Until recently, pregnancy and childbirth had to a large extent been viewed as the domain of women while men remained at the periphery. Men were mainly responsible for covering the medical bills and other material needs as well as naming the newborn. But things have been changing. For example, in the United Kingdom, men have been actively included in maternal and child health programs since the 1970s, and in Sweden and Norway, men’s participation in maternal and child health has for a long time been emphasized in legislation.
However, being present and being involved are two different things.
“I have had multiple dads who literally will just game on their PS5 they brought with them when their wife [or] GF is crying in pain from labor,” Reddit user and labor and delivery nurse u/nursingboi wrote. “One guy was telling his wife to not get an epidural because ‘she doesn’t need one’, [and he] wasn’t even sitting by her or comforting her, he was literally on his phone across the room.”
“Also had a dad who just napped while his wife lost 2 liters of blood and had to be rushed to the OR for a potential D&C. And when we got back, his first question was, ‘Can I get another blanket?'”
After sharing these experiences, u/nursingboi invited other frustrated health professionals to do the same and sadly, as their discussion shows, there’s plenty of similar stories.
#1
I just get mad. Like, occasionally incandescent with anger. And it’s not just during delivery. Since COVID, the amount of male partners who whine and complain about having to wear a mask during the prenatal appointments and during delivery just makes my head want to explode. Their partner is growing their child in their body, their organs are slowly being compressed, THEY ARE RISKING THEIR LIVES TO PRODUCE YOUR SPAWN, AND YOU CAN’T EVEN WEAR A TINY SQUARE OF PAPER ON YOUR FACE FOR 15-30 MINUTES BECAUSE IT’S NOT COMFORTABLE?????????
It’s stuff like that and other things mentioned that makes me wish that the Huichol tradition of having the birthing person pull on a rope tied to their partner’s s*****m during birth was a contemporary and common practice. If nothing else it would at least make sure they were physically present for the birth.
Image source: ThornyRose456, Mika Baumeister
#2
I had a young dad, 14yo, who’d brought his gaming setup to the room and hooked into the tv. He came from a very upright black family and she was latina with a big loving family.
The dad sat in the recliner playing while I tried to do teaching. Finally, I’d had enough of the noise (and disrespect) so I kinda lost it. I unplugged his rig and told him his days of playing games all night and sleeping til noon were over. He was a father now and he needed to listen to what was going on. I’ll admit I was a little harsh but he’d been swinging his d**k all damn day.
Anyway, I look at the families and they look to the grandmas and they look at me and one says Praise Jesus! While the other one is too polite to laugh but her smile gives her away. It was a moment.
I made sure he sat in and reiterated teaching on birth control.
Image source: TailorVegetable4705, EVG Kowalievska
#3
I had a mom on mag and she was so weak and tired. She literally asked to keep her catheter so that she didn’t have to get up to use the bedside commode because she was so exhausted. I was trying to teach the dad how to make a bottle and change a diaper, but he looked at me and told me that was his wife’s job. Like excuse me? This baby is yours too and she’s obviously very sick.
Image source: icantplaytheviolin, Dasha Halepova
#4
I do postpartum. I just hand them crying babies and tell them what the baby needs. I have gotten a little attitude with many and they usually act a little better after being called out. But who knows what they’ll be like once they get home. You have to be direct and tell them exactly what they should be doing. Correct them if they have the wrong idea about something. Validate those moms.
And ladies- be careful who you let knock you up. There’s some real trash out there.
Image source: theoutrageousgiraffe, RDNE Stock project
#5
I got one that takes the cake recently. I work l&d. We had a PPROM at 20wand5d who was laboring. Pt was taking a nap and the FOB left for dinner or whatever. Pt woke up to use the bathroom and delivered her baby on the toilet. FOB nowhere in the hospital and wasn’t answering her calls. Placenta was still in situ and pt was hemorrhaging. We give cytotec rectally, and hemabate to help placenta deliver. Hemabate can cause crazy diarrhea. So pt is s******g her brains out, bleeding excessively and painful and also just delivered her dead baby. FOB comes back, she tears into him but then he just sits in the chair and then asks the nurses for a warm blanket and a popsicle. Do you know how hard it is to not want to hit a “support” person?
