Supernatural 5.09 “The Real Ghostbusters” Recap

You know it’s a rough Thursday night when The Vampire Diaries was more engaging than Supernatural.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always thought of fandom as some blend of Las Vegas and Fight Club: what happens on the internet stays on the internet and we don’t talk about it. I’ve never been to a convention myself, but I do watch the YouTube videos. Through my fingers. Squinting. Trying to listen to what the actors are actually saying over the periodic screeching that maxes out the videocamera microphones. If that’s your thing, that’s cool! I’m not judging you! I just don’t need an entire episode devoted to it. And what about the poor people who watch Supernatural without the aid of the internet? They surely must be scratching their heads, going, “I’m not sure what just happened here.”

Okay. Fine. I have my quart of vodka by my side, so let’s get on with it. Becky (the smut-writing fangirl from 5.01), stole Chuck’s phone from out of his pants (yes, they’re doing it) and sends a faux-emergency text message to Sam and Dean to come meet them at… a Supernatural fan convention. Not sure why Chuck would call the Winchesters in a life and death situation instead of letting the archangel take care of him, but whatever. There are fangirls galore dressed in plaid and facial hair and the awkward questions run rampant (“If you don’t like the books, don’t read ’em!” Becky screams at a Hookman impersonator who dareth call Chuck out on storyline inconsistencies). Chuck announces that a wealthy Scandanavian publisher has given him enough money to start publishing the books again. Sam and Dean are not very enthusiastic about this development, to say the least.

When there’s a scream from upstairs, and the guys run to comfort the Maid Who Saw a Ghost, only to find that it’s an elaborate LARP-ing (Live Action Role Playing) setup. Long story short, there’s supposedly a ghost haunting the hotel. When one poor Sam Lookalike goes stalking the hallways upstairs, he sees an OMG REAL ACTUAL GHOST. And it tosses him around a room before disappearing.

Sam ‘n Dean decide to do shots at the bar (’cause THAT’S a good idea) and overhear Sam Lookalike talking about the REAL ACTUAL GHOST he saw upstairs. The guys go to the hotel manager, who reveals the hotel is ACTUALLY haunted by the spirit of an angry schoolmarm who had a penchant for killing the orphans who were housed there.

Two other VERY SERIOUS LARPers (Demian and Barnes, named for Television Without Pity’s Supernatural recapper and old forum moderator) find the REAL ACTUAL ORPHAN GHOSTS upstairs, along with a map. Meanwhile, Sam and Dean are up in the real attic, where the EMF is going crazy, and they find another REAL ACTUAL ORPHAN GHOST with half his scalp missing. Ewww. Back downstairs, Becky tries to make moves on Sam. Chuck is not amused. Sam manages to confirm that the schoolmarm killed her own son as well (scalped him). They overhear Barnes and Demian talking about their map, which marks the location of the cemetery on the property. They agree to share it with the guys as long as they get the Sizzler giftcard for winning the LARPing competition. Dean’s a little confused why anyone would want to be a part of the messed up, dysfunctional member of the Winchester Family Saga and Jesus  Christ, I get it already!

They find the cemetery and Barnes and Demian get a little freaked out when Sam and Dean pull out their shovels and rock salt. Dean finally gets to the casket of the schoolmarm and Barnes and Demian are appalled when they discover it’s a REAL ACTUAL SKELETON. Their disbelief is short-lived, though, when the schoolmarm’s ghost shows up and tries to kill them. Dean manages to salt and burn the bones before anyone actually gets hurt.

Back at the bar, Demian and Barnes are taking shots to calm their frazzled little nerves. “Good luck with the Supernatural books, and screw you very much,” Sam and Dean tell Chuck on the way out. Except they’re not getting out because they can’t open any of the doors or windows. Oops? Scalped-Orphan Boy tells Sam and Dean that his “mommy” (the schoolmarm) didn’t take his scalp. Turns out it was the other little orphans. They attack Hookman and take his scalp as well.

As Chuck’s finishing up the convention, Sam runs up and tells him what’s going on. Chuck has to stall the fans. Seems the little orphan boys were playing Cowboys and Indians (their own version of LARPing – OMG, lookit the parallels!), the schoolmarm’s ghost must have been keeping them under control. She’s salted and burned, so… they’re in trouble. Sam and Dean convince the LARPing schoolmarm to help them out and Demian and Barnes join in as well. The Fake!Schoolmarm calls the boys and they materialize in front of her. She tells them to open the doors. Demian and Barnes manage to slip out the door until the schoolmarm’s phone goes off. Dean tells her to run and confronts them with a fire poker.

Demian and Barnes are being productive, though (“Supernatural makes digging graves seem so easy, but it’s not! I think I’m gonna throw up…”), and are trying to get to the graves of the orphans. Sam manages to save Dean from the murderous orphans, but things are getting out of hand. One of the convention-goers tries to leave and accidentally breaks the circle of salt encircling the main room, but Chuck goes at a murderous orphan with an iron stick and it makes Becky all tingly. Just when one of the murderous orphans is about to take a knife to Sammy’s fantastic mane, Demain finally gets his lighter working and POOF. Salted and burned.

Sam and Dean thank Barnes and Demain for their help. They don’t believe Dean when he says he’s the REAL Dean. Demian tells him he’s not sure if he gets what the Winchesters’ story’s about: it’s about waking up every morning and saving the world and having family that would die for you. Also: Barnes and Demian partners. A.k.a. the gay kind. It’s kind of cute, if you ignore the Wincest connotations. Becky laments the loss of her “relationship” with Sam (“like a monkey on the sun, it was too hot to live”). She and Chuck appear destined to live happily ever after. And Sam makes Chuck promise not to write any more books. P.S., Bela didn’t really give the Colt to Lilith. HELLO RETCON. Not again. Sam joins Dean back at the car and lets him know he’s got a lead on the Colt and they drive off into the sunset, sans classic rock. Well, I’m out of vodka, and I’m still not enthused with this episode. Next week looks more entertaining, thank goodness.