America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars 17.10 “Exploring Greece” Review

So…we’re all in agreement that Angelea is winning this thing, right?

A pre-ordained win has to be the only explanation for the outcome of “Exploring Greece”, which saw 716 dispatch Dominique to move into the top 4, because if the judges genuinely think that Angelea is emotionally ready/talented enough to handle the rigors of winning Top Model: Rednecks, Party Girls, Chickenheads, and Allison, they are more out of touch than I realized. I don’t have anything against Angelea, per se, in that I understand that her big personality, emotional backstory, and passable portfolio make for good reality TV. I laugh at her one-liners and appreciate how uninhibited she seems to be, but there is no way in the world that she deserved to stay tonight. Dominique took better pictures, had a better runway walk, was more professional in her attitude/personal style, and comes from a pretty interesting background herself, but because she doesn’t have moments of being a hot mess, she’s “unmemorable” and should go home?

Am I on glue or does that not make a lick of sense?

But Top Model isn’t interested in churning out a girl that can work hard and bring a touch of respectability to the show’s spotty history; oh no, if “Exploring Greece” is to be believed, the ANTM: All-Star is in charge of getting in the tabloids and making sure people are talking about her, no matter what. We’ve already seen positive references to the career trajectories of Snooki and Rebecca Black, so it should come as no surprise to any of my fellow viewers that the show sent the girls off clubbing in Greece with “socialites”. The cast didn’t go out one night by themselves to blow off steam nor did the socialite impart wisdom on dealing with the increasingly voracious appetite of press/paparazzi, because those would, y’know, make sense and stuff. No, Tyra, in all her infinite wisdom, decided to send a former (?) alcoholic to a foreign club where leather-y celebutantes tried to pouring liquor down her throat.

Like…what?

Yes, Top Model: Stop Ruining My Ideal Vacay Spot, Tyra all but gave these girls a casual coke habit tonight and showed what they’re really looking for in a winner. While the show spouts buzzwords about branding and personality, what they really mean is they want someone making a fool of themselves on a regular basis in the name of “outrageousness”, so as to keep the show’s name in the pop culture consciousness. If you show up at the opening of an envelope or spend more time yelling about haters than working a runway, you will be getting online ink and when said ink is gotten, the show will always be mentioned. It’s not secret that ANTM has yet to produce a superstar in the world of modeling, so it seems like their next best bet is to create a reality TV “star” under the guise of something fashion legitimate.

I just wish the show would nut up and go the extra mile; like I’ve mentioned before, it makes no sense to me to constantly hem and haw about how valuable personality is and yet they barely do anything that shows off their personality. I would be fine with getting rid of a few awful photo shoots in favor of something that tests their interview skills or ability to think on their feet, especially since all the gorgeous photos in the world don’t seem to measure up to crazy.

I did like the photo shoot tonight in terms of concept and styling, though, as it actually made sense and had enough quirk to it that made it very Top Model (in a good way); the final products could have been better, as the black-and-white stills negated the flawless Grecian background, but in terms of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars, it’s one of the best things they’ve done. (Laura blew everybody else out of the water, though, with a breathtaking, shapely photo portraying archery.) If you’re a fan of the dramatics, of which this season hasn’t indulged in as much, the challenge was all for you, as the girls were forced to judge one another with Ms. J (!) and Ms. J’s hair in tow. It was in depth enough to not be a total waste (see: the runway walks and score pads at the end), but overall, it got derailed by 716’s tantrum and bickering between the girls. We didn’t learn anything new about their abilities nor did it have any weight at panel, but this is Top Model and nothing makes a difference anymore, so whatever.

Thoughts, Quotes, & Observations:

• “Whattup, Nige?”
• Favorite moment of the week: Lisa calling Nigel out on the whole using-your-worst-picture-at-panel thing. Say it twice, girl.
• However, I will bet money that if she gets eliminated, it’ll be for being one note and they’ll throw tonight’s photo up as evidence. I know how shady you are, Top Model.
• Was it just me or did all five cast members look cute at panel? Usually, there’s at least 25% busted-ness going on, but the ladies pulled it together.
• Next week: Highlights from the cycle are shown, for some reason or another. More importantly, I’ll tell you (yes, you!) who I think will win and who I think should win the $64 and basket of french fries this show is offering.