While there’s no arguing that every dad is different in their own very unique way, there’s also no debate that all fathers have common similarities, too. In fact, those are not even similarities – those are interchangeable attributes that make one a father. And no, we’re not talking about the unconditional love they have for their kids – that would be too obvious – we’re talking about other smaller yet very important details. Yup, it’s the New Balance sneaker and white tennis sock combination, the unexplainable love they have for various bolts and little metal thingies, the dad jokes, and the very, very specific dad phrases. Thankfully, there are Redditors who have documented all the dad quotes they’ve heard in this glorious Reddit thread – if anything, it’s a treasure trove of wooden jokes and that mythical father wisdom.
Now, once you dig deeper into these funny dad phrases, you might notice one thing that unifies them – lame puns. No one knows why, but it’s evident that once you become a father, you instantly unlock a hidden chest of stupid pun knowledge, and they just appear in your brain as if by a snap of your fingers. Gosh, we’d love to know that many silly puns, too! Another common denominator for these classic dad phrases is the deeply coded love that seeps through even the lamest joke or seemingly harsh remark. As much as we understand, dads aren’t ones to talk about their feelings loud and clear, so we’d also choose a silly joke to express our feelings if we were in their place. Humor is the glue of society, after all!
So, ready to check out some of the best dad phrases these brave people shared on this awesome AskReddit thread? If so, you know what to do here – scroll on down below, check out the submissions, and call to consult your dad on which of them truly captures the essence of being a father.
#1
“I don’t care. Ask your mother.”
Image source: JaredsFatPants
#2
“After obviously falling asleep on the couch:
‘I’m not sleeping, I’m just resting my eyes!'”
Image source: jimmityjam
#3
“My dad never says ‘k’. He just says ‘potassium'”
Image source: HelixHaze
#4
Mom said, “Did you know chicken noodle soup is scientifically proven to shorten the life of a cold?”
Dad responded, “Did you know chicken noodle soup is scientifically proven to shorten the life of chickens?”
Image source: weenies_world_666
#5
“If you say ‘Oh my god,’ he replies, ‘No need for formalities, you can call me Dad.'”
Image source: honeynut11
#6
“In response to anyone whining about something hurting. His response: ‘So chop it off.'”
Image source: ThisWormWillTurn
#7
“Be alert, the world needs more lerts.”
Image source: pl233
#8
“‘Come downstairs and die with the rest of the family.’
Bellowed during a tornado warning.”
Image source: Thewrongbakedpotato
#9
“Every time we see a horse, that man yells ‘Hey buddy, why the long face’ dammit dad…”
Image source: cookiemonster62
#10
“What’s up?”
“Up is a preposition, utilized to connote direction.”
Image source: doglinsonbrooks
#11
“‘He won’t sell many Ice creams going at that speed’ every time an ambulance drives by.”
Image source: Beansmcpies
#12
“Hi hungry, I’m Bob.”
Image source: reddit.com
#13
“Every single time I trip over something or stumble on a stone or something: ‘Watch out for that’.”
Image source: morgrath
#14
“Asking dad to do something, he always says ‘Ah I can’t! I have a bone in my leg!’
When I was younger, he would tell me the same thing so until I learned that you need bones to do things, I thought having a bone in your leg was just the worst thing that could happen to a person.”
Image source: Ashleylay
#15
“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.”
Image source: phome83
#16
“You can always make more money, there are more important things in life.”
Image source: flammablepenguins
#17
“My father is a silent mover. He often pops out of the shadows and scares the s**t out of people. Every time he does and I or someone else gets startled or says ‘You scared me!’ He always responds with a calm monotone… ‘I have that effect on people.'”
Image source: CaitlinGives
#18
“You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.”
Image source: bndiehl
#19
“I’m proud of you son.”
Image source: BlackCombos
#20
“What are you doing sitting there standing around?”
Image source: DangerBrian
#21
“When driving you can only control two things: speed and direction. And sometimes not even that”
“You don’t choose how you feel, but you choose your reaction. Choose it carefully”
Image source: reddit.com
#22
“On my brother’s 10th birthday.
‘Double digits is a big deal because most of us never make triple digits.'”
Image source: gurt13
#23
“People who don’t have time to do things right, have to make time to do things twice.”
Image source: Abenator
#24
“‘Stop complaining. Don’t find a problem, find a solution.’
He may not be a blast at parties, but those words have taken me far.”
Image source: DoubleDot7
#25
“‘I’ll have some of that.’ as he steals food from your plate. He does this any time someone eats near him. Never fails.”
Image source: DontHateMasticate
#26
“So… back when the earth was cooling… (insert awesome story here)”
Image source: d20homebrewer
#27
“I think I’m funny, and I think you secretly think I’m funny.”
Image source: CoolDShadows
#28
“Son if you get bullied you punch him first second third and fourth, then kick him while he’s down. They don’t learn otherwise.”
Image source: sherlawked
#29
“I don’t hate everyone in the world, just everyone I’ve come in contact with.”
Image source: shotgun64
#30
“There are no losers in strip poker.”
Image source: calicomonkey
#31
“I hear my brother tell his kids when they go out in public.
