Harper’s Island 1.01 “Whap” Recap

We open with some aerial shots and helpful subtitles. Harper’s Island, 37 miles off the coast of Seattle. We have a lighthouse, some tribal statues overgrown with forest greenery, and a nice big house. 7 years ago, 6 people were murdered by John Wakefield. Bodies hanging a tree. They were the first murders in the history of the island…

…they will not be the last.

God, I hope not or these recaps will never end.

Welcome to a shot of Seattle, and what is obviously a ritzy yacht party in progress. The guests are fashionable, the champagne is plentiful, and there’s a little moppet dressed in dark colors showing a little box to everyone. Inside the box? What appears to be a severed finger, but is, in actuality her finger cleverly disguised. The moppet is Madison (The Flower Girl) Allen, and if you’ve seen any of the insane amounts of promos CBS has been shoving down the throats of its viewers, you know her as the ‘One by one’kid. At any rate, nearby her Aunt Trish (The Bride) Wellington and mother Shea (Matron of Honor) Allen look on exasperatingly, yet lovingly. One of the groomsmen, Malcom (The Hustler) Ross arrives with a cooler of beer for the ‘regular folks.’He’s greeted by fellow groomsmen Christopher ‘Sully'(The Best Man) Sullivan and Danny (The College Buddy) Brooks. They’re happy to see him…and the beer.

Literally from above, Trish informs us and her sister that she loves those lovable low-class guys because they love Henry (The Groom) Dunn as much as she does. And with the name spoken, the man appears in a suit and Henry joins his friends. They tease hime about the suit and on trying to impress the future father-in-law. The motley crew look up onto the lovely face of the bride as she mouths ‘I love you,’down to her groom. Of course all the groomsmen try to lay claim to the lovely words before ceding them to Henry.

A taxi pulls up and the window rolls down to reveal Abby (The Good Girl) Mills, our main character and beleaguered Heroine With A Past. The one-eye’d taxi driver, and I swear I’m not making that up, adjusts the rear-view to get a better look at his fare. Abby? Looks fairly miserable as she holds the wedding invitation. The driver asks who’s getting married and she replies, ‘My best friend from growing up.’To further the scene, the wise old taxi driver claims she looks familiar and Abby cops to having grown up on the island. Damn, that’s one sharp taxi driver to remember one kid from the island. Of course, her being the Sherriff’s daughter probably helps him to remember.

The evening’s foreshadowing begins with his assertion that it’s hard to believe something so awful could happen ‘around here.’Dude, you live in Seattle, not the island, and I’m pretty sure bad stuff happens there, too. Unless you are going to make an appearance on the island in which case — could you look any creepier with the gauze’d over eye? Even Abby looks worried, but then that’s her default expression what with her Past and her Daddy Issues.

Cut to the awesomeness that is Richard Burgi, playing none other than Thomas (Father of the Bride) Wellington, who is checking his watch. Apparently we’re just wrecking his schedule, but when Trish comes up to remind him that they’re missing people, he brushes it off, telling her not to worry her pretty little head – that it’s his job to make everything perfect. Riiiight. Trish does have a question before she leaves though, has he seen Cousin Ben? Seeing as how he’s not even given a “(The Something)” on the CBS site, I’m guessing we’re not going to see a lot of him.

We miss Wellington’s answer in the fanfare of a mariachi band playing from the pier and heralding the arrival of Uncle Marty (The Uncle), played by the equally awesome (in this role at least) Harry Hamlin. He’s greeted enthusiastically by nephew Henry and Trish, whom he insists call him ‘Uncle Marty’, in fact, everyone should call him Uncle Marty — he’s just that kind of guy. He’s also the kind of guy who catches the eye of the lovely Chloe (The Flirt) Carter before he’s guzzled his first glass of champagne. Cal (The Outsider) Vandeusen, aka, Chloe’s boyfriend, is not amused. Trish hustles him off to meet her father, Uncle Marty’s just sure that’s going to go well, and we finally see Abby, threading her way through the band.

Henry sees Abby, too and before his face breaks from the wide grin all plastered over it, he heads to the gangplank to give her a hug and tease her about wondering if she was ever going to get out of the cab. She claims to have needed a moment — obviously she’s not enthusiastic about this whole ordeal — and is possibly about to say more when Trish arrives with a warm greeting of her own. Abby moves onboard the ship to give Trish what for all appearances is a genuine hug. Trish starts to pull her further on the ship asking about the flight from LA and Abby notes that she’s still a little shaky. Sully proposes champagne to make her feel better. Instead, Abby snakes and chugs the remains of Malcom’s beer. ‘What do you know? I do feel better.’Sully approves and the gang laughs.