated near her breast. “You had just read the ending, where Nikki comes home to her apartment and finds Rook sitting at the dinning table working on his article.”

The riveting clue about a book character becoming slutty when she wasn’t previously. The case is solved! The real mystery is why Beckett has suddenly turned into a ludicrous temptress herself. Again, another bad romance novel version of the Castle and Beckett relationship.

Moving on, we’ll head to “Finding My Castle.”

“Castle… Your really annoying me right now” Beckett snapped, slamming the book shut as castle dropped the pencil he was playing with to the floor. “I…Sorry” he mumbled reaching to pick up the pencil. “Look, Why don’t you head home to Alexis and your mum…” Becket looked down to her watch “…it’s already six o’ clock, I am sure Alexis would love to talk to you about her day”. “You’re right…” Castle smiled resting his hand on his chin and looking at Beckett hopefully. “What do you want Castle?” Beckett said getting frustrated and running a hand through her honey brown curls. “Well, I was thinking…I’m sure Alexis would like to talk to you about her day too…Come home with me?” Castle said, Hope shining in his deep ocean blue eyes.

Man she really…loves….using the….dot dot dot…symbol during dialogue….huh? The dramatic moments of this excerpt include Castle dropping a pencil for no other reason that something needs to happen, and Beckett running her hands through her hair. Maybe she was stressed out about the pencil?

Alright, alright, we’ll do one more before we go.  Here is “Katherine Beckett and Richard Castle.” Well, that’s about as straightforward as you get.

“She awoke a few hours later to Richard Castle looking at. “Good morning, Detective.” Beckett smiled. Neither of t hem brought up what Castle had said before Beckett passed out. “Castle?” “Beckett, your not supposed to be talking.” “I don’t care. Remember what you said after I shot?” “How could I forget?” “Did you4 mean it?” “How could I not? Kate, I love your willpower to not flinch while you’re staring at cold blood killers, I love that your scared, I love that your extraordinary, I love that you amaze me every day, I love that I find something new about you everyday. My point is that I’ve loved you since the day you walked into my book party. Kate, I love so much and when you got shot, I thought that I had passed up my chance to tell you that I love you.” Katherine Beckett looked into Richard Castle’s baby blur eyes.

Alright, I had to stop at “baby blur eyes” because I burst out laughing for about five minutes. Some typos are just too funny to pass up.

Again, this is all in good fun and we’re not trying to be mean, but if you’re making fan-fiction, I highly recommend a quick proofread or two before releasing it onto the internet for the entire world to see.

[Photos via ABC]