Navigating romantic relationships can sometimes feel like stumbling through a maze in the dark. Only through time, patience, and a lot of practice can we figure out how to seamlessly go through this journey of life with another person. (And even then, there will always be some unexpected bumps along the road.) So if you’re looking for advice that might go a long way in improving your relationships, buckle up and come along for the ride.
Women on Reddit have been sharing small things that have positive impacts on relationships, what they need to feel safe and what they consider to be the bare minimum, so we’ve gathered some of their wisest words below. Keep reading to also find conversations with relationship consultant Dr. Ada Gonzalez and Amie the Dating Coach, and be sure to upvote the replies that hit home for you.
#1
Viewing every relationship issue as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”
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#2
One thing that I noticed about my partner that really makes me know I’ve found a good person is how much he’s willing to learn from me. In very very little ways. I spend a lot of time on AITA here and there’s constant stories of absolute garbage partners who won’t lift a finger and refuse to learn/try to contribute.
My partner will see me cooking something they don’t know how to cook, cleaning something they don’t know how to clean.. basically doing anything a certain way. And then he’ll come over and ask me about what I’m doing. Why I’m using certain products, how I know something is done.
To be clear, he already can cook and clean things lol. But it means a lot to me that he sees things I do and instead of thinking “I don’t have to worry because she’s got it” I can tell he’s thinking “how can I take this off her plate?”
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#3
Respecting the need for solitude and that it can be important to carve time for pursuing our individual curiosities, rather than always making compromises so we can do things together as a couple
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#4
Kindness. Making sure you understand that you should be each others best friend and advocate. Even if you have conflict, be unfailingly kind.
This also means reminding your partner to be kind to themself. This morning my husband said something self-degrading and I gave my usual response-joking, “Don’t you talk like that about my husband!”
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#5
Trust. If that isn’t established from the start then the relationship is doomed from the very start.
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#6
That you two are two different people. He has his preferences. She has her own. Accepting that will save you from a lot of trouble.
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#7
Don’t act like i’m bothering you when i want to hang out.
Don’t make me feel bad for wanting to spend time together.
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#8
Someone who understands my need to have animals in my life. I go into a dark hole if I don’t. Luckily I married a man who turned out to be a big cat lover too. He never had animals before he met me but he’s all in. Our oldest cat is such a daddy’s girl too.
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#9
Doing little things for my wife. Bringing her morning coffee, packing her lunches. Every day acts of affection matter.
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#10
Finding time together. Life gets busy. Sometimes your relationship can’t be first, but you have time find moments to just BE together.
We used to get a sitter and run errands together. Grab a coffee and do the grocery/Target/oil change type stuff together.
Image source: littlescreechyowl, Tima Miroshnichenko
#11
Figuring out how to disagree. Sometimes these turn into arguments, but as soon as it gets heated, or one person slams the door or yells, you may as well say “I’m not listening”. Trying to hear the other person out and understand where they’re coming from will benefit both people a ton in the long run.
Image source: alltheplants05, Timur Weber
#12
Communication. Growing up trauma instilled by my parents included silent treatment when they disapproved of anything I did. When I first got into the relationship I am in now, I started to see how toxic it was to just not talk and wait for the problem to go away. Both my therapist and my fiancé helped me work through it and understand that it is not about “winning” and once you learn to put in effort and admit when you’re wrong and say sorry, the misundestandings become easier to talk through and don’t have to escalate into fights. We very rarely fight anymore because we communicate better, and are therefore happier.
Image source: NinaMissedTheLastBus, Timur Weber
#13
2 different bathrooms. Trust me it’s a game changer.
Image source: hallesrosebuds, Vlada Karpovich
#14
Care. It’s big in my relationship because I’m severely Autistic and struggle with talking to people I don’t know, so whenever me and my boyfriend are out in public, he usually speaks for me whenever we visit a place like a store or cafe. It’s so helpful because I can barely ever start a sentence when I talk to someone I don’t know.
Image source: Optimal-Wrangler2190, Lisa Fotios
#15
Dishwasher
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#16
We have an alarm at the end of everyday called grateful. My husband’s suggestion. We spend a minute just highlighting any thing big or small that the other person has done that we’re grateful for, or if we’ve had a fight, what the other person did that helped that helped conflict resolution/repair. It helps each partner remember the good things the other person has done and where they’ve put effort into the relationship. It also helps to hear the other persons reflection of what helped so we understand each other’s experiences and perspectives better. It provides reinforcement of all the good that occurs so we don’t dwell on what we might have gotten wrong, but also what we got right and where it helps. Definitely has helped strengthen the relationship through different conflict styles and neurodiverse differences.
