To make it clear right from the beginning, the football jokes in this list will talk about European football, also known as soccer, to those on the other side of the pond. The football where you kick the ball, rather than grapple for it, the football that most likely stems from 12th-century England, and the one that supplies some of the most famous athletes on our planet. Well, you get the gist – this is our article dedicated to football, a.k.a. soccer jokes, where we lovingly make fun of this ancient game, its fans, and the ball-kicking frenzy that comes with it.
Unlike any other sports jokes, these ones have a particular affinity for the fans. Seems like if it weren’t for them and their unabashed dedication to their teams, football would lose half of its charm. The rivalries between fans are as fierce as (if not fiercer than) those among the teams themselves, and that makes for a very fertile ground for undeniably hilarious jokes. In fact, any rivalry makes for amazing silly jokes, but when it comes to football, the feeling is just unmatched! Of course, these jokes about football will talk about the game itself, too, but you’ll see a definite pattern of devotees taking center stage.
So, get ready for some funny football jokes that wait for you just a smidgen further down. Once you are there, give the best jokes your vote, and be sure to share this article with your football-crazy friends!
#1
During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. “It was heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said João, age 6.
#2
England’s relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes. We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.
#3
What does a West Ham United fan do after winning the Premier League?
Turn off the Xbox.
#4
“I hate it when people compare Lionel Messi with Jesus. I mean he’s good and all, but he’s no Messi.”
#5
What is the best way to protect your house from terrible football?
A Guard-iola dog!
#6
Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match:
Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”
Grandson: “Czech and Slovakia.”
Grandpa: “Against who?”
#7
How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?
About a Brazilian…
#8
What do Lionel Messi and a magician have in common?
Both do hat-tricks!
#9
What is a ghost’s favorite football position?
Ghoulkeeper!
#10
Who scored the most goals in the Greek Mythology League?
The centaur forward!
#11
As the team’s struggles continued, a pound coin was thrown onto the pitch. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
#12
Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.
“My boy.”, an old man said behind him, “I saw you play. I think I can help you.”
“Are you a coach?”
“No, I’m an eye doctor.”
#13
What’s the difference between The Invisible Man and [insert team name]?
You’ve got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals!
#14
Three hours of football and the goalkeeper is still England’s top scorer…
#15
Why should you avoid playing football against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!
#16
How many Manchester City fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – they’re quite happy living in the shadows.
#17
What do you call a Frenchman playing on a Nintendo Console?
Thierry on Wii.
#18
Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
Because he was a boxer.
#19
Why are the Italians so good at football?
Because it involves changing sides halfway through.
#20
I left two [insert team] tickets on my dashboard yesterday. Someone smashed the window and left two more.
#21
Why was the footballer upset on their birthday?
They got a red card!
#22
Which football team loves ice cream?
Aston Vanilla!
#23
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running away from the ball!
#24
What did the manager do when the pitch became flooded?
He sent on his subs!
#25
Why do football players do well in school?
They know how to use their heads!
#26
What’s the difference between [insert team here] and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup!
#27
“I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the [insert team here] job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the telephone down and returned to Football Manager.”
#28
How do football players stay cool during a game?
They stand near the fans!
#29
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
#30
Who is the slipperiest footballer on the planet?
Antoine Grease-man.
#31
What’s the worst thing that can happen to a football player?
To have no goal in life.
#32
Did you know, that if you laid out all of your veins end to end across a football field… You would likely die.
#33
What do orphans and England’s football fans have in common?
Neither are going home.
#34
A football player goes to the doctor and says “It hurts when I touch my face, elbow, and knee.” The doctor says, “You’ve broken your finger”
#35
What’s the difference between Maddie McCann and the England football team?
Only one of them is coming home.
#36
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
#37
I was wondering why the football kept getting bigger and bigger… And then it hit me.
#38
What does a [insert team here] fan do after watching their team win the Premier League?
Turn off the PlayStation!
#39
What tea do footballers drink?
Penal-tea!
#40
Which team always start the match with a bang?
The Gunners!
#41
My computer’s got the ‘Bad-Goalie Virus’. It can’t save anything.