Noted to add: her premature rupture was most likely due to a gonorrhea infection that she caught from said partner.
Image source: islandsomething, Cedric Fauntleroy
#6
Yea… mother-baby nurse here. I fortunately meet more good than bad, I think. Plenty of bad ones, though. I recently met a dad giving everyone the silent treatment because his wife’s emergency c/s made him late for his haircut. I used to get a sense of pleasure waking the particularly useless dads in the middle of the night to do something 😏
Image source: preciselye, Wilker Lauriano
#7
One of my midwives once kicked my ex’s feet while he was having a nap during my labour and had a go at him for not supporting me.
I love that midwife 😂
Image source: struggle_to_function, Adi Goldstein
#8
I just took care of a 19 y/o postpartum c section mom for the last two nights. She has been up with the baby crying all night so tired and I have not seen her man awake ONCE in the two nights I took care of her. She even asked if one of the nurses could go to the lobby to pick up her door dash because she didn’t want to wake the dad. Absolute loser, made my f*****g blood boil.
Image source: AppointmentUsed118, Yan Krukau
#9
Oh I do enjoy judging the c**p out of these people. My favorites include:
1) the first time dad who when I put his daughter in his arms, asked why we didn’t have HBO because Game of Thrones was on
2) the dad who was generous enough to bring in his 55” TV so he could play video games on it all night
3) the dad who grumbled at me when I would go in to help his wife with breastfeeding and I had to turn on the light so I could see what the hell was going on
Image source: Kaclassen, Büşranur Aydın
#10
My brother in law slept through the birth of both of his children, would occasionally wake and complain about noise from the monitors/iv pump and smells. For several reasons he is one of the most despicable people I’ve ever met. Thank f**k his brother(my SO) is his absolute opposite.
His mother and I constantly tried to wake him, get him to hold his wife’s hand, or just leave. Nope, he wanted to snore in the corner. Useless prick.
Image source: mzladyperson, EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA
#11
I work labour and delivery. Sometimes we have dads who are wonderful and so helpful, and come watch while I’m doing baby’s first head to toe assessment because they just wanna be involved… other times… I’ve had a dad leave while the mother of his children was being c-sectioned to “pop out for a smoke.”
One dad in particular kept calling his partner names like “fat cow”… we were close to kicking him out. Don’t forget, the mother and baby are our number one priority. It’s one thing if the support person is scared or ignorant because it’s their first baby, but if they’re making everyone uncomfortable and being downright verbally abusive, you CAN ask the mom if she wants them there, and ask them to leave accordingly.
Image source: Cest-comme-ca, Letticia Massari
#12
I have had multiple dads who literally will just Game on their ps5 they brought with them when their wife/gf is crying in pain from labor. One guy was telling his wife to not get an epidural because “she doesn’t need one” , wasn’t even sitting by her or comforting her, he was literally on his phone across the room.
Also had a dad who just napped while his wife lost 2 liters of blood and had to be rushed to the OR for a potential D&C. And when we got back his first question was “can i get another blanket?”
It just is frustrating as f*ck lol, like why even show up if you are gonna do nothing? It like is INFURIATING To me.
Image source: nursingboi, Jonathan Borba
#13
During my OB clinicals a dad was on his phone as the baby was crowning. I kept looking back at him and trying to get him engaged. It was enraging and sad.
Image source: pensivemusicplaying, Porapak Apichodilok
#14
the WORST is when a call bell goes off so I go in the room and it’s a dad saying “baby pooped”. I go “oh, is this your first baby?” (if it’s their first baby and first diaper change I’ll ofc show them how to do it, or if it’s their first girl). the dads will be like “uhhhh no” and I’ll be like “ok! so do you need any more diapers and wipes?” and they’ll go “uhhhhh there’s some here” then I’ll go “ok great, you can go ahead and change baby then :)” and leave. I’ve also had babies cry when mom is eating, sleeping, or in the bathroom and the dad call bells like you said. I’ll go “well did you try holding him?” and they’re like “uh…no?” then I’ll bring baby to dad and it’s so clear they’ve never held a baby before, which is super sad when their babies are 12+ hours old
Image source: pinkpumpkinapple, aura Garcia
#15
Just last Friday I had a 17 year old girl need a crash C Section at 33 weeks, baby got transferred to a different hospital since we don’t have a NICU, mom had to stay back for medical clearance
The dad looked 20/21 and he brought in his own TV and Xbox to play while mom was day 2 of recovery.
