The internet has many purposes. Connecting people across continents. Sharing information at unprecedented speed. Democratizing access to knowledge. And roasting pets viciously without mercy, for the world to see. This is what we built the infrastructure for. This is the dream.
These comments are not mean-spirited attacks on innocent animals. These are love letters written in the language of chaos, delivered by strangers who took one look at someone’s beloved companion and saw, immediately, an asymmetrical weirdo who deserved to be called out publicly. The pets do not know, or care. The owners, however, are thriving.
More info: Facebook
#1
C&H: asymmetrical weirdo
Image source: Mihu Popa
#2
C&H: now the flowers stink
Image source: Michael Branch
#3
Capitaine Gaston (he only has 1 eye)
C&H: i did a reverse image search of your cat and it took me to this *raw chicken leg*
Image source: Jozie L-Hall
Cyanide & Happiness, the chaotic, creative minds behind one of the internet’s more gloriously niche comics, launched a pet roasting service that did exactly what it sounds like. You send them a photo of your animal. They send you back a personalized, lovingly savage written roast of that animal.
People love their pets so completely and find them so objectively hilarious that they are willing to hand over their pictures to see what creative insults people can come up with. It’s affection expressed as comedy. And if this thread teaches us anything, it is that the internet is brutal and none of us are safe.
#4
“Go ahead, roast her, I dare you.”
C&H: *holding cross*
Image source: Steven Rheault
#5
“Here is my void Hocus Pocus!”
C&H: ain’t nobody gonna stare into that void
Image source: Heather Sheridan
#6
“Give it your best”
C&H: seeing this is digital harassment
Image source: James Pellegrini
Roast comedy has a longer and more distinguished history than its current internet form might suggest. The tradition dates back to the Friar’s Club in New York, a private entertainment club that began hosting celebrity roasts in the 1950s. The format was simple: gather the target’s closest friends and colleagues, give them a mic, and let them say the things that would normally get you uninvited to Christmas.
It was mean, it was funny, and everyone understood that you only roast the people you love. Or, in the case of the internet, the pets you find inexplicably hilarious. The format went mainstream when the Friar’s Club roasts were adapted for television, eventually becoming the Comedy Central Roast series that turned brutal public mockery into primetime entertainment.
#7
“Elmo and his stomach”
C&H: it’s a dishonor to meet them
Image source: Emma Kinsella
#8
In this house we roast him ourselves thank you… and the vet did this 😆 after his surgery healed, his name was Orion but his new name is Oron because they took his I out
C&H: how can i possibly roast him in a way that God hasn’t already?
Image source: Dolly May Austin
#9
C&H: get your hands off me goblin
Image source: Patricia Galvan
One of the internet’s most roastable creatures at the moment is the infamous Lida Bida Bota But. She is approximately 42,957 years old and held together by prayers and witchcraft. The catarac-clad critter has taken TikTok by storm, along with her siblings Emerald Jade Greenball and Chippy Dippy Dopy Duck. And before you ask, none of this is made up.
Lida is apparently 19 years old, and as many commenters note, “at this point, every nap is a gamble.” She has also gathered some artistic fans who have placed her in renderings of the Titanic sinking, Jurassic scenes, and even as the Mona Lisa. And although we cannot confirm nor deny that she was present for any of these events, we know that her roasts are what get us through the day.
#10
“Margaret the dwarf polydactyl”
C&H: is she supposed to be that way??
Image source: Heather Ivanova
#11
“¡Oyé, cabrón! You don’t scare me!”
C&H: F**k your mother
Image source: Jason Yanna
#12
C&H: ew it did a mitosis
Image source: Kathleen Gayder
That people deeply love the roast format is not even up for debate. The “Stress Relief” episode of The Office is the highest-rated episode of the entire series, sitting at 9.7 on IMDb, which means that out of nine seasons of TV, the episode where a regional manager of a paper company forces his employees to publicly humiliate him and then immediately regrets it is what the audience voted the absolute peak.
The episode coined what became one of television’s most quoted catchphrases: “Boom. Roasted.” Three syllables. No further explanation. It is not sophisticated comedy. “Pam, you failed art school. Boom, roasted.” “Oscar, you are gay. Boom, roasted.” Somehow, Michael Scott’s misguided attempts at using facts as roasts just land, making us all find a little humor in the absolutely mundane.
#13
“Sage on the left, Aurora on the right. Some ugly dude in the middle lol”
C&H: can’t even think of a worse sandwich
Image source: Samuel Groves
#14
“Her name is Beaker, and she’s spoiled.”
