Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful is heartbreaking. After all, few enter into long-term relationships expecting their trust to be broken. So when an affair comes to light, whether purely physical or emotional, your relationship is hanging on a thread. You’re suddenly hit with a whirlwind of feelings and the harrowing decision of whether or not to move forward.
But even the most careful cheaters leave trails and eventually get caught in their web of lies. The problem is that only in hindsight do you realize the signals were there all along, they just completely went over your head. So recently, one Redditor decided to learn more about people’s experiences and the ways deceit makes love crumble to pieces. They reached out to the Ask Reddit community with a question: “Where does cheating in a relationship start for you?”
People immediately jumped to the comment section to share what infidelity means to them, as well as some of the subtle signs our partners may be going astray. We’ve gone through the thread and gathered some of the most illuminating responses to share with you, so continue scrolling and upvote the ones you agree with most. Below, you’ll also find in-depth interviews with the author of this post and relationship expert Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. And if you know any other indications of infidelity in a relationship, be sure to share them with us in the comments.
Psst! After you’re done reading this post, check out our earlier piece filled with wild and infuriating stories from people who accidentally caught their partners cheating.
#1
Withdrawing emotionally from your partner and offering that energy to someone else. Cheating doesn’t have to be kissing or f*****g.
Image source: jigsawsmurf
#2
If you would be unwilling to tell your partner about an interaction, then it’s probably time to start thinking about what you’re doing.
Image source: Teafairy6767, freestocks
#3
I’d say, having romantic feelings for someone else and following through on those feelings with the other person.
Crushes, fantasies, and whatnot happen all the time for pretty much everyone. The difference between cheating and being human is what you do with those feelings.
It’s all about intent and actions. Just having feelings is only natural.
Image source: zazzlekdazzle, Ekaterina Nt
#4
If you would be upset if your partner did it to you, it’s cheating.
Image source: pikagrrl, Annie Spratt
#5
I think the two basic litmus tests are
Would you tell them/do it in front of them?
Would you be okay with it if they did the same thing?
If the answer is yes to both, it’s probably fine. If it’s no to either, then at minimum you’re on dangerous ground
Image source: audigex , cottonbro
#6
Honestly it’s about intentions more than anything. If my SO started pursuing someone romantically that’s cheating – doesn’t matter if it’s lovey dovey texting or f*****g. If my SO was at a party and a drunk person kissed him suddenly against his wishes, that’s not cheating.
At the end of the day it comes down to them wanting to be with another person and they aren’t being honest about it. The polite thing to do, even though it’s painful and hard and sad, is to break up. Breaking up is never s**ttier than cheating.
Image source: NowHeres_HumanMusic, Dương Hữu
#7
Lies. It always starts with lies. Be it texts or snaps, if one of us have to lie or hide, it’s wrong and should not happen.
Image source: notyourusuallady, Jonas Leupe
#8
If you wouldn’t want your partner to know, it’s cheating.
I wouldn’t flirt with someone else in front of my partner, so I don’t flirt with people when he’s not around either.
Image source: kellogg888, cottonbro
#9
The sneaking around.
The second you start plotting to do something behind my back. You’re violating the trust of the relationship.
Image source: Warkitz, MART PRODUCTION
#10
My ex kept telling me I’d ruin our relationship if I met his friends (both girls, both exes). He also said I wasn’t entitled to meet his friends (we’ve been dating for 5 months and he said he wanted to live with me someday). Basically I started getting uncomfortable about his relationship to these women and he would tell me I was accusing him anytime I asked anything about them. Literally anything. I don’t know if he was doing something physical or actively in a romantic relationship with them, or just felt his friendships were a bit flirty or inappropriate and didn’t want me to know but… not worth putting up with it.
Image source: SunflowerShakes, quokkabottles
#11
When any sort of romantic investment in another person starts occurring. If my partner was texting someone and saying they loved them in a romantic way that would be enough to end things. Because at that point, they have made up their mind and have stated their intentions.
Image source: huffing_farts
#12
Watching an episode of a series we’re watching together on Netflix without me.
Image source: Strongbad23, Mollie Sivaram
#13
If the text messages need to be deleted, it’s cheating.
Image source: Roxas–13, Chris Yang
#14
In the lying. If you want to f**k someone else, tell me. Maybe we can come to an understanding or maybe we can’t, but the strongest relationships I’ve ever had were the ones where one of us would see a hottie (of either gender) walk by, and the other would nudge so we both could appreciate that s**t.
I once was in a relationship where we had an agreement that if my girlfriend (who was very bi) needed sex that didn’t involve a penis, she had the green light to go and get it. I acknowledged that there are factors in that kind of sex I can’t replicate so that was totally fair. I never suffered from it, and she seemed happier for it.
Image source: NomenNescio13, Jonas Weckschmied
#15
If there’s a grey area, it’s cheating. If you know they will be upset, it’s cheating. If you have to hide it/lie/omit details. It’s cheating.
Image source: SufficientBug5598, Anthony Tran
#16
The intent.
For me, an ex of mine that would later cheat on me started a tinder profile in which she claimed she “just wanted to find friends” and she certainly found quite a few of them. Obviously, she didn’t just want friends.
It could be as small as reaching out to an ex to say happy birthday, but most people have the intent to do something well before it is executed.