#42
What do you call a [insert team here] player in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A referee!
#43
Are lightning bolts good at football?
No, they’re shocking!
#44
What football club do sheep support?
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-rcelona.
#45
“My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers. They’ve started the season well with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4 all.”
#46
“My girlfriend is the star goalie of her local football team… she’s a keeper.”
#47
Why did the surfer go to the football game?
He wanted to practice the wave.
#48
I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America. Now I’m the worst on my soccer team.
#49
What’s the difference between my son and the England national football team?
My son stopped disappointing me after 52 years.
#50
England football manager Roy Hodgson has just announced that he’s won the competition for “Scotland’s favorite Englishman.”
#51
Why aren’t the England football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can’t hold on to a lead.
#52
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell.
God, always fair, told the devil, “The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one-sided, don’t you know all the ‘good’ players go to heaven?”
The devil, smiling, responded “Yeah, but we’ve got all the refs’…”
#53
A football hooligan appeared in court one day charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer stated that the accused had thrown something into the river.
Judge: “What exactly did the accused throw?”
Officer: “Stones, sir.”
Judge: “Well, that’s hardly an offense is it?”
Officer: It was in this case, sir. Stones was the referee.”
#54
At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
“There’s nothing to worry about, lad,” said the elderly chap standing next to him… “It’s like the bombs during the war. You won’t get hit unless the bottle’s got your name on it.”
“That’s just what I’m worried about…,” said the fan,”…my name’s Johnny Walker.”
#55
In the football stadium corridor, two fans were talking…
First fan: “I wish I’d brought the piano to the stadium.”
Second fan: “Why would you bring a piano to the football game?”
First fan: “Because I left the tickets on it.”
#56
Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?
He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.
#57
The reason women don’t play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
#58
How do you set fire to a football stadium?
With a match.
#59
I hate playing football with Satan – no matter what skills I use, he always has possession.
#60
Did you hear about the butcher’s assistant who ditched work to try out for the football team?
He didn’t make the cut.
#61
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
#62
England are playing Iceland tomorrow. If they win that game, they’ll play Tesco’s next Saturday and then Asda on Wednesday.
#63
Where’s the best place in America to shop for a football kit?
New Jersey!
#64
Why don’t grasshoppers watch football?
They prefer cricket!
#65
My partner just split up with me because they think I’m obsessed with football. I’m a bit gutted about it – we’d been going out for three seasons.
#66
What did the referee say to the South American footballer in the World Cup who lied about handling the ball?
I don’t Bolivia!
#67
Why was the best footballer in the world asked to tidy up their room?
Because they were Messi!
#68
What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!
#69
Why did the football quit team?
It was tired of being kicked around!
#70
Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
#71
Why are footballers like babies?
They both dribble!
#72
Why did the footballer hold their boot to their ear?
Because they liked sole music!
#73
What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves?
The sideline!
#74
Which team is the chewiest?
The Toffees!
#75
What’s the best position to play if you don’t like football? Right back – right back in the changing rooms…
#76
Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
They were the skipper!
#77
Which footballer makes the best coffee?
Diego Costa!
#78
Who was the horse’s favorite footballer?
NEIGH-mar!
#79
What blows at 100mph and always scores?
A Harrykane!
#80
Who’s the most dangerous footballer?
Eden Hazard!
#81
Why are Man City better than Everton?
They have twice as much Silva!
#82
What did the bumble bee say after he scored a goal?
Hive scored!
#83
What did NASA use when they built a football pitch on the moon?
AstroTurf!
#84
Why can’t Cinderella play football?
Her football coach is a pumpkin!
#85
Why don’t fish play football?
They’re scared of nets!
#86
Why couldn’t the car play football?
It only had one boot!
#87
How did the football pitch get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!
#88
I didn’t do very well in my football teamwork exam… I didn’t pass!
#89
Mauricio Pochettino must have hurt his leg whilst at Tottenham Hotspur. He was always relying on a Kane.
#90
My partner just ended our relationship because of my obsession with football. I’m quite sad about it – we’d been dating for three seasons.
#91
My laptop has the Kepa Arrizabalaga virus – it can’t save anything!