‘If you not back by (Whatever time he wants to leave) I’m leaving without you. Your mother and I only wanted one kid anyway.'”
Image source: reddit.com
#32
“Whenever I or one of my siblings would ask ‘Where’s mom?’ He would respond with ‘Things weren’t working out so I had to fire her.’
I use it too now because it’s so engrained into my brain.”
Image source: OurLordCheezus
#33
“Too bad, so sad. Go and tell your dad.”
Image source: madcat1090
#34
“He points to his eye and says ‘Listen to me!'”
Image source: Meditatortots
#35
“‘It’s not what you deserve, it’s what you negotiate.’ That has helped a lot in life.
Another favorite is ‘Never get yourself in a situation you can’t get out of.’ which is applicable to a lot of things.”
Image source: PM_ME_CARS
#36
“When I was a teenager and asked for $20:
‘Now, this is enough money to get into trouble, but it’s not enough to get out.'”
Image source: reddit.com
#37
“‘God Bless America!!’ instead of profanity when he was coaching my high school hockey team.”
Image source: that_wags
#38
Me: “This sucks”
Dad: “So it’s like a vacuum?”
Image source: Shaggy_did_it
#39
“Whenever it gets cloudy and even looks like it’s going to rain, my father will say ‘Looks like rain, dear.'”
Image source: CarefreeSwan
#40
“After I get out of the shower, no matter how long I was in there, he says ‘What took you so long? You know you can’t wash the ugly off right?'”
Image source: ButtersW
#41
“He gets drunk and does the ‘SSSSomebody stop me’ from the MASK.”
Image source: CyanideandMadness
#42
“‘Know what I mean, gelatinous bean?’
It meant jelly bean. This whole time. Why didn’t he just say jelly bean.”
Image source: Dmeyers204
#43
“Asking where something is:
‘If it was up your a**, you’d know.'”
Image source: TackleMeElmo
#44
“Whenever he finished a task of any sort, he’d say ‘Another job well done by me!'”
Image source: fyarl666
#45
“When asked how many of something, his answer is always ’72.'”
Image source: reddit.com
#46
“When asked ‘Is that hot?’ after dropping a pot lid back on a pot of boiling water and yanking his hand away, he calmly said:
‘No. It just doesn’t take me long to look at a pot lid.'”
Image source: CallMeCaptain
#47
“‘I wish I wasn’t so handsome, just richer.’ plus a cackle of a laugh afterward.”
Image source: peppersandcream
#48
“Storms never last.”
Image source: ruffian70
#49
“Must be jelly ’cause jam doesn’t shake like that.”
Image source: LagOfNations
#50
“If it (med school) doesn’t work out, don’t jump over a bridge, life is beautiful.”
Image source: docmollies
#51
“‘It sucks when someone likes your stuff better than you…’ Referring to when someone steals something you should have locked/put away.”
Image source: Viking_fairy
#52
“Always be more than you seem to be.”
Image source: Reindeer_from_Mexico
#53
“The only difference between men and boys is the size and price of their toys.”
Image source: centsoffreedom
#54
“You shouldn’t try to catch a falling knife”.
Image source: ShowStoppa718
#55
“My only fault is my modesty.”
Image source: itatton
#56
“Anything he joked about was in Daffy Duck’s voice, and it slayed me every time. Miss him.”
Image source: vagtastiq_voyage
#57
“Move with a sense of purpose.”
Image source: _Nevi_
#58
“When describing something without use or value he says ‘It’s not worth a rat’s ring-piece.'”
Image source: jimmyhoffa401
#59
“My sister said when we were watching football, ‘Imagine being married to a footballer, how cool.’ My dad after a short silence ‘Imagine if anyone would marry you, that would be cool.'”
Image source: Herlitzn
#60
“‘Life is hard… and if you’re stupid it’s a lot harder.’ I also like his particular Southern sayings stuff like, ‘When that cable gave it like to cut him half in two.’ yeah awesomeness.”
Image source: digitalCabbage
#61
“Anyone who thinks science and religion don’t get along clearly doesn’t understand either well enough.”
Image source: reddit.com
#62
“‘What’s the plan Stan?’
My name is Adam.”
Image source: emporerjoe
#63
“‘Are you dissin’ me?’ He’s a 60-year-old white hippy.”
Image source: ellensaurus
#64
“You are what I was, and I am what you will be.”
Image source: reddit.com
#65
“Let’s go see a man about a dog.”
Image source: shhhhhasecret
#66
“It’s my full-time job making sure you don’t do a half-a*s job.”
Image source: Hyder1988
#67
“Anything from Caddyshack that he could make relevant, mostly ‘Now I know why tigers eat their young.’ and ‘You’ll get nothing and like it.'”
Image source: SigKapEA752
#68
“Looks aren’t everything; but, you can’t ignore them.”
Image source: Bones_Jackson
#69
“I’m just saying.”
Image source: mbrallier
#70
“Liking what you have is not a good enough reason to not want something better.”
Image source: Beacone
#71
“I’m not drunk, do you want me to count the alphabet!?”
Image source: medicus_
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