Image source: Girllikethat33, Pixabay
#17
Understanding these overall concepts:
1. A relationship has an underlying contract, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Over time the terms of that contract may change, but you have to make sure both parties sign off on all changes. Most relationships drift apart when one of the signing parties starts signing off on changes without presenting the contract to the other person for sign off. Communication is key, but so is awareness of the little changes we go through in desires and preferences as we grow and evolve as people.
2. Over time small cracks will develop in the structure that is your relationship. It is the job of both parties to perform regular maintenance to the structure, as sometimes only one of the two of you will be able to see these as they form. You may need to reference item 1 as these are patched up
3. Here is an uncomfortable truth nobody wants to acknowledge: you and your partner will likely both have desires to be with other people throughout the course of your relationship, at least sexually. We as human beings are wired this way and infidelity rates as well as statistics on breakup reasons highlight this reality. Whatever storybook romance or religious dogma taught you about only desiring one person for the rest of your life does not reflect reality for the majority of people with healthy sexualities. This does not in any way make it okay to cheat or lie to your partner, but developing the confidence to talk about this openly may actually go a long way in preventing such behavior. Sometimes the cracks developing in a relationship go un-patched because no one has the confidence to acknowledge them. While love and sexuality certainly have overlap, they are very much separate engines in the vehicle of life. In my experience, this is the single most under-communicated aspect of otherwise healthy relationships.
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#18
The guys I dated all seemed to believe giving me my own space and not rushing me was the way to go about my anxiety. I respect that but it wasn’t enough. A lot of times the reason I had relationship anxiety in the first place was lack of (enough) **emotional intimacy** and **emotional support by actions** as my love language is mostly actions. “You are hot and smart” is flattering and necessary for sexual compatibility, but “I know you are anxious about your cat’s vet trip but YOU GOT THIS” kind of texts in the morning for example means more about feeling secure in the relationship. And someone with anxiety disorder absolutely needs to feel secure in the relationship.
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#19
I wish my bf would acknowledge how hard it is for me to interact with others, and encourage me, rather than just saying, “You just gotta get out of your head!” Ummm, yeah. If I could do that as simply as that statement implies, wouldn’t I have already done that? It’s disheartening when I’m treated as if being hurt, confused, and stressed is somehow me just being miserable on purpose.
Image source: Known-Potential-3603, Leah Kelley
#20
Effort. It’s the little stuff like wanting to make someone happy, doing chores unprompted, checking in on each other. Exhibiting desire both physically and emotionally. Being a good person Carrie’s over in to your romantic relationships.
Obviously good communication skills.
The ability to take an ego hit or shed an egotistical thought or reaction in order to work through the issue with your partner instead of defensively hiding or shutting down.
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#21
To know I don’t have to worry about them cheating on me
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#22
Your life is made better by them being in it.
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#23
Realizing that it won’t always be 50/50. Sometimes it’ll be 80/20. Also, having similar living habits definitely helps.
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#24
Two things:
1. Acknowlegement of the mental load of running the household, plus active participation in balancing that load.
2. Not cheating on me with anyone who would stand still long enough
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#25
Honesty, integrity, and empathy
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#26
Hugs and reassurance. Anything on top of that is above and beyond
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#27
Willingness to take accountability
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#28
If my husband could keep his drinking under control. It’s a work in progress. At least he is trying but I worry about it getting worse again in the future.
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#29
An open mind. One thing that really sets me off is people yelling “what are you doing that is so weird!?!!” When they see me do anything mildly different, such as putting a condiment on my bread they’re not familiar with
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#30
Growth.
I panic when things go stagnant – I’m way too critical on myself to not constantly be bettering myself, and it makes me feel safe and comfortable if I know it’s a mutual desire and that we can act upon it together as a team. Because, for me, it’s not always a pretty process, and I need to feel like my SO is going to stand by me in my monstrous moments.
Teamwork.
I love having alone time, but I hate feeling alone. I love that my SO is so communicative, and supportive, and everything you’d need in a teammate to elevate your quality and performance. He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear, he tells me the honest truth and we grow from our shared truths. It’s not always easy, or again – pretty, but we have one diamond solid, beautiful relationship and I can confidently say I’ve never felt safer, more comfortable, more confident – than I do with him.
He’s vulnerable with me – probably more than I am with him! And that’s another thing.
Image source: [deleted], Andrea Piacquadio
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