All of us want to experience love in one way or another. But finding it and making it last can be tricky. It often takes plenty of trial and error before we stumble upon a great relationship and learn how to nurture it.
The good news is, we don’t always have to learn the hard way. Happily married men on Reddit shared their advice for other men on what it really takes to build a strong, healthy relationship. Scroll down to read their tips, you might just find something worth trying yourself.
#1
Your wife isn’t your property. She is a real flesh and blood human with her own needs, wants a fears. Don’t be possessive, be supportive.
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#2
It’s never you vs your wife. It’s you and your wife vs the problem. You’re always on the same team.
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#3
There is not “Women’s work” and “Men’s work” at home: there’s just stuff that needs to be done for a home to be a nice and comfortable place to live.
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#4
Patience and the ability to listen, not just hear.
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#5
Cut off outside negative influences. For example, a friend that doesn’t respect your relationship and keeps trying to get you to do things that dishonor your marriage, or a relative that tries to cause division between you.
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#6
My family never taught us conflict resolution so whenever my wife comes at me with an issue, I feel myself getting upset. It doesn’t matter how she approaches me; she could be singing it with a smile, but I will get defensive.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that *the issue she wants to discuss is the problem, not her for bringing it up*.
A lot of men react defensively because they *feel* they’re being criticized. Half the time she just wants to complain about something simply because it’s on her mind, not because I’m the cause of it. It’s how she would interact with a friend; women like to chat.
Do things before you’re asked. If the dishwasher is full, empty it. If the laundry needs to be moved to the dryer, just do it. We have three kids and we both work. No family to help, but we are very peaceful even though we come from completely different backgrounds, religions, and countries.
10yrs married, 14yrs together.
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#7
Posted a while back on a different sub, but fitting here:
1. Avoid keeping score (unless you’re playing Monopoly). – Don’t compare who did the most chores, who did the most romantic things, etc. You’re a team. The more you can view it that way together, the better.
2. Pull your weight. – Just because you’re not keeping score, doesn’t mean it’s a license to not do your part. Intentionally put in effort every day.
3. If you wouldn’t say it or do it with your spouse standing next to you, don’t do it. – This is more about how you talk about your relationship or spouse with other people. Respect isn’t just something when you’re physically together. Dismissive comments to the boys that you think are funny are disrespectful (not saying you do this, just saying in case).
4. Don’t stop dating. – It sounds cliche but the National Marriage Project says that couples who go on frequent date nights are 14% less likely to get divorced. Make it intentional, scheduled, and more than just binge watching Netflix while you scroll on your phones. If you need ideas, get the LoveTrack app (it’s free). It’s a date night planner that can help you keep things fresh and creative.
5. Be ready for seasons where each of you will have to step up more than the other. – This ties more into the keeping score thing, but understand that there will be seasons in your marriage where you need her more and seasons where she needs you to step up more. Expect this to happen, and be ready for it together.
6. Don’t do things begrudgingly (that was hard to spell). – ‘Doing the right thing’ and ‘doing the right thing with the right attitude’ are two totally different things in a marriage. If she asks you to do a chore you don’t want to do, do it and be pleasant about it. Scoffing around while you do it is just a one-way ticket to fightsville.
7. Have a plan for money. – Don’t fall into the trap of ‘we’ve always just been good with money so we don’t need a plan.’ Sit down and figure out what you’re going to do with money, in good situations and bad situations. I personally am a huge advocate for there only being ‘our money’ but some couples like split funds or somewhere in the middle. I think shared funds is more of the team mentality, but you have to have a plan in place to make this work.
8. Don’t get complacent. – There’s a phrase in the military that complacency kills. I think this is true for relationships as well that if you get complacent, your relationship will die. Be aware that relationships typically don’t end over one big thing; it’s small, gradual, and slowly happens over time where you wake up one day and ask what happened. Stay intentional
9. Have scheduled check ins/family meetings. – This may sound silly, but this has been great for my wife and I. We have monthly meetings (sometimes weekly) where we go over what’s going on and what’s coming up and voice any joys or concerns. Some people might say it’s too business-like, but it ensures we’re both heard and has been great for our communication.
Hope this helps. Make sure you’ve talked through big deal breakers as well (kids, how you’d raise kids, financials, long-term goals, etc.). Don’t marry someone you aren’t aligned with on these things.
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#8
Active nondefensive listening. Your primary responsibility is to protect your woman’s heart and to make her feel safe even in hard conversations. Dump any baggage that interferes with that.
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#9
Pick well who you marry in the first place and take your time for it.
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#10
Choose wisely! Which means doing “YOU” work before finding the right woman. So many men start out with, “I want a wife who…” Well, what are YOU bringing to the table? Focus on attracting and deserving the perfect wife. .