Image source: isnoe
#17
Well I count emotional affairs as cheating, but this can be difficult to define. Because I want my partner to be able to have good, supportive, close friendships with other people. I just don’t want them to replace me, or for him to be closer to them as he is to me. And I don’t want it to cross obvious boundaries (physical intimacy).
I generally walk the line of if something bothers me I talk to him about it. Afterwards if it still doesn’t feel right and I’m not happy then I would need to make a decision.
Image source: pixelunicorns, cottonbro
#18
Cheating occurs when boundaries have been broken. What those boundaries are, is going to differ between relationships.
However, cheating (or not respecting boundaries) is a symptom of a much larger, fundamental problem with the relationship. That problem is usually a breakdown of communication, but could be (but not exclusively) intimacy issues, abuse (mental, physical and/or sexual), mental health of one or more in the relationship. To put it more plainly, people in fulfilling, well functioning, stable relationships don’t cheat.
Image source: deja_geek, Timur Weber
#19
When you’re hiding the nature of a “friendship” from your partner and the rest of the social circle because it’s becoming slightly more than a friendship and you aren’t shutting it down, you’re hiding an affair.
Image source: WhapXI, HONG SON
#20
First tier would be texting another dude in a non-platonic way.
Second tier would be actually hanging out with this person behind my back and lying about where you were.
Third tier is any kind of non-platonic physical contact, holding hands to f*****g, it’s all the same to me.
Edit: lots of replies about holding hands: yes is very PG rated, but you don’t hold hands with someone you don’t have feelings for. You don’t hold hands with someone you’re not emotionally invested in. You can f**k someone and not be emotionally invested in them. To me holding hands is almost worse but in a different way.
Image source: groovy604, Janosch Diggelmann
#21
I am aware my opinion is going to be in the minority.
Pretty much physical stuff is the only thing I consider cheating. She can flirt with guys, hell even have an only fans and I wouldnt care, but if she lets someone fondle her boobs or kiss her thats crossing a line for me.
Image source: GreenWammingo, Candice Picard
#22
This is solely dictated by the boundaries that you and your partner set in your specific relationship. Best way to avoid this kind of trouble is to have healthy communication between each other and setting these boundaries early. If you come to a disagreement, either manage a compromise or find someone else who’s boundaries match your own.
Image source: Miss__Behaved
#23
Personally, I don’t mind flirting in public with a stranger if it’s fully understood that it’s not going anywhere and contact information isn’t exchanged. Emotional cheating is a precursor to physical cheating a represents a need for couple’s therapy. My wife of 10 years physically cheated on me with someone she had known for 2 weeks. I wanted to go to therapy and fix things given we had 2 kids. She didn’t. She regretted it later when things approached divorce, but it was too late. I had begun to move on and why would I want to be with someone who didn’t choose me?
Image source: TeaMasterSen, Kelly Sikkema
#24
As cheesy as it sounds, it starts with your motive, intention, and conscience. I think there’s a clear cut difference between physical cheating and mental/emotional cheating, but it all relates to your honest motive, intention, and conscience.
For exampple, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with texting with another person if you are married or dating, but if you know in your heart that you are texting or engaging in conversation that makes you feel guilty or it would make your partner upset, you may be doing something wrong, even if you technically did not cheat. If at any point you are justifying your actions or defending your actions/feelings/thoughts from a technical perspective, you may be at the start of doing something wrong.
Image source: orange_cuse, Anh Nguyen
#25
As long as you keep it in your mind, just fantazising about someone else, you’re in the clear as far as I’m concerned. Sexting and surroundings, such as flirting, are considered a less serious degree of cheating and I may be willing to forgive it, depending on circumstances. From the actual kiss onwards you’re in the breaking up zone in case I find out, as far as I’m concerned. For this there’s no forgiveness by any means, never.
Image source: ZethrasGorgoth
#26
First step of cheating to me is dishonesty, lying and hiding stuff from your S/O is a red flag.
Image source: qwerrty20120, Baptista Ime James
#27
For me it was: i’m going few days vacation with my male friend. We will stay in the same hotel room but sleep in a different beds.
I told her I am not comfortable with this, but she went any way.
Image source: LeftChoux, Engin Akyurt
#28
the second your partner gives in to the temptation of wondering if the grass is greener. as soon it’s acted on the flood gates are open. if you can’t take being approached in public by a stranger asking for your number with the intent to go out then that sums up your current relationship.
Image source: supplyncommand
#29
I think there’s emotional and physical cheating
Emotional Openly flirting, nudes etc
Physical kissing onwards
Image source: __Piggy__Smalls__, mikoto.raw Photographer
#30
Cheating starts at lying, even by omission. I am okay with private conversations, meeting people she wants to meet, going away on business trips or going out and coming back late at night. But lying to me about it or about what happened? Or simply not telling me something I don’t want to hear ? That’s cheating.
So:
* “I will go out tonight, to see people you don’t know and talk about things you don’t care about”: we are in the clear, it is fine.
* “I saw X and Y last night at their place”: if I know for sure that it is not true, then there is some cheating involved.
It only works if you are not a creep, or even jealous. There needs to be mutual trust and respect. When trust and respect are gone, the relationship is gone too.
Image source: pleasedontPM, Emma Bauso
Follow Us