Mom was shaking any time we touched her, I had to hold her hand during fundal assessments while dad slept or played with his friends on the Xbox.
Part of me is like, what can I expect from a young dad, after all it’s babies having babies, but at the same time…that’s the mother of your child who nearly died needing to have a crash C section, AND your kid is in the NICU at another hospital.
Image source: bubblestoil, Louis-Philippe Poitras
#16
I did birth doula work for a couple of years and definitely saw all that multiple times. Fathers literally playing video games on the recliner the. entire. time. In the moment it didn’t make me mad so much as it made me really f*****g sad for mom.
I’ve also heard tons gross comments, like “are they going to stitch it tighter?” while mom gets sewn up after a tear. Or there’s the dads that refuse to touch the baby before it’s been cleaned. It’s just… sad.
Image source: chgnty, MART PRODUCTION
#17
Work in NICU, had a dad stay overnight in the room with his baby per mom’s request, as to not leave the baby alone. He fell asleep on the couch, which whatever, it was like 0100. Baby randomly went completely apneic, bright lights went on, bagged baby, called for help, NP at bedside, prepped for intubation, portable CXR completed, RT set up the ventilator. There were like 6 staff members in the room at one point. Dad did not even stir, even though he was literally inches away from the chaos. Tried to wake him up, he answered me groggily and fell immediately back to sleep.
When he woke up 4 hours later he asked me what all the tubes, wires and machines were for.
When I sleep well, I don’t say I slept like a baby. I say I slept like a dad.
Image source: RNay312, Norma Mortenson
#18
I once had a 20 yo patient having her first baby, scared sh*tless, being induced at 37 weeks because her baby had a cardiac anomaly. FOB was in the room but was sitting in a recliner in the corner on his phone all night; I showed him how to do counter pressure for her and he did it a couple times but then complained that he was tired so sat back down. So I came in a did it for hours until she decided she wanted the epidural. At one point FOB stepped out of the room without a word to do god knows what, she’s sobbing through her contractions and saying “he should be doing what you’re doing.” Breaks my heart every time I see s**t like this. Some people just should not be parents.
Image source: wintersoljerk, Eddy Billard
#19
I witnessed 2 births during nursing school, the first one the dad was amazing. He held moms hand, coached and encouraged her the whole time. After baby was born he did everything and encouraged mom to rest and eat. The second birth, dad watched and then took some pictures and was immediately back on the couch on his phone playing a phone game. I went home that day and told my husband we would get divorced if he ever acted like the second dad. I wish I could get paid going around L&D/postpartum being mean to s****y dads and family members🙃
Image source: cactuscaser, Onur Binay
#20
When I was in clinical I had one dad who actually told mom that she was lucky he was there because with his first kid (not with her) he wasn’t even at the hospital. He just sat in the recliner watching some true crime show. MD did make small comment about the show choice but beyond that we all just side eyed him and just tried a few times to get him more involved.
Had a different dad who was young (not sure exactly age but id guess 18-20) who was somewhat more involved but as moms pain increased (had epidural but was getting close to crowning) he starting insisting that he was going to take her AMA because we were causing the pain. Luckily her mom showed up soon after and set him straight, told him he could shut up or get out.
On the other hand though, some of my sweetest moments were in L&D getting to watch the involved dads meet their baby. Of course sweet for anyone too but some of the best memories are a few dads who were enraptured immediately. One even was so worried to leave to grab something from the car (post-delivery mind you) that he asked if we were staying in there while he left so that mom/baby wouldn’t be alone.
Image source: future_nurse19, Tom Fisk
#21
House sup here. Code blue called in L&D- very unusual so I was expecting something truly awful. It was called for new dad who passed out after using heroin in the waiting area bathroom. What an awful f****r!
Image source: s1s2g3a4, Cedric Fauntleroy
#22
I don’t deal with this type of dad a lot – most are either of the “well-meaning guy who makes jokes to alleviate tension but can’t read the room” or “deer in the headlights but trying his best” variety. Both take direction well and usually want to be engaged. The “stares at the phone through each contraction” dad is my trigger. My oldest’s father was like this when I had his baby. Playing tetris on his phone until midnight and then telling me to just get the morphine so I would be quiet and he could sleep. And this was back in the days of flip phones – looking at your phone for hours was super weird then. That was over a decade ago and I can still remember that feeling of being abandoned by the person I loved.
