Many people, unfortunately, consider guilt tripping to be one of the most effective ways to motivate others around them. Relatives, friends, colleagues… These “motivators” believe it’s enough to convince people that they’re not doing enough or doing a good job at certain things, and they’ll start doing more or better.
What can you do in such a situation? For example, give these “hapless motivators” the opportunity to spot the difference by stopping doing certain things altogether. Like, say, doing chores. That’s exactly what the user u/throwawaydusty6283, the narrator of the story we’re about to tell you today, did. And you know what? It worked!
More info: Reddit
Some people do prefer to emotionally manipulate others into doing what they want to do, instead of speaking frankly to them
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
This story happened two years ago, when the author of the post was a 20-year-old college student living with her mom and 5 siblings
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The author was very involved in various chores and other things around the family, but no one actually appreciated her contribution
Image credits: throwawaydusty6283
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
One day, the woman came home late after her study, and took heat from mom for not getting the dinner cooked and the younger siblings not being picked up from school
Image credits: vh-studio/ Freepik (not the actual photo)
In the heat of a quarrel, the mother dubbed the daughter “useless” – and the author decided to maliciously comply with her
Image credits: gpointstudio / Freepik (not the actual photo)
So the woman firmly decided not to get involved in anything around the house and family from that very moment
Image credits: throwawaydusty6283
The author later moved in with her auntie and then mended fences with all her siblings – but not with her mother
The Original poster (OP) first shared her story two years ago, when she was 20 years old, a college student living at home with her family: her mother and five other siblings, two of whom were older than the author. It so happened that, in addition to her academic responsibilities, our heroine was traditionally tasked with a variety of other things at home.
For example, she cleaned the house, drove her younger siblings to and from school, cooked lunch, and whatnot. Meanwhile, the OP’s elder brothers weren’t involved in any household chores at all. If you think the mother and other family members were really grateful to the author for everything she did, you’re definitely mistaken.
The final straw for the author came when she returned home late from college one day, and her mother yelled at her because the dinner wasn’t cooked, there were dirty dishes in the sink, and one of her elder brothers had to pick up the schoolers. The OP tried to explain that she was busy with college, but her mom dismissed it.
In the heat of the argument, the mother called her daughter “useless” – and this so shocked our heroine that she just decided not to argue. The OP apologized to her mother “for being useless” and went to her room, deciding never to help with anything around the house or family again. After all, if she’s considered useless, she has to live up to that definition, right?
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, in our society, guilt tripping has become quite a common factor in pressuring people. “If you’ve had a strict upbringing, as an adult, you may set your standards too high and judge yourself too harshly,” Head Space quotes Beverley Glazer, the professional life coach. In other words, the issue largely lies in family traditions and upbringing.
Among the signs of guilt tripping, this dedicated article at Business Insider lists sarcastic or passive-aggressive statements, implying that you owe something to others, playing the victim regularly, and, of course, refusing to tell you what you did wrong. Because any emotional manipulation appeals primarily to emotions, not logic.
However, like any form of manipulation, guilt tripping can be countered with various defenses as well. For example, first you need to recognize it, then understand its impact on you. After that, the experts suggest trying to engage the manipulator in a frank conversation, and if that doesn’t work, set your own personal boundaries.
Incidentally, in an update to the original post, written two years later, our heroine explained that everything ended quite well for her. She left home and moved in with her aunt, who turned out to be a decent person, and opened up about their difficult upbringing decades ago. Fortunately, the aunt was able to overcome these “family traditions” of manipulation, but her sister, alas, was not.
Well, now the author is completely happy with her life; she has made peace with her siblings, but has cut all ties with her mother, who still hasn’t come to terms with the fact that her daughter is no longer under her emotional influence. Well, separation from parents can sometimes be quite painful… So, by the way, what do you, our dear readers, think about this story?
Both the experts and commenters do believe that guilt tripping and other manipulations are intolerable, so the author clearly did the right thing for her emotional well-being
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