C&H: i don’t blame australians for going to war with this
Image source: Traci M RoPe
#15
C&H: exhibit A in their crime trial
Image source: Dalton Burke
The only true winners here are the pets. Not one of them has read a single comment. Not one of them spent even a fraction of a second worrying about what strangers on the internet thought of their face. They were, in all likelihood, asleep on a couch that cost more than a decent office chair, dreaming about whatever pets dream about, completely unbothered by their viral moment.
These roasts land on everyone except the ones they were aimed at. The love underneath every brutal caption is so obvious it’s practically the caption itself. Nobody posts a photo of an animal they don’t find completely, irrationally, and embarrassingly wonderful. The roast is just the wrapping. Underneath it is an owner who adores their asymmetrical animals, warts and all. Boom. Roasted.
Do you have an ever scorchier roast to add to any of these pictures? Share them in the comments!
#16
C&H: everything beneath the frog is garbage
Image source: Darrel Townsend
#17
“My new scorpion”
C&H: not even worthy of a name
Image source: Mike Guy
#18
“Chief, my English Mastiff.
Gentlemen, I consider it an honor to be roasted by C&H.”
C&H: can you plz make the leash 5x shorter
Image source: Andrew Hanks
#19
“Sisters from the same litter 😭”
C&H: turds from the same litterbox
Image source: Samantha Thomas
#20
“My girl giving a dental inspection to her cousin 😆”
C&H: disgusting existence
Image source: Rebecca Zappe
#21
“Roast away 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
He was PISSED he got a bath”
C&H: GET WET, IDIOT
Image source: Sabel Maigen Marie
#22
“Dolly Purrton.”
C&H: Leave it for Jolene
Image source: Kody Nicholson
#23
“My senior- permanent blep from emergency tooth removal surgery.”
C&H: why is it cat calling me?
Image source: Unaya Darlynn
#24
“How can you roast this lil guy”
C&H: LIKE THIS 🖕
Image source: Mikey Mango
#25
“Her eye placement was a roast by nature 😝”
C&H: a living L
Image source: Graces Sketch
#26
“Tiger’s poop pose because he’s so old 😂”
C&H: *Reporting for reason: “I don’t want to see this”*
Image source: Hailie Moore
#27
“How you gonna roast the coolest kid on the block? 😎”
C&H: he looks like he’s gonna rant about politics
Image source: Cherry Fernandes
#28
“Don’t be too cruel 😩”
C&H: at first i thought this was patrick stuart
Image source: Alía Gonzalez
#29
“My baby just had babies”
C&H: right on the ouija board “NO”
Image source: Liz Guszregan
#30
“Angie!! Don’t get roasted!!!”
C&H: WHAT THE F**K IS THAT
Image source: Angelo Reyes
#31
Doodle as a kitten!
C&H: looks like it was drawn by a 3 year old
Image source: Chris Childress
#32
“trippy tripod one day old”
C&H: one day too many
Image source: Justin Bottorff
#33
“His name is Hasselhoss and he chills.”
C&H: ❌ not a hoss
❌ not hassling
Image source: Justin Fernal
#34
“A Boy Named Sioux, refusing to eat the trout I cooked.”
C&H: lose Sioux, keep the trout
Image source: Michael Atkinson
#35
“She tried so hard to be a good girl for this photo 😬”
C&H: SHE FAILED
Image source: BJ Jackson
#36
“”Not your average dogo 😊🕷️🕸️”
C&H: doesn’t know a single darn trick
Image source: Dusan Aliaron Corner
#37
“Didn’t do it last time, here’s attempt number 2”
C&H: he deserves chocolate
Image source: Chris Azrael
#38
C&H: push down a hill
Image source: Amber Phillips
#39
C&H: thank you for giving them a black eye
Image source: Renz Delster Antiquiera Galiguis
#40
C&H: this made me hate america
Image source: Annabelle Knisely
#41
C&H: cross the road plz
Image source: Ashley Nicole
#42
C&H: s**ttiest fit
Image source: Sam Lujan
#43
C&H: look at it hate life
Image source: Natalya Brettle
#44
C&H: “look at my pet infestation!”
Image source: Harrison Macalady
#45
C&H: in case of an accident, i’m glad the dog bed will be safe
Image source: Krysten Garduno
#46
C&H: i hope you’re going 80mph
Image source: Johanna Maas
#47
C&H: the Steve Buscemi of goats
Image source: Aman Yonzan Tamang
#48
“This is Copper, Copper has no thoughts after punching mom in the chin”
C&H: you can punch Copper back, I won’t tell
Image source: Hannah Emerson
Follow Us