When I have a dad now who does that and he’s the only support person with her, I give him a job. And then another one. Rub her back, get her ice, hell, arrange her toiletries in the bathroom! Anything to engage them in the present with the needs of their partner. I can’t stand watching them zone out into apathy land. It makes me so sad.
Image source: eatyurmakeup
#23
Get your bingo cards out:
Dad complains about how long it’s taking (Free space)
Dad expresses disgust with breastfeeding
Dad requests a DNA test on a NICU baby clinging to life.
Dad sleeps through a hemorrhage or other medical emergency
Dad bullies his wife out of pain meds/epidural
Dad watching p*rn on his phone.
Image source: Playcrackersthesky, Mati Mango
#24
I work postpartum and nothing drives me more mental than the men that constantly whine about how uncomfortable the dad bench is to sleep on and how they’re tired, as if their wife didn’t just push out an entire a*s baby and is up feeding their cluster feeding newborn throughout the night (and they complain so much about how they can’t sleep but they’ll be out cold snoring whenever I come in for assessments). Also had a baby go into respiratory distress and go to NICU, and the dad slept through the entire ordeal. Our visitor policy is only 2 allowed (dad counts as 1 visitor) and I once had a dad try to go behind his wife’s back and have his mother be their 2nd visitor rather than her own mother, who she wanted there. When he left the room she was begging me to not let her MIL come in, and I had to stop the MIL at the front desk and send her home, which the dad was verrryyyyyy mad about. And in L&D clinicals I’ve seen many dads just scroll on their phone while their wife is crying in pain from her contractions. And last but not least, many men refuse to change their baby’s diapers and expect the nurses or their wife who just gave birth to do it.
Image source: pinkpumpkinapple, Pixabay
#25
My favorite was the baby daddy (he was not in OR and she was failure to progress) asking after she had her c-section if we put in an extra stitch for him. Deadpan “Sir do you understand she had a c-section and the baby did not come out out of her vagina?” He just laughed it off and felt pretty dumb with the look I was giving him. Pretty sure I said now I hope you’re smarter than that. 🙄
Image source: beinfamous, Daan Stevens
#26
I had a dad ask his laboring partner if she was going to “be finished” before the puck dropped at a hockey game he wanted to watch.
Image source: HRH_Elizadeath, cottonbro studio
#27
It’s absolutely ridiculous how many fathers really think that baby is not their responsibility. So so sad. My job has made me kinda resent men. The good ones are sooooo few and far between.
Image source: sultrybird, Bayu Prakosa
#28
I had a patient who was hemorrhaging, and her husband kept gleefully saying, “Oh wow, this is just like Chicago Med.” Took everything I had to not tell him to shut up while his wife was actively dying. 🙄 I mean, I’m glad we were all so calm he didn’t realize it was truly an emergency, but she lost 2L of blood before we got it under control. Not sure what he thought was happening with five nurses, anesthesia, and multiple OBs in the room.
Image source: unsaltedzesta, Anna Shvets
#29
I work postpartum too and a lot of dads think their baby isn’t their responsibility. they won’t change diapers, they won’t hold baby, they won’t help with feeds, and they look at me with this shocked look in their eyes if I ask them to do anything.
Image source: pinkpumpkinapple, Vidal Balielo Jr.
#30
I haven’t done a *ton* of L+D shifts, but I’ve definitely seen the “brought my gaming console from home” thing a few times. One guy in particular was really bad, he was on there literally every time I came in the room (postpartum) and the L+D nurses said he was doing the same during the actual labor as well. I think he may have paused it during the actual final few pushes but that’s it.
With that patient I just made sure to spend some extra time with her when I went in to do my checks. Would chit chat for a while, get her extra snacks, and all that. Of course I still felt bad that her SO was an a*s and that she wasn’t getting *any* support from him, but I really wanted her to know that she could ask the staff anything and that she at least had us in her corner.
Image source: wineandpillowforts, Pavel Danilyuk
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