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#11
Acknowledge mistakes and apologize for them sincerely. It’s fine to be wrong, but you do have to own it and fix it.
If your pride makes you die on a hill, you’ll still be dead, just on a hill that no one else cares about anyway or you wouldn’t have had to die there. .
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#12
If it’s minor, let it go. Any time you’re upset with them, think back about that early honeymoon period and ask yourself if you would’ve let it go then. Chances are you would have, so let it go.
Do nice things because you love your wife/partner and not because you want something. In a similar note, do them without expecting anything back.
Marriage is a commitment, always remember that. .
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#13
Talk about issues as soon as they arise. Don’t allow for things to blow out of proportion when it could be an easy fix right away. The amount of conversations I’ve had in my life that end up with “I wish you’d told me sooner” is quite frankly staggering. This is good advice for life in general as well.
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#14
Is not 50%-50%. Is 100% – 100%. You got to go all the way in. The payout is worth it.
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#15
Talk less, listen more.
An oft-repeated trope is that women never tell you what they really think/want, which is bs. .
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#16
When finding a partner don’t settle. Eventually those little annoying quirks you choose to ignore will become a screaming monster.
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#17
Don’t talk about your partner on social media. Especially if it’s negative.
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#18
Ignore the “never go to bed angry”. You’ll just be sleep deprived and more angry. Everything looks better after a nap.
Also never buy a couch you can’t sleep on.
Keep your darn vows. Respect her, honor her, and recognize that you complete each other. Life changes you. You’ll grow together.
I’ve loved that girl for 45 years so far. She’s disabled now, and I will carry her around if I have to.
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#19
Gratitude. Be grateful to your wife. If she cooks for you, runs errands for the family, cares for your children. Express your gratitude and love for her. Its a privilege to have a wife care and love you. Some people feel because they are the provider that thats them pulling half the weight but the truth is, your partner will make it in this life just fine WITHOUT YOU! Remember that they chose to be here with you so always love them the same way you’d like to be loved. Oh and deep communication with your ego set aside and elaborate on your emotion.
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#20
Just because you’re right about something doesn’t mean it’s worth fighting over.
If you married a decent person they’ll eventually realize they were wrong and apologize. When that happens, don’t be a jerk about it.
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#21
Here’s my list after 10+ years of marriage….
1) make sure you really know the person you’re marrying, don’t get married just because you think you have to.
2) live together before marriage.. because things aren’t going to magically change after you get hitched.
3) Arguments and fights ARE NOT NORMAL.
4) If you have to monitor their phone, computer, etc to make sure they aren’t doing something behind your back… then you do not trust them… just break up, you don’t need to spend time trying to be a detective
5) That 3-way you want to try out is only going to end up ruining everything
6) keep separate spending accounts and one joint account for bills. Buy whatever you want as long as your part of the bills are paid for
7) your a team… do your part…
8) your spouse shouldn’t have to clean up your stuff…
9) LISTEN
10) All that stuff the two of you did in the past with others never has to be brought up. People have pasts.
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#22
Don’t keep score.
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#23
Learn how to communicate. Always communicate. Even if there’s an argument, it’s still communicating. Never stop “trying”. To make a relationship successful, both parties need to put forth effort. Realize your own troubles and work towards being a better man, husband and father.
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#24
Always choose your life partner based on your shared goals for the long term/future. Make sure your lifestyles match.
I have been married for 20+ years. My wife and I have had very few disagreements or lifestyle clashes.
For example, I knew I wanted to have kids. I was upfront in this desire when I was dating my wife. She confirmed she wanted kids as well.
After we got married and decided it was time to make a family, we both aligned ourselves to make that happen: financially, socially, physically, etc.
I made enough money so my wife didn’t have to work. And I told her I prefer if she didn’t work and was a full-time stay at home mom/wife. She agreed with that, too. When our kids were born, she took care of them. Things were gravy.
However, once our kids were old enough, my wife wanted to work again. She is a teacher by trade. So, I started working from home and taking care of the household chores. It’s been wonderful.
These were things we talked about, agreed to, and adjusted our lifestyle for in *partnership*.
Family is important to me; it gives me purpose and defines my happiness. My wife would say the same. Our goals/lifestyle aligned.
Every failed relationship I ever had was the result of my goals not matching those of the person I was dating at the time. Sometimes people want different things or aren’t at that stage of life. Try your best to recognize when that is the case. Even if you care about the person you are with- you only have so much time in life to find your partner.
Incompatible lifestyle and goals will always trump the contemporary feelings of attachment we have due to attractiveness, social status, familiarity, etc.
