Your best friend is supposed to stand by you through your toughest challenges and your wildest adventures. But even the closest friendships have their limits.
One young woman hit hers when she agreed to host a sleepover, only for her best friend to turn up six hours late, in the middle of the night, revving a motorcycle in the driveway and banging on the door, demanding to be let in. She refused.
That decision earned her the title of “worst friend ever,” at least according to her bestie. Now she’s turned to Reddit to find out: was she wrong, or just setting healthy boundaries?
The young woman was supposed to sleep over at her best friend’s house
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
But when she showed up at 4 AM, hours late and on a noisy motorcycle, she was shocked she wasn’t allowed in
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Image credits: A. C. (not the actual photo)
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad friend
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
We often judge our friends by their loyalty and their ability to show up when no one else will. That’s why saying “no” to them can feel uncomfortable, even a little disloyal.
But if a friend ignores your messages, then shows up at your doorstep in the middle of the night making a scene, it’s hard to imagine how anyone could think you’re wrong for setting a limit.
Boundaries are essential. They help both people understand what’s okay and what isn’t, and they keep communication healthy. Even in situations far less dramatic, boundaries show you care enough about the friendship to be honest and prevent resentment from building over time.
“Boundaries are really about staying in alignment and harmony with ourselves and what we want in our lives… so if you have boundaries, then, you can [choose] friends that are going to be congruent with who you are,” Jaynay Johnson, LMFT, told HelloGiggles.
Boundaries can be simple: letting a friend know you can’t talk while you’re working, or asking them to avoid a topic that’s triggering for you.
“I think it’s important for us to be able to stay in tune with ourselves and to be able to communicate that effectively and respectively to the people we care about,” Johnson added.
Of course, the hardest part about setting a boundary with a friend is bringing it up in the first place. It can feel daunting and come with guilt or anxiety, but don’t let that stop you. A good friend will want to work through it with you. In fact, research shows that friends who openly discuss challenges tend to have lower stress levels than those who don’t.
So, how should you approach it? Verywell Mind suggests starting by affirming how much you value the friendship. Then, state your boundaries clearly and simply—share your needs, wants, and limits without apologizing or making excuses. Be firm enough to be taken seriously, but also kind.
It can help to explain why the boundary matters or how the situation affects you. You might say, “That is hurtful to me, so I want it to stop,” or “This is what I need,” or “I understand you’re trying to help, but I want to make my own decision.”
If your friend pushes back, keep calmly reinforcing your boundaries. Verywell recommends gentle reminders at first, and more assertive communication if necessary. If they still refuse to respect your limits, it may be time to ask whether the friendship is worth continuing.
If you’re struggling, therapy can also be a helpful place to work through friendship challenges. “Everybody always talks about going to therapy for themselves and going to therapy for their romantic relationships but you can go to therapy for friendship relationships, too,” said Maighdlin Talo, LCSW.
While romantic relationships often take center stage, friendships are just as influential in shaping who we are.
“What most people don’t realize is that your friendships can really say a lot about the way you process information and how you manage relationships in general,” said Johnson. “Our friends are our longer-standing relationships… If we pick the right friends, they’re our life partners and I just think that requires a lot more investment as well.”
The author shared more details in the comments
The friend’s late-night stunt left many readers appalled, with many saying she should cut her off
Some commenters, however, felt she was being immature
The teen later posted a follow-up thanking everyone for their advice and said she’s considering ending the friendship
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