Christmas is more about the people and less about the presents. But when you’re spending it with those you don’t know very well, getting them something nice can be a good way to show you’re willing to make a connection.
Reddit user Crimsoncheez shared a story about spending the holidays with her boyfriend and his two daughters. The woman said she hoped a necklace might help bridge the gap with his older girl. However, the thirteen-year-old rejected it.
That may have been the end of it, but later, the teen asked for it back. The woman felt she was being ungrateful and decided to keep the gift for herself. The two of them got into an argument, and with her conviction shaken, the Redditor asked the internet for an outside opinion on whether she was right or not. Here’s what she wrote.
Dating someone with kids can be tricky
Image credits: irinapavlova1 / Envato (not the actual photo)
Especially around the holidays
Later, the woman updated her post and said she will try to make up with the teen
Image credits: Satura_ / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Crimsoncheez
Why teens in blended families often struggle with gifts and attention at Christmas
What makes this time of year so difficult is that members of a stepfamily often bring a lot of differences — from the “right” things to put on a Christmas tree to whether to have a tree at all.
Meanwhile, they are also working on new ways to celebrate together, and that’s not an easy task. While adults may be excited about this period, children may feel grief or even guilt as they handle the realities of their new families.
Psychologist Dr. Patricia Papernow has been working with blended families for roughly five decades.
“So often going into the holidays, the new couple in a stepfamily is looking for a first-time family-like holiday where ‘we’re all happy and we’re all together.’ But as I often explain, navigating a stepfamily with a map of a first-time family is a bit like driving on the LA Freeway with a map of Indianapolis. Stepfamilies and first-time families are very different,” she explains.
According to Papernow, the adults in the stepfamily are excited to have found each other and to be “making a new family.: But they are often quite unaware of the experience for kids.
For children, a new stepfamily often highlights the loss of their first-time family and enforces the distance from one side of their family. Because of this, the holidays can feel like a boatload of overwhelming change.
Image credits: Meg Aghamyan / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
“Close warm parent-child relationships are key for children’s well-being. But study after study tells us that when parents recouple, children lose parental time and attention. So, at the very moment that the adults are feeling the gift of a new relationship, kids are often feeling alone and lonely,” the psychologist says.
Instead of adding pressure, the adults should reduce it. And instead of running away from the past, it’s healthy to embrace it.
“The first step is to turn toward the loss. The most regulating thing for humans when we’re upset is another human who fully gets it,” Papernow says. “Often parents feel pulled to say, ‘But this is your home. Just join in!’ That’s not helpful. It leaves kids even more alone.”
“What children need is, ‘Wow. This sounds hard. Tell me more.’ And then full on, present listening. If you don’t know what to say, mirror back what you do understand,” she adds.
The fact that the Redditor didn’t hear much from the thirteen-year-old is also pretty standard. “Often, kids do not have language for this experience. Sometimes, … they don’t find that language to express how they are feeling until they are adults. So, very often, parents or stepparents need to start these conversations. If you’re a parent (or a stepparent) with a visiting child, turn toward this child in a moment when you’re alone and say, ‘I’m aware that, you have to come in as an outsider into this family. I’ll bet that’s tough sometimes. Help me understand what that’s like for you.'”
The woman provided a bit more information in the comments section
Some of the people who read the story said her reaction was completely justified
And some believe nobody did anything wrong — it’s just a tricky situation
Others, however, felt that everyone was overreacting
Or that it was the woman who mishandled things
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