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#25
Learn to notice when your partner isn’t able to put energy into anything today and make sure you pick up her slack. Nothing in a marriage is 50-50 we do things we dont like for the ones we love.
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#26
Patience, calm, and pause. Pause being one of the keys to the 1st two skills.
Always pause before reacting. That can be for a few minutes, hours, or sometimes days…depending on what is going on, but pause and take the time to let the situation cool off before reacting.
That isn’t just for men…it’s an important skill for women as well.
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#27
Idk if you can teach this but i think a lot of people marry someone they shouldn’t.
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#28
Be a real partner, own your stuff, apologize when you are actually wrong, don’t criticize. It took me over 10 years to actually get decent at these things.
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#29
Learn how to really listen, not just hear. Women can feel when ur not present, and that’s when the distance starts.
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#30
Just be honest, do not lie.
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#31
Respect, trust, communication, compromise. 15 years in.
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#32
When you seem to disagree on something start a discussion instead of a debate.
In other words don’t try to win an argument, try to find the best solution.
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#33
Before you get married:
Your wife is going to be the first person you talk to when a parent dies, when you lose your job, when you get a medical scare. Pick somebody you can count on in all of those situations.
Also pick somebody with a compatible sense of humor! Non-negotiable, IMO.
After you get married:
Your vision for your marriage has to be bigger than just loving each other. Love is very important! But it won’t help if you’re struggling. Think of this as the shelter you both run to in a storm.
Spend the first couple years memorizing her favorite things and look for opportunities every so often to surprise her or give her a pick-me-up.
Affirm everything she does that makes you feel seen or valued. Everything. Let no act of kindness or thoughtfulness go unappreciated.
Protect her boundaries. Know the one or two things she’s most sensitive about and never, ever, *ever* go there. Never say anything she can’t unhear.
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#34
As a woman, I’d say it would be helpful if they found out if the other person was actually happy. I know several marriages, mine included, where no matter how many times we say we aren’t happy, they insist they are in happy marriages.
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#35
When dealing with the children, present a unified front. We always back each other even if we disagree. Disagreements can be discussed privately.
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#36
Being right has no bearing on the resolution of a disagreement. The only outcome to seek is that the person who feels wronged stops feeling that way.
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#37
FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST JUST TELL HER YOU APPRECIATE HER. VALIDATE HER FEELINGS AND DONT DISMISS HER. IT IS NOT HARD.
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#38
Your spouse should be your best friend, let them know that they are. Don’t fear vulnerability, value communication.
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#39
Be an active participant, not just a spectator. See laundry piling up? Do it. She cooks? You clean. Learn to cook, and not just one thing thats easy. Instead of asking what do you want for dinner, say “I was thinking about making XX, how does that sound?”.
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#40
I have a few:
1) Always put in effort with your partner. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing but even having regular five minute dates keeps you connected
2) Never compare effort. You need to trust that your partner is giving what they have to give. Sometimes it won’t be 50/50 sometimes it will be 75/25 but there needs to be trust that your partner is giving it all.
3) Get out of negative feedback loop. When your partner does something don’t just assume they did it to spite you. If you didn’t like it ask their intention.
4) It is you and your partner vs the problem. You need to work together to solve problems not against each other
5) If your partner says they were hurt by something you did that is valid and not up for discussion. Your intention might not have been to hurt your partner but they were and that isn’t up for negotiation.
6) Therapy for all. Marriage counselling has helped my wife improve how we communicate with each other. Our own therapy has helped us manage our own issues.
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#41
1. Communication. If something is bugging you, tell your partner, don’t let it fester, it’ll just turn into a big fight later. No matter what it is, or how awkward it feels to bring up. And that goes for both partners
2. Keep fights between the two of you (and possibly a therapist), do NOT tell your friends or family. You will forgive your partner, they will not, and your partner will resent you for telling other people. The exception being if you’re ready to leave and need help doing so.
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#42
Be patient, when choosing your partner. It’s ok to take your time. It’s ok to get married after 5 years instead of 2.
Also, practice emotional maturity. It doesn’t matter what is happening; listen first and speak second. Think about your words and actions.
Lastly, you have to be all-in. No, “I did this, so you do that…”. 100% effort, all the time. That being said, you deserve that in return and if your partner is taking advantage of that or is not willing to do the same, then they aren’t the one.
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#43
Praise publicly and disagree privately. We are each other’s biggest fans and advocates.
That doesn’t mean we’re under some illusion that the other is perfect and it’s not that we’re trying to curate some instagram relationship.
We, well I, find that this behavior has no downside. For one, it makes me feel good to spend my energy building her up. A nice side-effect is that it makes clear to any opportunists that there is no fracture to slip in through.
