There’s only one day until Ryan “The Body” makes a decision about which school he’ll be signing to play football at. He has two options: Rutgers, with its close proximity and solid program, and Mid-Florida Tech, the place where he dreamed of going since he was a child. Ryan has always wanted to go there, buy an alligator, and teach it to speak so that it can go to games and cheer for him, but even with that (and three MFT cheerleaders making it rain in the hallway), he can’t make the decision on his own.
Therefore, he turns to Tessa, who he wants to decide for him. Only before she can begin looking at both schools, a third gets introduced by Lisa – the North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies. They’ve been coming after Ryan pretty hard, giving his sister a flat-screen television, snakeskin boots, and an Escalade in their efforts to get him to come to their program. Lisa has another surprise by inviting Ryan’s birth mother there to get him to sign with NLVICS – except that it turns out to be Carmen Electra rather than his actual birth mother. Despite seeing the beauty coming out of the closet with a tiara, gown, and sash extolling the virtues of North Las Vegas, Ryan doesn’t sign up there just yet.
Time has begun to run out on the decision and with the press conference looming the following day, Tessa makes a list of pros and cons for each school that Ryan was considering. However, he has another plan, since he doesn’t want to be blinded by Tessa’s science; he agrees to have all three schools be written down on slips of paper and put into a hat. The hat will then decide his fate. Knowing that his heart is at MFT, Tessa rigs the drawing to where he will for sure pick the school’s name out of the hat, even despite the distance it would put between them.
During the press conference, Ryan confirms that he’ll indeed be going to Mid-Florida Tech, even with his parents renouncing their religious beliefs following his fake out acceptance to Rutgers. The celebration ends soon, though, when Dalia reveals to Ryan that she heard Tessa confiding in Dallas about rigging the drawing. Ryan feels like it wasn’t Tessa’s choice to make and that she chose for him to leave, while Tessa argues that she did it for him because she knew how much he wanted to go to MFT. Ryan then breaks up with her, but Tessa’s not taking this lying down. Once Lisa suggests that it was Dalia who ruined things, she vows to make the blonde pay for what she did.
Movin’ On Out
George and Dallas are watching cable when he has an idea – why don’t they move in together? It’d help save them money on Netflix and they’re already getting closer anyway, but Dallas tells him that she’ll need some time to think about it. While he begins taking pictures of his home and thinking about putting it on the market, Sheila begins inquiring about the status of the house, as she just became a realtor. She tells him that there’s a couple eager to buy the house and that he wouldn’t even have to list it before selling it, though later that night, she runs into a woman named Leslie who she sees a lot of herself in. Leslie loves to craft, has a new baby, and admires the neighborhood that she always jogs by, so Sheila mentions that this house is for sale but not listed yet. And that Leslie could potentially get it before anyone gets a look.
The following day, Sheila and George begin looking for ways to improve his home before he lets anyone get a look at the place. Aside from a few minor cosmetic fixes (re-covering the couch, no family photos), the realtor thinks that turning the attic into a craft room could help appeal to Leslie’s interests and get an offer. Later, Noah and George go through the boxes in the attic looking for things to store, things to donate, and things to throw away where they find, among other things, a Gordon Gartrell shirt and Alex’s songwriting journals. George doesn’t want to keep them, as that’d be weird with a new girlfriend, nor does he want to throw them away, as that’d be mean, leaving him unsure of what to do.
He ultimately decides to box everything up and take it to Helen, who can pass it along to Alex the next time she’s in town. Helen tells him that she knows how hard it is to let go and that his new love must be something special, which he agrees with. But is Dallas even ready to move in? At a country club wine tasting, she expresses cold feet at the thought of consolidating her life with George’s, since the way he asked wasn’t exactly the way she had dreamed about.
Through setting up the craft room, even hiring a little girl that looks like Leslie to play a craft geek, Sheila sells the Altman home and Dallas gets her romantic moment with George that persuades her to accept his invitation to move in. Who’ll tell Tessa, though?
Additional thoughts and observations:
-“That came out sounding a little prostitute-y.”
-“How do you feel about California?” “You mean sexually?”
-“Tessa, you’re blinding me with science.”
-Fred’s nickname for Ryan? The Velveteen Colt.
-Since I have you all here, you should become obsessed with Carmen Electra’s recent single “I Like It Loud”. It’s awesomely silly/trashy and a lot of fun.
-I appreciated the inclusion of JJ Fad’s “Supersonic” and the random breakdancing before a commercial break.
-The term “vag ballad” is the best. As was the Gordon Gartrell Cosby Show reference.
-Favorite moment of the episode: Ryan “wrestling” with his stuffed alligator. Adorable and hilarious.
-Chatswin High’s last huge publicity? For its underage production of The Full Monty.
-Next week on Suburgatory: It’s the one-hour season finale, beginning at 8:00. While the rift between Dalia and Tessa widens during the first episode, at the same time that Dallas and George find that combining residences is a difficult task, Sheila launches a chastity campaign in Chatswin and convinces Mr. Wolfe to throw a Chastity Ball at the high school during the second episode.