#92
Playing football is addictive and I want to stop but I just can’t seem to kick the habit.
#93
Why did Shakira marry a football player?
For his stamina mina, eh eh!
#94
What should you do if Liverpool’s midfield steals your car?
Call the Klopps.
#95
Have you heard about the new Everton bra?
It has a lot of support but no cups.
#96
Why can’t football players wear glasses?
It’s a contacts sport.
#97
My team had to play a football game on a pitch that was littered with loads of stones and gravel. Luckily we still won on aggregate.
#98
What’s it called when a group of drunk footballers in a pub start chanting ‘OY OY OY’?
An ***Oy-ing.***
#99
What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?
Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.
#100
My cousin is obsessed with football. So when I entered his room… When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself… That’s a Messi room.
#101
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
#102
What do democracy and football have in common?
Adding the word “American” completely changes the meaning…
#103
“In 26 years as Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson won 13 Premier League trophies, 10 community shields, 5 FA Cups, 4 League cups, 2 Champions Leagues and only used one piece of chewing gum.”
#104
England and Ethiopia recently played each other in a football match. After a tough match, with both opponents clashing, the scoreline ended in English 8 – Ethiopia didn’t.
#105
Why was Fabio Capello speeding?
To get three points.
#106
What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs, and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters?
The Italy national football team.
#107
Why doesn’t Pakistan have its national football team?
Whenever they get a corner, they will set up a shop.
#108
I was going to tell a football joke, but it had an offensive line.
#109
What did the ref say to the chicken who tripped a defender?
“Fowl!”
#110
What do you call someone who stands inside goalposts and stops the ball rolling away?
Annette!
#111
The new manager of our struggling football team is strict and won’t stand any nonsense. Last Saturday, he caught two fans climbing over the stadium wall and was angry with them. He grabbed them and said: “Get back in there and watch the game until it finishes!”
#112
Why is a football crowd learning to sing like a person opening a tin of sardines?
They both have trouble with the key!
#113
Why did the manager bring pencils and sketchbooks into the dressing room before the game?
He was hoping for a draw!
#114
Have you heard about the new Arsenal Bra?
It has a lot of support but no cups!
#115
What ship holds 20 football teams but only three leave it each season?
The Premier-ship!
#116
God and the devil were having an argument, and Satan proposed a football game between heaven and hell to resolve the dispute. God, in his eternal goodness, pointed out that it wouldn’t be a fair match because all the ‘good’ players go to heaven. The devil smiled, replying, “Yes, but we’ve got all the refs.”
#117
Which soccer team has nailed their formation?
The Hammers.
#118
What’s the chilliest ground in the Premiership?
Cold Trafford!
#119
How did the football pitch end up as a triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
#120
What’s really healthy and scores a lot of goals?
Fruit Salah!
#121
Who was the sheep’s favorite footballer?
Paul PogBAAA!
#122
Where do football players dance?
At a football!
#123
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
#124
Why did Ebenezer Scrooge end up with the football?
Because the ghost of Christmas passed!
#125
Why do footballers struggle to eat sandwiches?
They think they can’t use their hands!
#126
Which famous female footballer is also a hip-hop star?
Megan Rap-inoe.
#127
A wife says to her husband: “Choose, it’s either me or football.” The husband responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”
#128
Where do Jedi play football?
On the force field!
#129
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship!
#130
David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.
He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”
The coach said, “Wear four out there, Romeo.”
#131
My 8-year-old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he’d been beaten up. I’m so proud of him, he’s going to be in the Premier League one day.
#132
What made the football player bring string to the game?
So he could tie the score.
#133
“The missus accused me of caring more about my fantasy football team than my own kids. In my defense, I had Smalling, Kompany, Shaw, and Baines.”
#134
Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;
The first fan blamed…: “I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great club.”
The second fan blamed…: “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more goals.”
The third fan blamed…: “I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I’d be supporting a decent team.”
#135
A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, a friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”
#136
A week before the Champions League final a few years ago there was an ad in a local newspaper that said: “Local man offers marriage to any woman that has tickets to the Champions League final. Those interested must send in photos of the tickets.”
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