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#44
Both partners need to have the understanding that this is forever. Disagreements and arguments should be approached with the mindset of mutual agreement and resolution, talk TO each other. Not AT each other. In today’s “throw away” world make your relationship the thing that you constantly fix. Divorce simply isn’t an option. Period. Realize that you two are a team. Read that last sentence again. Hold on to each other just a little bit tighter during the hard times.
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#45
Do not compete with your spouse. You each have strengths and weaknesses. Acknowledge that.
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#46
Listen, and retain information.
Also, buy a plunger before you need one.
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#47
There is no gender specific work. Chores you both find annoying need to be alternated between you.
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#48
Finances should be split *proportionally.* If you bring in 80% of the income, you pay 80% of the bills. It makes it so you and your partner are both paying the same ‘share’ of your personal incomes, allowing the lower earner to still have financial agency.
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#49
The grass is greener where you water it.
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#50
I dunno if were always happy or have a good relationship, but I think were doing good. But we do have our spats and bad stretches so it feels arrogant to reply like we got it figured out. That being said…
I think what a lot of men struggle with is they want a friend and a romantic partner but they put too much on their wife’s plate to leave room. They let all this default stuff fall onto her. If you aren’t doing chores, if you aren’t handling the mental load of things, if she’s the default parent all the time for everything, then yeah you’re going to have 10x more energy to wanna go out partying with her or have fun bed time shenanigans, but she wont have that same energy or desire to do those things.
If you do your part, you’ll both be on the same wave length way more often. You’ll want that chill lay in bed early night after a long week as much as she does. And shell want that fun date night live like you’re 20 again when you do to
If you’re partners, you’ll be equals in both the hard stuff and the fun stuff.
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#51
Treat your wife as an equal human being.
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#52
Emotional intelligence. Listen to what she’s saying. Not just her words but her body language too, a lot of the time women say one thing but their body language tells another story.
Bonus: for the love of God give her emotional intimacy! That’s how you turn her into a perverted succubus intent of draining your balls so dry you wither away.
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#53
Keep your pp in your pants. Honestly, it’s not that difficult to do.
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#54
Every tasks and chore around the house is your job. You’re not “helping” clean, or “helping” with the kids, you are doing what you’re supposed to do. When your spouse does stuff, thank them for taking that off your plate. If you each think this way, there will be a lot less bickering. .
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#55
The secret to good marriage starts before marriage. Pick a really good partner, Love is important but its not the only thing that matters
If your partner made your relationship prior hard and full of extra drama that made the relationship feel like its on thin ice at times, then its going to be the same in marriage
A big myth is that Marriage fixes partners, it doesnt.
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#56
The mental load that women have to deal with is real.
If you think you’ve done enough, you gotta do twice that.
You might think it’s work, but that’s the price you gotta pay to see your partner happy.
I’m nowhere close to where my wife wants me to be, and it took me so d**n long to get to this point. I live in abject fear that one day she will just give up in exasperation and leave.
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#57
Nothing is worth arguing about loudly.
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#58
Learn to listen instead of immediately trying to solve problems.
I had to literally train myself to find a handful of different ways to say “that sucks” without then immediately offering potential solutions.
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#59
As the woman in a very happy marriage, one thing that I will always love my husband for is the little things. If my water bottle is ever empty, he refills it. If he’s in the bathroom and I finish my shower, he hands me my towel. He makes breakfast every morning even when I wake up him up too early (currently pregnant so it happens a lot). He hugs me every single morning. Always kisses me before leaving for work. Never lets me walk on the side of the sidewalk facing the street.
And so many more. (literally so many but doubt anyone wants to hear them all)
The big things are obviously spectacular and memorable, but every time I notice a small thing – and I notice them all, I just realize how much he truly loves me.
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#60
Communication and trying new things together keeps the marriage fresh.
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#61
Don’t be lazy.
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#62
Teaching all the men the power of love and hardwork for the betterment of the future.
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#63
Do the little things without complaining. Yes, she will ask you to grab something from the kitchen right after you just sat down. Yes, she will ask you to go all the way back downstairs to fill her water bottle up after you just locked up for the night. Yes, she will ask you to take out the trash when she’s perfectly capable of doing it herself. These little Marriage Memes don’t become trends for no reason. Acts of Service is considered one of the 5 love languages for a reason and any time you can make a tired full-time Mom’s life easier around the house, you should.
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#64
Know when to speak up and when to dummy up.
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#65
Marry based on compatibility not that bubbly feeling early in relationships. feelings of cloud 9 will 100% always fade. you need to look past the hormone feeling and use logic.
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