First of all – congrats! Felicitations on finally admitting that you are, in fact, an adult. And yes, funny text jokes for adults are your thing now. Sure, these text jokes might look familiar at first glance, but trust us – they’ve earned the “for adults” label for a reason.
Whether you’re a fan of dirty jokes, clever one-liners, or even longer storytelling in funny long jokes, this list offers bite-sized humor you can copy, paste, and fire off in your next message.
And why the emphasis on text jokes? Because you’re still part of the cool crowd who prefers typing out punchlines instead of sending voice notes. Voice memos are fine, but can they deliver a perfectly timed pun or a witty one-liner like a well-crafted text joke? We think not. So if you’re ready to upgrade your message game, you’re in the right place.
Below are some of the funniest short jokes for adults to text your friends. Scroll down, laugh out loud, and don’t forget to vote for your favorites. And if you’re into even more spicy humor, check out these flirty jokes or these ridiculous short people jokes while you’re at it.
#1 These Adult Jokes Are Just Textbook
A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
#2
I used to think I was indecisive.
But now I’m not so sure.
#3
Just got fired from my job as a set designer.
I left without making a scene.
#4
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
#5
Unemployment jokes don’t work.
#6
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge.
We’ll see about that.
#7
I’m a nobody. Nobody is perfect.
Therefore I’m perfect.
#8
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
#9
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
#10
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
#11
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
#12
I’m reading an antigravity book.
It’s impossible to put down!
#13
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
#14
Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte never said ‘thank you’ to anyone?
Yeah, it’s because he couldn’t speak English.
#15 Witty Words For Grown-Up Laughs
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
#16
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
#17
Light travels faster than sound.
That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
#18
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
#19
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
They’ll never expect it back.
#20
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
#21
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
#22
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
#23
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
#24
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
#25
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts.’
Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
#26
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
#27
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
#28
You’ll never guess who I bumped into on my way to the opticians.
Everyone.
#29
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
#30
Did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
#31
Aim for the stars.
But first, aim for their bodyguards.
#32
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
#33
It was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
#34
Four fonts walk into a bar.
The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
#35
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
#36
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
#37
How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste!
#38
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
#39
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
#40
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
#41
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
#42
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
#43
A book fell on my head the other day.
I only have my shelf to blame though.
#44
You can’t trust atoms.
They make up everything!
#45 Witty Words For Grown-Up Laughs
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
#46
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved!
#47
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense!
#48
There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count and those who can’t.
#49
Always remember – you’re unique.
Just like everyone else.
#50
I never make mistakes…
I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
#51
Did you know the Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners?
#52
Never argue with a fool.
They’ll lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
#53
Install mirrors?
Now that’s a job I can see myself doing!
#54
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
#55
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
#56
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
#57
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
#58
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family.
It’s that no one runs in your family.
#59
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
#60 Copy, Paste, Giggle
My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
#61
A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
#62
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the best parties?
Because they are such fungis!
#63
Can February March?
No, but April May!
#64
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on coffee?
Because he drank it before it was cool!
#65
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships!
#66
What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent and Nickleback.
#67
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.
#68
Why are pirates called pirates?
‘Cause they arrr!
#69
How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Able.
#70
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.
#71
Pretentious?
Moi?
#72
What do you call a magician without magic?
Ian.
#73
I always take life with a grain of salt.
And a slice of lemon.
And a shot of tequila.
#74
Blunt pencils are really pointless.
#75 Tap These Into Your Group Chat
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
#76
The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP.
#77
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
#78
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot!
#79
Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes?
They’d crack each other up!
#80
Who cleans the ocean?
Mer-maids!
#81
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!
#82
Why don’t people like Russian dolls?
Because they are full of themselves!
#83
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me!
#84
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
#85
What do you call an American bee?
A USB!
#86
I always say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
#87
If you jogged backwards would you gain weight?
#88
I went to a beekeeper to buy a dozen bees.
He counted out 13 and gave them to me.
So, being an honest person I told him, “Sir, you gave me one too many!”
He looked at me and said, “That one’s a freebie!”
#89
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
#90
A couple of cannibals are having lunch.
One says to the other, “Man, I hate your mother.”
The other says, “Try the potatoes, then.”
#91
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
#92
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
#93
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
#94
Two fish are in a tank.
One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
#95
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
#96
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
#97
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
#98
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
#99
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
#100
Two Wi-Fi engineers got married.
The reception was fantastic.
#101 Slightly Naughty, Hugely Funny
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
#102
What kind of cheese doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
#103
What do you call a cold dog?
A chili dog!
#104
Why did the farmer win an award?
He was out standing in his field!
#105
Why do birds fly south?
It’s easier than walking!
#106
Do you think..
Earth makes fun of other planets for having no life?!
#107
Velcro…
It’s such a rip-off!
#108
You know what they say about cliffhangers…
…
#109
Who shaves 10 times a day but still has a beard?
A barber!
#110
Why don’t lobsters like sharing?
Because they’re shellfish.
#111
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
#112
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.
#113
What did the digital clock say to it’s mom?
Look ma! No hands!
#114
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
#115
What do you call it when a chameleon can’t camouflage?
A reptile dysfunction.
#116
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A maybe.
#117
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
#118
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
#119
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
#120
The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
#121 These Text Jokes Hit Different
I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
#122
Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducks!
#123
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
#124
What’s the loneliest cheese?
ProvAlone!
#125
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
#126
What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
Ketchup!
#127
What kind of button doesn’t button or unbutton?
A belly button!
#128
Why can’t you trust a burrito?
Because they tend to spill the beans!
#129
Why is a carrot the best detective?
They get to the root of every case!
#130
Two blondes walk into a building…
You’d think one of them would have seen it.
#131
So a baby seal walks into a club…
#132
Crime doesn’t pay…
Does that mean my job is a crime?
#133
I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know.
#134
What’s the difference between a steak and a shooting star?
One’s meaty, the other is a little meteor.
#135
I would love to travel to Holland someday.
Wooden shoe?
#136
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park.
That is wrong on so many levels.
#137
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
#138
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the ceiling!
#139
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
#140
Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
#141 Short, Sweet, And Slightly Unhinged
Why do potatoes argue?
Because they can’t see eye to eye!
#142
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound!
#143
Why did the cat run away from the tree?
It was afraid of the bark!
#144
What’s a plant’s favorite drink?
Root beer!
#145
What kind of songs do tortillas write?
Wraps!
#146
What’s the best season for trampolines?
Spring time!
#147
Why did the gardener quit?
His celery wasn’t high enough!
#148
What do bees brush their hair with?
A honeycomb!
#149
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snowbanks!
#150
I had a ploughman’s lunch today.
He wasn’t very happy.
#151
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
#152
What do quantum whales eat? Planck-ton.
#153
Pavlov walks into a bar.
The phone rings, and he says, “I forgot to feed the dog.”
#154
Why don’t sharks eat drowning attorneys?
Professional courtesy.
#155
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
#156
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
#157 Funny Text Jokes For Adults
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
#158
What did the hungry clock do?
It went back 4 seconds!
#159
Why did the two 4s skip dinner?
They already 8!
#160 Puns, Punchlines, And Perfect Timing
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
#161
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are ears everywhere!
#162
What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf!
#163
Why did the walnut go out with a prune?
Because they couldn’t find a date!
#164
What are Mario’s overalls made of?
Denim-denim-denim!
#165
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
#166
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
#167
What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes?
Open toad sandals.
#168
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today.
It was an udder failure.
#169
What animal do you look like when you get in the bath?
A little bear.
#170
What do wooden whales eat? Plankton.
#171
God made man and then rested.
God made women and then no one rested.
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