The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 5 Review: “No Rose Ceremony, Because Kelsey Is A Serial Killer”

The Bachelor

Kelsey is crazy.

I’m sorry, Bachelor fans, but she is. Kelsey is the Rodney Alcala of this show. Her little spiel about her story being “tragic” (her husband died of an unexpected heart attack [while walking to work; dude is 51 and he walks to work? Also her repeated insistence that he walked because it was a beautiful day is really unsettling. This is a long parenthetical. Sorry. Wait, what do you call a parenthetical with a bracket in it? Sorry]) and how it was giving her a leg up with Chris and her subsequent is-it-real-or-staged panic attack was literally the work of a burgeoning serial killer.

Am I being hyperbolic? Perhaps. But if Chris comes into her room and she’s boiling a rabbit on a stove, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Except for the last few minutes (when Kelsey turned into Doctor Evil), this episode was kind of blah. There was drama, don’t get me wrong; but any of the humor and camaraderie of the prior episodes has pretty much flown out the window. The worst offenders are Ashley I (my ex-favorite[TAKE THAT PERSON MORE FAMOUS THAN ME!!!!!]) and Carly. They just instigated random mean-spiritedness and it wasn’t fun, at all.

I have some opinions on the psychological state of those two but I am going to keep those to myself because a) I’m pretentious but not THAT pretentious and 2) I just compared a random crazy girl to arguably the most prolific serial killer of the last forty years, so do you really want my opinion on those things???

All kidding aside I really do miss the comedy of the early episodes. Things like the tractor race and the opening ceremony and Jimmy Kimmel were really, really enjoyable, and now suddenly everything is so serious and life or death and please let’s tone it down like five notches because this is a dating show.

The one thing that has remained constant that I have enjoyed is Chris Soules’ behavior. I’ve been impressed with his behavior (I’ve said this many a time), but I’ve always been skeptical about buying in. I’ve never seen any of The Bachelor before so my experience with the attitude of the actual bad ones is limited to say the least. But I’m on board.

I’m interested to see how they deal with no rose ceremony in this episode. Will they just combine the rose ceremony that was meant for tonight with the next one? That seems like the easiest solution. Had there been one, I would bet that Kelsey and Ashley I would’ve gone home, at least. I don’t know how many people would’ve had to leave this episode but those two would’ve been gone.

I wish we could trade Kelsey for Jillian or Tara. Or both. Those two were the best.

OH MAN I ALMOST FORGOT! Jordan came back this episode! She just showed up and was like “Yo.” She tried to pull a Kimberly, and it did not work. It kind of sucked because she clearly was into being there unlike last time, and she easily could’ve taken a place with the girls. She was funny and engaging in those early episodes. Makes me miss Ashley S, too, because as crazy as she was there was at least entertainment value in the craziness that she brought; it didn’t require everyone to sleep with one eye open like the kind Kelsey is bringing.

But anyways. I’m a little scatterbrained, and I apologize. My Patriots just won the Super Bowl and I’ve just been in a stupor all day. Such is the life of a winner.

Stray Thoughts

– Britt is the best. If she ends up not winning, I hope she becomes the next Bachelorette.

– Did I mention my Patriots won the Super Bowl?

– DID I???

– Let’s hope next week’s episode brings some of the laughs back, because damn, son.

[Photo via ABC]

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